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<blockquote data-quote="karisma" data-source="post: 696543" data-attributes="member: 20391"><p>Okay, I am back. I did manage to enjoy parts of the trip and I did not worry the whole time, which surprised me. I was extremely bored not being online. Luckily, I had a couple of articles downloaded to my phone that I had forgotten about. They were excellent and I will post links to them in a new thread tomorrow.</p><p></p><p>Difficult Child was okay. He was much better over the weekend with the screaming and crying thing, though he is still monopolizing the bathroom I hear.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>GoingNorth, No, there often isn't much I can do to help, in fact, being around me seems to actually make him worse half the time. Yes, he needs inpatient care. He needs high doses of anti-psychotic medication. He will not consent to either. He does not know he is mentally ill and he does not want help. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Savior, yes, me too. All I want is to control one teeny tiny little thing, Difficult Child finding a way to be okay. Is that so much to ask? </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Megrit, I read constantly too. I find great comfort here.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Not sure what loving myself would look like. Maybe I already do, or maybe not. I don't feel it the same way I feel love for others, and sometimes I am aware that I am hating on myself, which saddens me. I won't allow anyone (other than Difficult Child) to treat me badly though. Perhaps that is self love.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know it would. He really can't stand when I show him how I love and adore him. It drives him away. He likes it when I act indifferent, void of emotion, simply listening (definitely not responding).</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I suppose it seems to me that a mother my age really out to have her emotional eggs in several different baskets. It feels like I am alright as long as he is okay and still loves me. If either of those things is in jeopardy, his okayness or our relationship, I feel so depressed that I can barely function. I understand what you are saying about it being the very nature of the relationship and it does help to look at it from that perspective. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I really struggle here because I truly can not tell if this is the case with my son. His horror stories are not just to get money. Not at all. But he does employ this tactic once in a while with a "I was assaulted" or "I'm cleaning up blood" type of story that is for the purpose of obtaining money (that I would have given him anyhow).</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is the zenith of courage and conviction. I am not even in the same universe as that yet. I don't know where I am in all this right now. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar, I am so happy that you said this. I have noticed, much to my dismay, that I have an extremely difficult time forming sentences that even make sense on this topic as of late. Seriously, I have been wondering about some kind of early onset dementia or something that would explain the nearly total loss of my once stellar writing skills</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Copa, yes and no on this topic. It will be good only in that 1) Difficult Child will learn some consequences for using drugs and not showing up for court and 2) Difficult Child will get totally clean off the drugs he is on, probably every drug anyone can imagine except pcp. 3) When he gets out this time, he will probably finally consent to guardianship. </p><p></p><p>However, we live in Maricopa County, where Sheriff Joe Arpaio reigns. This is the most brutal jail in the U.S. He is going to suffer tremendously, and they only give you help with mental illness if you ask for it, which I doubt he will. Also, Difficult Child is in protective custody the whole time he is in there. He is afraid. The other men do not like him because he is slightly transgendered (this is a relatively recent thing with him in the past year. He insists on being called by the name I would have named him had he been a girl. He looks completely male but wears a sports bra under his shirt) and does not like to shower, also is crazy etc etc. So, he is in a cell by himself the whole time. I have a very hard time coping because I know how terrible it is. Firsthand.</p><p></p><p>But he is going to go and I do hope something good comes of it. It will only be the first of many times since he is getting put on some kind of probation, whether standard or mental health, that he will not comply with anyway.</p><p></p><p>I have written to his judge, lawyer, presentence investigator, and pretrial services officer. My letter was quite compelling and I told them that it is my greatest hope that he be court ordered on anti psychotic medication injections. I am not holding my breath.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I quite literally laughed my tail off at this. It just really struck my funny bone. Wonderful to laugh.