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The Watercooler
a grudge, of sorts. can you help? sorry so long.
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 50300" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p>{{{Shari}}} I feel for you. My mother in law has never liked me or my daughter's. I think in the early years she tried to be accepting for her son's sake, but really, after a short time it became apparent that she thinks we are "less than", undeserving of being with her son, less smart or important than her own children and grandchildren. She speaks down to us, she speaks disparagingly of difficult child and even of easy child, who she has worked hard to get where she is! </p><p></p><p>During our wedding, she stood with her eyes closed the ENTIRE time. Afterward, she found a small table away from everyone and sat in stony silence. In every picture she looks like she is frowning. My mother commented to me that she seems like a very unhappy person. Haha - that's the nice way of putting it!</p><p></p><p>About a week after our wedding, after H and I returned from our short honeymoon, H received a packet in the mail from his mother. Apparently, she was removing him as beneficiary of some bonds she had. H had been the beneficiary for 10 years on most of those bonds, but after he married me, she changed them all to his brother and sister. When I pressed H to explain, he was tongue tied - I think even he was stunned.</p><p></p><p>Our birthdays are never ever acknowledged, she and father in law never attend any events planned for us, and my kids only receive the smallest of gifts at Christmas. One year they spent Christmas with us and she gave each girl a $5 holiday pin from Walmart and a small beaded bag. When we carried the luggage to their car so they could go see thier daughter's kids (thier REAL grandkids) they wouldn't open the trunk until my dds and I had gone inside. I imagine it was filled with many gifts for her REAL grandkids and I'm almost thankful that she waited until we left before allowing my dds to see that!</p><p></p><p>Following a really traumatic incident with her during one of our vacations I demanded that H speak with her. He said he would, but he never did. He kept saying he would speak with her, but he wouldn't. He just didn't have the balls I guess to tell his mother she was rude and mean. I was going to say something but instead I meditated about it. My solution was simple: keep my distance. Be cordial and pleasant when they were around, but no longer would I take days off of work to entertain them when they were in town. No longer would I speak niceties on the phone with her (it was all BS anyway) and no longer would I allow my kids to be present when they were around. I deliberately sent my dds to their father's house when IL's were visiting. I created a menu the week before their arrival, made all the food and froze it so H could prepare it when HE got dinner ready before I got home from work. I didn't turn to stone or become cold - I just stopped going out of my way to make them feel welcome or overflow with affection for them. </p><p></p><p>I realized that each time I complained to H about his mother, it hurt him. He KNEW what she was doing and how it affected me but I realized that he wasn't in the frame of mind to do anything until it affected HIM. So I stopped talking about it and carried on with my own plan. Eventually, H saw things for himself and he too made changes in his reaction to them and he backed me up when I objected to a visit or two with them. IOW, he came around and now things are better. It was hard to explain to my kids why they were that way up until the incident that changed it all for me - at that point I directed my kids to call them by their names instead of grandma and grandpa. I figured they weren't acting like grandparents, why give them that honor? We definitely shook things up. This past November, my mother in law once again did something monumentally stupid and rotten to my difficult child and H had finally grown the you-know-whats to say something and say something he did! Wow - I was sooo proud of him at that moment. It didn't change anything for anyone but US. WE both benefitted. I think it meant more coming from him than me anyway. His mother feigned ignorance, but she knows. And his father is tripping over himself to be nice to us.</p><p></p><p>Shari, I'm sorry to go on...Only YOU know what feels right in your heart and how to handle this. If going into it you know that nothing will change on HER end, then you're two steps ahead of the game, in my opinion. Many hugs to you. Stay strong and do what's right for YOU and your kiddos. YOUR family is most important, not the IL's. And as long as you have H backing you, you're golden.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 50300, member: 2211"] {{{Shari}}} I feel for you. My mother in law has never liked me or my daughter's. I think in the early years she tried to be accepting for her son's sake, but really, after a short time it became apparent that she thinks we are "less than", undeserving of being with her son, less smart or important than her own children and grandchildren. She speaks down to us, she speaks disparagingly of difficult child and even of easy child, who she has worked hard to get where she is! During our wedding, she stood with her eyes closed the ENTIRE time. Afterward, she found a small table away from everyone and sat in stony silence. In every picture she looks like she is frowning. My mother commented to me that she seems like a very unhappy person. Haha - that's the nice way of putting it! About a week after our wedding, after H and I returned from our short honeymoon, H received a packet in the mail from his mother. Apparently, she was removing him as beneficiary of some bonds she had. H had been the beneficiary for 10 years on most of those bonds, but after he married me, she changed them all to his brother and sister. When I pressed H to explain, he was tongue tied - I think even he was stunned. Our birthdays are never ever acknowledged, she and father in law never attend any events planned for us, and my kids only receive the smallest of gifts at Christmas. One year they spent Christmas with us and she gave each girl a $5 holiday pin from Walmart and a small beaded bag. When we carried the luggage to their car so they could go see thier daughter's kids (thier REAL grandkids) they wouldn't open the trunk until my dds and I had gone inside. I imagine it was filled with many gifts for her REAL grandkids and I'm almost thankful that she waited until we left before allowing my dds to see that! Following a really traumatic incident with her during one of our vacations I demanded that H speak with her. He said he would, but he never did. He kept saying he would speak with her, but he wouldn't. He just didn't have the balls I guess to tell his mother she was rude and mean. I was going to say something but instead I meditated about it. My solution was simple: keep my distance. Be cordial and pleasant when they were around, but no longer would I take days off of work to entertain them when they were in town. No longer would I speak niceties on the phone with her (it was all BS anyway) and no longer would I allow my kids to be present when they were around. I deliberately sent my dds to their father's house when IL's were visiting. I created a menu the week before their arrival, made all the food and froze it so H could prepare it when HE got dinner ready before I got home from work. I didn't turn to stone or become cold - I just stopped going out of my way to make them feel welcome or overflow with affection for them. I realized that each time I complained to H about his mother, it hurt him. He KNEW what she was doing and how it affected me but I realized that he wasn't in the frame of mind to do anything until it affected HIM. So I stopped talking about it and carried on with my own plan. Eventually, H saw things for himself and he too made changes in his reaction to them and he backed me up when I objected to a visit or two with them. IOW, he came around and now things are better. It was hard to explain to my kids why they were that way up until the incident that changed it all for me - at that point I directed my kids to call them by their names instead of grandma and grandpa. I figured they weren't acting like grandparents, why give them that honor? We definitely shook things up. This past November, my mother in law once again did something monumentally stupid and rotten to my difficult child and H had finally grown the you-know-whats to say something and say something he did! Wow - I was sooo proud of him at that moment. It didn't change anything for anyone but US. WE both benefitted. I think it meant more coming from him than me anyway. His mother feigned ignorance, but she knows. And his father is tripping over himself to be nice to us. Shari, I'm sorry to go on...Only YOU know what feels right in your heart and how to handle this. If going into it you know that nothing will change on HER end, then you're two steps ahead of the game, in my opinion. Many hugs to you. Stay strong and do what's right for YOU and your kiddos. YOUR family is most important, not the IL's. And as long as you have H backing you, you're golden. [/QUOTE]
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The Watercooler
a grudge, of sorts. can you help? sorry so long.
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