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A new comer desperate for advise
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<blockquote data-quote="Steely" data-source="post: 214917" data-attributes="member: 3301"><p>Wow.........first of all I want to say that you are a good, good guy. You seem to really care, and want to help this woman.</p><p></p><p>I know it is really, really hard to share stories like this. It makes you feel sick to your stomach to really write down the truth. We all feel that way when we first come here.</p><p></p><p>Truthfully, I would take the goal of marriage completely off of the table, and wipe it out of your mind for now. There is entirely too much going on, for that thought to even enter the equation. Everyone in this scenario needs to simply focus on themselves getting better first and foremost.</p><p></p><p>A couple of thoughts/suggestions here...........</p><p></p><p>-You could possibly be enabling the girlfriend. Take some giant steps backwards. Why isn't she supporting herself? She needs to be the one who steps up to the plate to care for her children, even if the Dad is a dead beat. It's hard, but it is what she needs, the children need to see, and what you need.</p><p></p><p>-Evidently she was sexually abused? Which is why she was in such denial about her own children? She needs to get lots and lots of therapy for that in order to help her children, and in order to ever be part of a successful marriage. </p><p></p><p>-The teenager sounds like she is about to go under. She is internally combusting. Who is helping her? She needs mentors, Big Sisters, counseling, programs. (But truthfully, not a new Dad - it only makes issues worse at this point.)</p><p></p><p>-The 8 year old is externally combusting. She is acting out everything that happened to her, while her mom and older sister are holding it in. What help is she getting? Has she been tested by a Psychiatrist for mood disorders? Does she have a support system in place? Does she need to be hospitalized and evaluated?</p><p>Many kids like her have both trauma as well as mood disorders that cause them to behave in such outlandish ways. She may need a lot more help than mom or sister, but all 3 are dealing with the same horrible issues. The 8 year old is just acting out everything she feels, rather than internalizing it - and if you combine that with some sort of chemical imbalance then you have a roaring fire.</p><p></p><p>I hope you do not mind me being blunt and honest - but the best thing you can do for this family is become an objective friend. These kids do not need a new Dad or a new husband, or even mom's new boyfriend - it is only one more added trauma and stressor for these kids. I speak from experience. Believe me. The best thing for all is for them to see mom be strong, stand on her own 2 feet, support these kids both financially and emotionally, and for them to see her as their ally and defender. I cannot imagine the anger the girls have that their mom let their dad abuse them - actually I can - because it happened to me.</p><p></p><p>Welcome, and forgive me if I have been too opinionated. We welcome you on this board, no matter what happens or what you decide. Bottom line is we love our children, and we want to help ALL children who suffer.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steely, post: 214917, member: 3301"] Wow.........first of all I want to say that you are a good, good guy. You seem to really care, and want to help this woman. I know it is really, really hard to share stories like this. It makes you feel sick to your stomach to really write down the truth. We all feel that way when we first come here. Truthfully, I would take the goal of marriage completely off of the table, and wipe it out of your mind for now. There is entirely too much going on, for that thought to even enter the equation. Everyone in this scenario needs to simply focus on themselves getting better first and foremost. A couple of thoughts/suggestions here........... -You could possibly be enabling the girlfriend. Take some giant steps backwards. Why isn't she supporting herself? She needs to be the one who steps up to the plate to care for her children, even if the Dad is a dead beat. It's hard, but it is what she needs, the children need to see, and what you need. -Evidently she was sexually abused? Which is why she was in such denial about her own children? She needs to get lots and lots of therapy for that in order to help her children, and in order to ever be part of a successful marriage. -The teenager sounds like she is about to go under. She is internally combusting. Who is helping her? She needs mentors, Big Sisters, counseling, programs. (But truthfully, not a new Dad - it only makes issues worse at this point.) -The 8 year old is externally combusting. She is acting out everything that happened to her, while her mom and older sister are holding it in. What help is she getting? Has she been tested by a Psychiatrist for mood disorders? Does she have a support system in place? Does she need to be hospitalized and evaluated? Many kids like her have both trauma as well as mood disorders that cause them to behave in such outlandish ways. She may need a lot more help than mom or sister, but all 3 are dealing with the same horrible issues. The 8 year old is just acting out everything she feels, rather than internalizing it - and if you combine that with some sort of chemical imbalance then you have a roaring fire. I hope you do not mind me being blunt and honest - but the best thing you can do for this family is become an objective friend. These kids do not need a new Dad or a new husband, or even mom's new boyfriend - it is only one more added trauma and stressor for these kids. I speak from experience. Believe me. The best thing for all is for them to see mom be strong, stand on her own 2 feet, support these kids both financially and emotionally, and for them to see her as their ally and defender. I cannot imagine the anger the girls have that their mom let their dad abuse them - actually I can - because it happened to me. Welcome, and forgive me if I have been too opinionated. We welcome you on this board, no matter what happens or what you decide. Bottom line is we love our children, and we want to help ALL children who suffer. [/QUOTE]
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