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Quite true, unpleasant, but true. It actually helps me to think in these terms. I suppose my concern is not with him finding life everlasting, but more with the suffering he endures, which may or may not be to the extreme I believe it to be. It is possible that he is acclimated to and accepts his pain. I can't tell.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I truly dig this way of looking at things. Thank you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This conversation actually happened long before the psychosis set in. It is still relevant to a great degree and I would do well to recall this more often. He is still somewhat lucid, unlike someone with schizophrenia, and does not want "mothering".</p><p></p><p>I loved "An Unquiet Mind". I read it when he was about 9 at the recommendation of his psychiatrist. Wonderful book.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>SWOT, incredible isn't it? I have heard it compared to Alzheimer's in the sense that both groups of people, psychotics and dementia patients, do. not. know. what. is. real. and are therefore, always in grave danger. We certainly do not ask Alzheimer's patients if they are in the mood for help do we?</p><p></p><p>My son's diagnosis is Bipolar. However, he has not had a psychiatric evaluation since he became seriously psychotic at age 24, and he would not be honest about his symptoms even if he did have one. So I am not sure if he is schizoaffective or not. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Albatross, and that would be a resounding nope. She is just like him, except not as bad. She loves him very much and considers him her brother. I have to say that very likely he loves her more than anyone in the world. I am happy that he has this with her. She has a heart of gold, but is the absolute worst addict I have ever met. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Mof, she sure won't. She truly believes she knows what is best for him. </p><p></p><p>She is currently trying to slip anti psychotic medication (that she needs but doesn't take) into my son's food and drinks.(!) I stay out of it. I have learned that I can not interfere in what goes on between them. If I admonish her for anything, then I stop getting the truth about what is up.</p><p></p><p>On a side note, I petitioned her about a six weeks ago and called the police on her. She was completely psychotic on meth and I feared for her life. For this reason, she was not speaking to me until the crying phone call. This is why I took it so seriously. First, because she was so angry with me that the situation would have to be beyond extreme for her to call me. Second, her threshold for psychotic behavior is incredibly high. She sees this stuff as normal because she is like this as well.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And at the same time---</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Paradoxically, meth both treats and causes depression. Sad.</p><p></p><p>Hey, thank all of you so very much for all your kind and wise words. This site is truly saving my sanity. </p><p></p><p>Sorry my post turned into a novel</p><p></p><p>Peace and be well</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="karisma, post: 696543, member: 20391"] Okay, I am back. I did manage to enjoy parts of the trip and I did not worry the whole time, which surprised me. I was extremely bored not being online. Luckily, I had a couple of articles downloaded to my phone that I had forgotten about. They were excellent and I will post links to them in a new thread tomorrow. Difficult Child was okay. He was much better over the weekend with the screaming and crying thing, though he is still monopolizing the bathroom I hear. GoingNorth, No, there often isn't much I can do to help, in fact, being around me seems to actually make him worse half the time. Yes, he needs inpatient care. He needs high doses of anti-psychotic medication. He will not consent to either. He does not know he is mentally ill and he does not want help. Savior, yes, me too. All I want is to control one teeny tiny little thing, Difficult Child finding a way to be okay. Is that so much to ask? Megrit, I read constantly too. I find great comfort here. Not sure what loving myself would look like. Maybe I already do, or maybe not. I don't feel it the same way I feel love for others, and sometimes I am aware that I am hating on myself, which saddens me. I won't allow anyone (other than Difficult Child) to treat me badly though. Perhaps that is self love. I know it would. He really can't stand when I show him how I love and adore him. It drives him away. He likes it when I act indifferent, void of emotion, simply listening (definitely not responding). I suppose it seems to me that a mother my age really out to have her emotional eggs in several different baskets. It feels like I am alright as long as he is okay and still loves me. If either of those things is in jeopardy, his okayness or our relationship, I feel so depressed that I can barely function. I understand what you are saying about it being the very nature of the relationship and it does help to look at it from that perspective. I really struggle here because I truly can not tell if this