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A Job? School? Me? A baby sounds like a good solution.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 549002" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I agree with CiV, if you aren't quite ready to force her out, you need to find ways to take very good care of you. Brainstorming with your therapist or your group sounds like a great idea.</p><p></p><p>I'm a little further down this road now, with an older difficult child and my two cents are this: After watching my difficult child make very similar choices, and also having some kind of a mental issue, I have come to the conclusion that there is a part of my difficult child that knows she cannot be in the world in the way others are and she keeps herself insulated from the real world as a result. Magical thinking, entitlement, arrogance, drug or alcohol abuse in some cases, all of that plays a role I'm sure, however, I believe, they know they're incapable to perform at a job to the level that would be expected of them, so rather then fail, they don't engage. I don't think that my difficult child would admit that in a hundred years, but that's my gut feeling about it. That also gives me some compassion about it too, even though, the choices are still remarkably poor, I just have to accept that her brain does not operate in a normal fashion. None of my wishing, hoping, judging, lamenting, trying, enabling, rescuing or <u>anything I DID</u>, helped in any way. All that was left, was acceptance of her the way she is and setting boundaries around what I could not tolerate. Once I got there, it all got better. I then stopped expecting her to show up in any way that was what "I would do" or "what anyone else would do" because that caused a lot of pain for me and clearly, was an expectation that was not going to get fulfilled. </p><p></p><p>For me, the hardest part was to acknowledge who she really was, separate from what I wanted her to be. I think as a parent, we want so much for our kids and when they are a difficult child, and their lives are negatively impacted by their poor choices, we try so hard to get them to make better choices to improve their lives. But, the choices they make don't have anything to do with the kind of lives we live, they really are living in that altered Universe, living a very different reality with very different perceptions of what is right and what is wrong. We know the consequences, but in my difficult child's case, because she cannot "future think" everything is simply about this very moment, nothing else. The future doesn't exist for her, she cannot see her role in that. Sigh.</p><p></p><p>I can't imagine having to deal with a baby in all of this, I so hope that doesn't happen with your difficult child. I'm raising my granddaughter and I prayed a long time that there would be no more babies. I think I dodged that bullet. I had decided I would not be a part of any further children's lives. My heart goes out to you, I know right down to my toes, just how challenging this all is for you. I agree with everything CiV said. Hang in there, get support, really look at her and determine what she really is capable of and set strong boundaries which keep you safe and as peaceful as you can get.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 549002, member: 13542"] I agree with CiV, if you aren't quite ready to force her out, you need to find ways to take very good care of you. Brainstorming with your therapist or your group sounds like a great idea. I'm a little further down this road now, with an older difficult child and my two cents are this: After watching my difficult child make very similar choices, and also having some kind of a mental issue, I have come to the conclusion that there is a part of my difficult child that knows she cannot be in the world in the way others are and she keeps herself insulated from the real world as a result. Magical thinking, entitlement, arrogance, drug or alcohol abuse in some cases, all of that plays a role I'm sure, however, I believe, they know they're incapable to perform at a job to the level that would be expected of them, so rather then fail, they don't engage. I don't think that my difficult child would admit that in a hundred years, but that's my gut feeling about it. That also gives me some compassion about it too, even though, the choices are still remarkably poor, I just have to accept that her brain does not operate in a normal fashion. None of my wishing, hoping, judging, lamenting, trying, enabling, rescuing or [U]anything I DID[/U], helped in any way. All that was left, was acceptance of her the way she is and setting boundaries around what I could not tolerate. Once I got there, it all got better. I then stopped expecting her to show up in any way that was what "I would do" or "what anyone else would do" because that caused a lot of pain for me and clearly, was an expectation that was not going to get fulfilled. For me, the hardest part was to acknowledge who she really was, separate from what I wanted her to be. I think as a parent, we want so much for our kids and when they are a difficult child, and their lives are negatively impacted by their poor choices, we try so hard to get them to make better choices to improve their lives. But, the choices they make don't have anything to do with the kind of lives we live, they really are living in that altered Universe, living a very different reality with very different perceptions of what is right and what is wrong. We know the consequences, but in my difficult child's case, because she cannot "future think" everything is simply about this very moment, nothing else. The future doesn't exist for her, she cannot see her role in that. Sigh. I can't imagine having to deal with a baby in all of this, I so hope that doesn't happen with your difficult child. I'm raising my granddaughter and I prayed a long time that there would be no more babies. I think I dodged that bullet. I had decided I would not be a part of any further children's lives. My heart goes out to you, I know right down to my toes, just how challenging this all is for you. I agree with everything CiV said. Hang in there, get support, really look at her and determine what she really is capable of and set strong boundaries which keep you safe and as peaceful as you can get. [/QUOTE]
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