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A First Attempt
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<blockquote data-quote="rebelson" data-source="post: 695970" data-attributes="member: 19966"><p>I am right there with you, guilty of the same disservice. Who knew? I'm realizing there are huge learning curves in this whole journey.</p><p></p><p>My son has treated me the same way for much of the past 8 years. Mean, disrespectful, calling me names, holding me to standards that he's never come near, hanging up the phone on me, loves to lay guilt on me, bringing up & dwelling on the wayyyy wayyyy past, I cld go on.</p><p></p><p>I was told that this verbal abuse from him, has been going on for so long because I have allowed it. I was also told that subconsciously he "wants" me to put a stop to it, meaning don't take it anymore from him. Supposedly, this is because he has difficulty doing this on his own. He is so immature and has a real lack of "mouth" self-control...it's like they are silently begging us to put our foot down, almost forcing them to stop, per se'. I hope that makes sense?</p><p></p><p>They also likely feel a lack of respect for us because we allow them to treat us so poorly. We need to be positive role model for them, as they lack these helpful life skills. By us letting them disrespect us, it teaches them a negative life message. Whether we realize it or not as mothers of these addicts, they do watch, & learn by our examples. We should not ask them to do something that we are not doing ourselves.</p><p></p><p>So, earlier this year, when he'd start getting mouthy, I'd calmly tell him "when you can speak to me without rudeness, I will talk to you. I am going to hang up now." And I'd hang up. I noticed a very rapid improvement.</p><p>But, on occasion, he still has his moments. No one is perfect.</p><p></p><p>I think it is lovely that you are writing him letters, emails. Tbh, my son would do the same thing. Not read it. I don't think that they can handle letters from us loving moms at this immature point in their "using" life. I don't think they want to feel the guilt or deal with the emotions they would have to feel when reading a letter or email from us.</p><p></p><p>Last evening I was exhausted. But I forced myself to go on a run - I love running. It was in the 90s outside, sun still above the horizon. Have you ever run 3.5 miles, up & down hills, in the heat of summer, all while crying, on the verge of sobbing? Try it sometime. Pretty soon I will master this complex feat! But seriously my running music playlist is full of songs that could send a hardened criminal into a cleansing crying episode. I then sat on my front porch swing and cried some more. Apparently, I needed it.</p><p></p><p>After, when I got back inside, I asked my husband to just hold me for a minute, which is what the Brother (monk) at the monastic retreat this past weekend told me to do. He said: "when you're sad about your son, or obsessing, ask your big Oak tree of a husband to just hold you.." So, I did.</p><p></p><p>In that moment, I sobbed some more & said to hub: "I miss (son's name)! I miss him during the holidays....he's missing out on (sibling's name) growing up...I don't know if he will ever live a normal life."</p><p></p><p>It's a sad season of life for us, K. This will be a long haul, I fear. With that said, we deserve our life. We SO so do. We are not getting younger, the opposite is happening. It might be forced for the longest time, but we HAVE to do SOMEthing. ONE thing per day that brings a smile, some peace, contentment, to our day. We have lost ourselves.</p><p></p><p>No more.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, if we can do this for ourselves, a huge side benefit is that it will, could, in someway be helping our sons slowly climb out of the pit that they are stuck in.</p><p></p><p>In Al-Anon and in literature on addicts, it is said that: "until the mother can completely, 100% detach from their addict he will not achieve sobriety."</p><p></p><p>This small phrase is a huge motivator for me to get better at detaching. Not saying it's easy. But I feel under pressure right now. I feel like time is passing and I need to get this detachment shtick down, and fast.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rebelson, post: 695970, member: 19966"] I am right there with you, guilty of the same disservice. Who knew? I'm realizing there are huge learning curves in this whole journey. My son has treated me the same way for much of the past 8 years. Mean, disrespectful, calling me names, holding me to standards that he's never come near, hanging up the phone on me, loves to lay guilt on me, bringing up & dwelling on the wayyyy wayyyy past, I cld go on. I was told that this verbal abuse from him, has been going on for so long because I have allowed it. I was also told that subconsciously he "wants" me to put a stop to it, meaning don't take it anymore from him. Supposedly, this is because he has difficulty doing this on his own. He is so immature and has a real lack of "mouth" self-control...it's like they are silently begging us to put our foot down, almost forcing them to stop, per se'. I hope that makes sense? They also likely feel a lack of respect for us because we allow them to treat us so poorly. We need to be positive role model for them, as they lack these helpful life skills. By us letting them disrespect us, it teaches them a negative life message. Whether we realize it or not as mothers of these addicts, they do watch, & learn by our examples. We should not ask them to do something that we are not doing ourselves. So, earlier this year, when he'd start getting mouthy, I'd calmly tell him "when you can speak to me without rudeness, I will talk to you. I am going to hang up now." And I'd hang up. I noticed a very rapid improvement. But, on occasion, he still has his moments. No one is perfect. I think it is lovely that you are writing him letters, emails. Tbh, my son would do the same thing. Not read it. I don't think that they can handle letters from us loving moms at this immature point in their "using" life. I don't think they want to feel the guilt or deal with the emotions they would have to feel when reading a letter or email from us. Last evening I was exhausted. But I forced myself to go on a run - I love running. It was in the 90s outside, sun still above the horizon. Have you ever run 3.5 miles, up & down hills, in the heat of summer, all while crying, on the verge of sobbing? Try it sometime. Pretty soon I will master this complex feat! But seriously my running music playlist is full of songs that could send a hardened criminal into a cleansing crying episode. I then sat on my front porch swing and cried some more. Apparently, I needed it. After, when I got back inside, I asked my husband to just hold me for a minute, which is what the Brother (monk) at the monastic retreat this past weekend told me to do. He said: "when you're sad about your son, or obsessing, ask your big Oak tree of a husband to just hold you.." So, I did. In that moment, I sobbed some more & said to hub: "I miss (son's name)! I miss him during the holidays....he's missing out on (sibling's name) growing up...I don't know if he will ever live a normal life." It's a sad season of life for us, K. This will be a long haul, I fear. With that said, we deserve our life. We SO so do. We are not getting younger, the opposite is happening. It might be forced for the longest time, but we HAVE to do SOMEthing. ONE thing per day that brings a smile, some peace, contentment, to our day. We have lost ourselves. No more. In the meantime, if we can do this for ourselves, a huge side benefit is that it will, could, in someway be helping our sons slowly climb out of the pit that they are stuck in. In Al-Anon and in literature on addicts, it is said that: "until the mother can completely, 100% detach from their addict he will not achieve sobriety." This small phrase is a huge motivator for me to get better at detaching. Not saying it's easy. But I feel under pressure right now. I feel like time is passing and I need to get this detachment shtick down, and fast. [/QUOTE]
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