is the case with my son. His horror stories are not just to get money. Not at all. But he does employ this tactic once in a while with a "I was assaulted" or "I'm cleaning up blood" type of story that is for the purpose of obtaining money (that I would have given him anyhow). That is the zenith of courage and conviction. I am not even in the same universe as that yet. I don't know where I am in all this right now. Cedar, I am so happy that you said this. I have noticed, much to my dismay, that I have an extremely difficult time forming sentences that even make sense on this topic as of late. Seriously, I have been wondering about some kind of early onset dementia or something that would explain the nearly total loss of my once stellar writing skills Copa, yes and no on this topic. It will be good only in that 1) Difficult Child will learn some consequences for using drugs and not showing up for court and 2) Difficult Child will get totally clean off the drugs he is on, probably every drug anyone can imagine except pcp. 3) When he gets out this time, he will probably finally consent to guardianship. However, we live in Maricopa County, where Sheriff Joe Arpaio reigns. This is the most brutal jail in the U.S. He is going to suffer tremendously, and they only give you help with mental illness if you ask for it, which I doubt he will. Also, Difficult Child is in protective custody the whole time he is in there. He is afraid. The other men do not like him because he is slightly transgendered (this is a relatively recent thing with him in the past year. He insists on being called by the name I would have named him had he been a girl. He looks completely male but wears a sports bra under his shirt) and does not like to shower, also is crazy etc etc. So, he is in a cell by himself the whole time. I have a very hard time coping because I know how terrible it is. Firsthand. But he is going to go and I do hope something good comes of it. It will only be the first of many times since he is getting put on some kind of probation, whether standard or mental health, that he will not comply with anyway. I have written to his judge, lawyer, presentence investigator, and pretrial services officer. My letter was quite compelling and I told them that it is my greatest hope that he be court ordered on anti psychotic medication injections. I am not holding my breath. I quite literally laughed my tail off at this. It just really struck my funny bone. Wonderful to laugh. Quite true, unpleasant, but true. It actually helps me to think in these terms. I suppose my concern is not with him finding life everlasting, but more with the suffering he endures, which may or may not be to the extreme I believe it to be. It is possible that he is acclimated to and accepts his pain. I can't tell. I truly dig this way of looking at things. Thank you. This conversation actually happened long before the psychosis set in. It is still relevant to a great degree and I would do well to recall this more often. He is still somewhat lucid, unlike someone with schizophrenia, and does not want "mothering". I loved "An Unquiet Mind". I read it when he was about 9 at the recommendation of his psychiatrist. Wonderful book. SWOT, incredible isn't it? I have heard it compared to Alzheimer's in the sense that both groups of people, psychotics and dementia patients, do. not. know. what. is. real. and are therefore, always in grave danger. We certainly do not ask Alzheimer's patients if they are in the mood for help do we? My son's diagnosis is Bipolar. However, he has not had a psychiatric evaluation since he became seriously psychotic at age 24, and he would not be honest about his symptoms even if he did have one. So I am not sure if he is schizoaffective or not. Albatross, and that would be a resounding nope. She is just like him, except not as bad. She loves him very much and considers him her brother. I have to say that very likely he loves her more than anyone in the world. I am happy that he has this with her. She has a heart of gold, but is the absolute worst addict I have ever met. Mof, she sure won't. She truly believes she knows what is best for him. She is currently trying to slip anti psychotic medication (that she needs but doesn't take) into my son's food and drinks.(!) I stay out of it. I have learned that I can not interfere in what goes on between them. If I admonish her for anything, then I stop getting the truth about what is up. On a side note, I petitioned her about a six weeks ago and called the police on her. She was completely psychotic on meth and I feared for her life. For this reason, she was not speaking to me until the crying phone call. This is why I took it so seriously. First, because she was so angry with me that the situation would have to be beyond extreme for her to call me. Second, her threshold for psychotic behavior is incredibly high. She sees this stuff as normal because she is like this as well. And at the same time--- Paradoxically, meth both treats and causes depression. Sad. Hey, thank all of you so very much for all your kind and wise words. This site is truly saving my sanity. Sorry my post turned into a novel Peace and be well [/QUOTE]
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