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General Parenting
A new comer desperate for advise
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<blockquote data-quote="canthandleitanymore" data-source="post: 214928" data-attributes="member: 6345"><p>Hi bam. Welcome to this board! I am very new to this myself, but I've found some support and guidance here. Sometimes when I'm desperate and lonely I just read the stories here. Some give me hope, others make me sad, but many of them I can relate to. There's something about knowing you're not alone in this that helps.</p><p> </p><p>I could have written your story, minus the sexual abuse. I am 100% in your same boat. I have no children. My boyfriend has three kids. Only one lives with him, but the one who does is a pretty disturbed child. He is almost 11 and quite frankly, makes life hell. Because I don't want to use his name, I call him Johnny on this board. He is oppositional, argues over everything, defies any authority, refuses to take "no" for answer, has no friends, cries, does poorly academically, never does as asked, is completely disrespectful...the list goes on. He also has abandonment issues from a mother who is an alcoholic and drug user who never bothers to see him. Although she does have another child who goes to Johnny's school and she manages to pick that child up daily. So Johnny sees her all the time spending time with his half-sister, but she never bothers to evn call him. Johnny recognizes that I'm someone good in his life but that's not enough for him to treat me with any respect or even be nice to me. He does have his "good" moments, but for the most part life with him is just miserable. My boyfriend isn't a bad parent, he just doesn't know what the h**l to do, so he has basically done nothing. He's written Johnny off as "just a boy" and gone on with the assumption that he'll grow out of it. When I came into the picture two years ago, I saw that there was way more going on with this kid. My boyfriend is finally realizing Johnny needs help although he relies heavily on me to do all the footwork.</p><p> </p><p>We went to the counselor this week and she thinks Johnny has bipolar. I'm not so convinced. With my boyfriend's permission, I scheduled Johnny for a neuropsychological evaluation. The intake is on Tuesday and the testing will be shortly after. I will be more comfortable with accepting any diagnosis once he's been thoroughly evaluated.</p><p> </p><p>I know exactly how you feel when you say you're terrified to commit your life to your girlfriend with a child who has so many issues. That's where I am right now. I love my boyfriend very much. We're perfect for each other. But it's a huge load to take on someone else's child's problems. It's not just now or until Johnny turns 18...I will be dealing with this for the REST OF MY LIFE. I feel guilty even saying that, like somehow I should be a saint and just accept it all. It's frustrating and scary. We want to get married but I'm the one who balks at it. I'm not sure I can do it. As much as I love my boyfriend, I'm not sure I WANT to do it.</p><p> </p><p>Wish I did, but I have no answers for you. Nothing that will make it easier. At the end of the day, we both have a decision to make. A really, really tough decision. If you want to message me, feel free. I'm not an expert and there are lots of people on this board with more experience and advice than I, but I know what you're going through. All I can offer is that I know what it's like to be faced with such an awful, heart-wrenching decision.</p><p> </p><p>Take care of yourself. I hope you find the decision that's right for YOU.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="canthandleitanymore, post: 214928, member: 6345"] Hi bam. Welcome to this board! I am very new to this myself, but I've found some support and guidance here. Sometimes when I'm desperate and lonely I just read the stories here. Some give me hope, others make me sad, but many of them I can relate to. There's something about knowing you're not alone in this that helps. I could have written your story, minus the sexual abuse. I am 100% in your same boat. I have no children. My boyfriend has three kids. Only one lives with him, but the one who does is a pretty disturbed child. He is almost 11 and quite frankly, makes life hell. Because I don't want to use his name, I call him Johnny on this board. He is oppositional, argues over everything, defies any authority, refuses to take "no" for answer, has no friends, cries, does poorly academically, never does as asked, is completely disrespectful...the list goes on. He also has abandonment issues from a mother who is an alcoholic and drug user who never bothers to see him. Although she does have another child who goes to Johnny's school and she manages to pick that child up daily. So Johnny sees her all the time spending time with his half-sister, but she never bothers to evn call him. Johnny recognizes that I'm someone good in his life but that's not enough for him to treat me with any respect or even be nice to me. He does have his "good" moments, but for the most part life with him is just miserable. My boyfriend isn't a bad parent, he just doesn't know what the h**l to do, so he has basically done nothing. He's written Johnny off as "just a boy" and gone on with the assumption that he'll grow out of it. When I came into the picture two years ago, I saw that there was way more going on with this kid. My boyfriend is finally realizing Johnny needs help although he relies heavily on me to do all the footwork. We went to the counselor this week and she thinks Johnny has bipolar. I'm not so convinced. With my boyfriend's permission, I scheduled Johnny for a neuropsychological evaluation. The intake is on Tuesday and the testing will be shortly after. I will be more comfortable with accepting any diagnosis once he's been thoroughly evaluated. I know exactly how you feel when you say you're terrified to commit your life to your girlfriend with a child who has so many issues. That's where I am right now. I love my boyfriend very much. We're perfect for each other. But it's a huge load to take on someone else's child's problems. It's not just now or until Johnny turns 18...I will be dealing with this for the REST OF MY LIFE. I feel guilty even saying that, like somehow I should be a saint and just accept it all. It's frustrating and scary. We want to get married but I'm the one who balks at it. I'm not sure I can do it. As much as I love my boyfriend, I'm not sure I WANT to do it. Wish I did, but I have no answers for you. Nothing that will make it easier. At the end of the day, we both have a decision to make. A really, really tough decision. If you want to message me, feel free. I'm not an expert and there are lots of people on this board with more experience and advice than I, but I know what you're going through. All I can offer is that I know what it's like to be faced with such an awful, heart-wrenching decision. Take care of yourself. I hope you find the decision that's right for YOU. [/QUOTE]
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