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A new comer desperate for advise
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 214926" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Hi and welcome. You really are a great guy. I have to say though, that this is one big mess you are in. PLEASE take a step back, as steely suggested.</p><p> </p><p>Not only are you in a relationship that you CAN'T fix, with children who have been so despicably damaged, and a girlfriend who has also probably been damaged long before she had kids, and was damaged in her relationship with the father of her kids. There is SO MUCH wrong with the situation that you are just not going to be able to realistically "fix" it.</p><p> </p><p>The 14yo needs HELP, not truancy court, or anything else. she is falling apart inside, probably hates herself (though it is NOT at ALL in any way HER fault!) and is at a very high risk for suicide. does the mom FULLY realize this? Is she at all willing to advocate for this child at school? She needs to go to the shcool and ask for an IEP based on the child's trauma and PTSD. She also needs to find therapists and psychiatrists to treat this child.</p><p> </p><p>The 8yo is in major combustion. She also needs help and a mom who will be strong enough to advocate for her at school and with doctors. </p><p> </p><p>The other kids are going to need this also. EACH and EVERY one. </p><p> </p><p>and your girlfriend is not in a position to be a full partner in a relationship. She jumped from one horrible relationship into a relationship with you, with-o taking time to deal at all with the issues that led her into that relationship, led her to stay, to not believe her children were being horribly abused, etc...</p><p> </p><p>PLEASE make that appointment with a therapist, and then KEEP it. If tis therapist isn't the right fit, work to find one who is. THen work to see what about this situation appeals to you. I know you don't want to abandon anyone. But you need to find out what in this totally dependent woman and this unbalanced relationship are appealing to you, what need it is fulfilling in YOU. Until you do this, you can't be a real partner in an equal relationship.</p><p> </p><p>And these kids will not survive if they have much more stress or trauma in their lives. And a parent's boyfriend/fiance/new husband IS a stressor to any kid. Esp ones this abused. </p><p> </p><p>You are also opening yourself up to some very damaged kids who may at some point falsely accuse YOU of abuse (NOT that the accusations up to this time are false!) because it is a way to exert some control over their lives, because they are so damaged they truly can't tell the difference between affection and sexual abuse, because they want to strike out at their mom or at you for some reason, or whatever. It is hard to face the possibility that these kids you want to help might do this, but it IS a possibility. Or their abusive father may say that YOU are the one abusing the kids, NOT him. It would be one way to get revenge on the mom, esp as you are the one who encouraged her to take the child to the authorities, thus ending or threatening his hold on them.</p><p> </p><p>And with this kind of accusation, once you are accused you are assumed guilty by MUCH of the community. It could REALLY tear apart every aspect of your life. One of the very best friends my father EVER had was a vice principal in a school. My dad taught there for many years. I KNOW this man, and he is ethical and moral in every way. A very GOOD man. But one junior high girl was angry with him for calling her mother after the girl did something wrong at school. The girl accused him of sexual misconduct and abuse. </p><p> </p><p>It DEVASTATED his life and his family. He was not fired, though he was suspended. He had to fight for his job, because he will not be able to be hired by anyone else. The ACCUSATION destroyed ANY chance that he would EVER be promoted. It put unbelievalbe strain on his decades-long marriage. HIS children were teased, bullied, harrassed and even ASSAULTED at school and in various group activities. He almost lost his HOME due to the cost of the legal fees and the suspension.</p><p> </p><p>He WAS exonerated, but that didn't even begin to repair his life, or the damage to his family. And I KNOW that the charges were totally false(our families were close, I spent time in his home, with his kids, etc....).</p><p> </p><p>PLEASE work with a therapist, face the huge issues in front of you, and then determine what you want to do. We will give you our knowledge, support, experiences, and advice. And we will NOT be offended when you take whatever helps you and leave the rest. Not everything is right for everyone. we KNOW that, better than many many people. So we will offer our support, period.</p><p> </p><p>I am sorry to be so negative about the relationship. I thought for quite a while before writing all of this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 214926, member: 1233"] Hi and welcome. You really are a great guy. I have to say though, that this is one big mess you are in. PLEASE take a step back, as steely suggested. Not only are you in a relationship that you CAN'T fix, with children who have been so despicably damaged, and a girlfriend who has also probably been damaged long before she had kids, and was damaged in her relationship with the father of her kids. There is SO MUCH wrong with the situation that you are just not going to be able to realistically "fix" it. The 14yo needs HELP, not truancy court, or anything else. she is falling apart inside, probably hates herself (though it is NOT at ALL in any way HER fault!) and is at a very high risk for suicide. does the mom FULLY realize this? Is she at all willing to advocate for this child at school? She needs to go to the shcool and ask for an IEP based on the child's trauma and PTSD. She also needs to find therapists and psychiatrists to treat this child. The 8yo is in major combustion. She also needs help and a mom who will be strong enough to advocate for her at school and with doctors. The other kids are going to need this also. EACH and EVERY one. and your girlfriend is not in a position to be a full partner in a relationship. She jumped from one horrible relationship into a relationship with you, with-o taking time to deal at all with the issues that led her into that relationship, led her to stay, to not believe her children were being horribly abused, etc... PLEASE make that appointment with a therapist, and then KEEP it. If tis therapist isn't the right fit, work to find one who is. THen work to see what about this situation appeals to you. I know you don't want to abandon anyone. But you need to find out what in this totally dependent woman and this unbalanced relationship are appealing to you, what need it is fulfilling in YOU. Until you do this, you can't be a real partner in an equal relationship. And these kids will not survive if they have much more stress or trauma in their lives. And a parent's boyfriend/fiance/new husband IS a stressor to any kid. Esp ones this abused. You are also opening yourself up to some very damaged kids who may at some point falsely accuse YOU of abuse (NOT that the accusations up to this time are false!) because it is a way to exert some control over their lives, because they are so damaged they truly can't tell the difference between affection and sexual abuse, because they want to strike out at their mom or at you for some reason, or whatever. It is hard to face the possibility that these kids you want to help might do this, but it IS a possibility. Or their abusive father may say that YOU are the one abusing the kids, NOT him. It would be one way to get revenge on the mom, esp as you are the one who encouraged her to take the child to the authorities, thus ending or threatening his hold on them. And with this kind of accusation, once you are accused you are assumed guilty by MUCH of the community. It could REALLY tear apart every aspect of your life. One of the very best friends my father EVER had was a vice principal in a school. My dad taught there for many years. I KNOW this man, and he is ethical and moral in every way. A very GOOD man. But one junior high girl was angry with him for calling her mother after the girl did something wrong at school. The girl accused him of sexual misconduct and abuse. It DEVASTATED his life and his family. He was not fired, though he was suspended. He had to fight for his job, because he will not be able to be hired by anyone else. The ACCUSATION destroyed ANY chance that he would EVER be promoted. It put unbelievalbe strain on his decades-long marriage. HIS children were teased, bullied, harrassed and even ASSAULTED at school and in various group activities. He almost lost his HOME due to the cost of the legal fees and the suspension. He WAS exonerated, but that didn't even begin to repair his life, or the damage to his family. And I KNOW that the charges were totally false(our families were close, I spent time in his home, with his kids, etc....). PLEASE work with a therapist, face the huge issues in front of you, and then determine what you want to do. We will give you our knowledge, support, experiences, and advice. And we will NOT be offended when you take whatever helps you and leave the rest. Not everything is right for everyone. we KNOW that, better than many many people. So we will offer our support, period. I am sorry to be so negative about the relationship. I thought for quite a while before writing all of this. [/QUOTE]
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