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A husband problem
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 477285" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Liahona</p><p></p><p>I lived that for..........ohhhh about 15 - 16 yrs of my marriage. Only I didn't work except for about 2 yrs worth of it. (I found out that just made it worse, husband would never look for a job)</p><p></p><p>The only solution I ever found was to start letting utilities get cut off and making husband tough it out with the rest of us. I started with non essentials first (cable, phone ect) Then I literally drug him down to the welfare office to sign up for emergency food stamps.......went to community action for help with essential utilities (usually they'll pay it once per year to keep it on if they have the funds available) ........And made him fess up to his mother so she'd <em><strong>stop</strong></em> loaning him money. That one hurt the most, all of us. But she was trying to help me and the kids but was enabling the hades out of the man.</p><p></p><p>That helped alot. He didn't like doing without stuff like lights and heat and water and food (especially snack foods he liked). </p><p></p><p>Then I had the accident and my short term memory was literally shot to heck for at least 2 yrs, reading even a simple bill was confusing and I had issues adding 1+1 for pete's sake. So I told him he had no choice but to keep the bills paid, and if he didn't........we were done, over, fini, caput. I was scared to death to hand it over to him, but I just had no choice at that time.</p><p></p><p>He did a LOT of juggling sometimes (not always his fault, mostly not his fault actually), but he managed to keep them paid..........ok a few times we did without trash service and it peeved me but there is a huge difference in doing without trash service or doing without heat or lights or water. Know what I mean?? </p><p></p><p>If it were me and husband (and trust me I did this so much it wasn't funny), I'd take away the video games, the movies, shut off the cable........if that's what it took to get his attention. (think overgrown child because in some ways they act the same way) Then I used them for motivation. You want this? Then you do this. The ol' carrot routine. </p><p></p><p>I'm not sure how workable that would be for you but you might figure out a way to make him uncomfortable enough to find the motivation to look and find a job at the very least. I worry about mother in law coming in because he's already seeing it as more play time for him.........job hunting my foot, lol, he thinks just like my husband. </p><p></p><p>I'm as stubborn as an ox/mule mongrel when I need to be, and with husband I needed to be often. </p><p></p><p>If you can at least get him to talk honestly with you over the job thing (I could at least get husband to do that without getting snarky on me) you might be able to figure out where the issue is.....could be anything from the interview process......he may need to practice those skills........to going into a new work environment.....to whatever. </p><p></p><p>Like with any other difficult child, you've often got to think outside the box. The thing that made me the maddest with husband was on some issues I had to treat him like a child, literally, when what I wanted was a partner. </p><p></p><p>I will say though once mother in law stopped loaning money to cover his spending and he felt the pinch of it first hand, he got that part under control at least. And then he finally managed the bills. I've got a mess on my hands because his filing *cough, choke, cough* system is omg an utter disaster......but the bills were only behind because he didn't get his unemployment check for August.</p><p></p><p>Thank heaven above in the money or working respect, Travis does NOT take after his dad. At least not that I've seen. But then I've never enabled him the way mother in law (bless her heart) enabled husband either.</p><p></p><p>I feel for you, hon. I really do. It's not easy for sure.</p><p></p><p>((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 477285, member: 84"] Liahona I lived that for..........ohhhh about 15 - 16 yrs of my marriage. Only I didn't work except for about 2 yrs worth of it. (I found out that just made it worse, husband would never look for a job) The only solution I ever found was to start letting utilities get cut off and making husband tough it out with the rest of us. I started with non essentials first (cable, phone ect) Then I literally drug him down to the welfare office to sign up for emergency food stamps.......went to community action for help with essential utilities (usually they'll pay it once per year to keep it on if they have the funds available) ........And made him fess up to his mother so she'd [I][B]stop[/B][/I] loaning him money. That one hurt the most, all of us. But she was trying to help me and the kids but was enabling the hades out of the man. That helped alot. He didn't like doing without stuff like lights and heat and water and food (especially snack foods he liked). Then I had the accident and my short term memory was literally shot to heck for at least 2 yrs, reading even a simple bill was confusing and I had issues adding 1+1 for pete's sake. So I told him he had no choice but to keep the bills paid, and if he didn't........we were done, over, fini, caput. I was scared to death to hand it over to him, but I just had no choice at that time. He did a LOT of juggling sometimes (not always his fault, mostly not his fault actually), but he managed to keep them paid..........ok a few times we did without trash service and it peeved me but there is a huge difference in doing without trash service or doing without heat or lights or water. Know what I mean?? If it were me and husband (and trust me I did this so much it wasn't funny), I'd take away the video games, the movies, shut off the cable........if that's what it took to get his attention. (think overgrown child because in some ways they act the same way) Then I used them for motivation. You want this? Then you do this. The ol' carrot routine. I'm not sure how workable that would be for you but you might figure out a way to make him uncomfortable enough to find the motivation to look and find a job at the very least. I worry about mother in law coming in because he's already seeing it as more play time for him.........job hunting my foot, lol, he thinks just like my husband. I'm as stubborn as an ox/mule mongrel when I need to be, and with husband I needed to be often. If you can at least get him to talk honestly with you over the job thing (I could at least get husband to do that without getting snarky on me) you might be able to figure out where the issue is.....could be anything from the interview process......he may need to practice those skills........to going into a new work environment.....to whatever. Like with any other difficult child, you've often got to think outside the box. The thing that made me the maddest with husband was on some issues I had to treat him like a child, literally, when what I wanted was a partner. I will say though once mother in law stopped loaning money to cover his spending and he felt the pinch of it first hand, he got that part under control at least. And then he finally managed the bills. I've got a mess on my hands because his filing *cough, choke, cough* system is omg an utter disaster......but the bills were only behind because he didn't get his unemployment check for August. Thank heaven above in the money or working respect, Travis does NOT take after his dad. At least not that I've seen. But then I've never enabled him the way mother in law (bless her heart) enabled husband either. I feel for you, hon. I really do. It's not easy for sure. ((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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