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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 215249" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Steely, I like your description of the kids internally combusting or externally combusting. </p><p></p><p>Bam, welcome. You are one amazing bloke. You and your girlfriend have a lot on your plate and I really think you are heading for stormier seas despite all your best efforts. However, with time, effort and a lot of luck, this still could be turned around.</p><p></p><p>You both need access to counselling and therapy. For yourselves, for the kids. Individually and collectively. You also both need to think about what you were looking for in your relationship with each other. She also needs to think about how she has ended up where she is in her life. At some stage, she has got herself into an emotional holding pattern (you may have also, in your own way) and this needs to be at least examined and assessed within herself, to make sure that any emotional bad habits are identified and broken, so she can grow and move on.</p><p></p><p>Now for some suggestions that can help Now.</p><p></p><p>1) Get your girlfriend to read the posts here as well, maybe post with you. I also firmly agree, you need to keep this confidential, the last thing you need is her ex using any of these posts in court - if there is nothing identifying, there is no way anyone can say this is you - it could be someone else with the same story.</p><p></p><p>2) Get a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Regardless of exactly what is wrong, it can help a great deal with difficult children (and organisations, and adults). This is a book which has helped many of us here. There are other books which will be recommended - nobody here makes a recommendation lightly. "Explosive Child" is also discussed on the Early Childhood forum if you want a free peek (frankly, I got it out of the library - also free).</p><p></p><p>"Explosive Child" is NOT a cure, but it is a different way of discipline that I feel works especially well with very bright children - they can quickly pick up on the logic of it and also realise that you are trying to help them maintain control. When it's working, it is using the child's own stubbornness to help them develop self-control. I think these kids all need this - you can do this with PCs too and frankly given what has been happening, they probably all should be considered as having difficult child status, even if it's only honourable.</p><p></p><p>It can be scary letting a child have some control, especially when parental instinct is to clamp down even harder on wayward children. But with kids like this, the more you clamp down and get strict, the worse they behave until you can no longer assert your authority.</p><p></p><p>As a potential step-parent, it is even more difficult for you. You cannot expect to be able to assert authority without it being challenged. And especially with kids like this, you should never try to fight a battle of wills you cannot guarantee winning. It is better to not engage in battle, than to engage and lose. </p><p>But there are ways of winning. And if you think about a parent's aim for their children, it is for them ultimately to be happy, independent, productive and occupied. How you get there can be very different, but the aim is to get there. Sometimes you can find yourself on a short-cut and if you try to step away from the short-cut to go back to the more widely known highway, you can find yourself in a real struggle. If a child is already wanting to make their own decisions, then rather than insist on the child making YOUR decisions, allow the child enough leeway and provide enough support so that the child's decisions are their own but are GOOD choices.</p><p></p><p>The book helps.</p><p></p><p>What is wrong with these kids? I don't know. It could have a hereditary component, or it could all come down to the history of abuse. Frankly, for the sake of discipline it doesn't matter. You have problems, you need help. If there has been ANY abuse (sexual or otherwise) and form what you say, there has been - then the children (and girlfriend) will feel a very strong need to control their own environment. And if mother wants control, and the child wants control, they will clash. For long-term success the children need to each learn good self-control and to make sound decisions. That requires support. For them to be willing to accept that support, they need the adults in their life to step back and let them make SOME decisions and to also be consistent about it - no changing your mind and suddenly insisting on things being done your way when what the child wants to do would be equally acceptable, if maybe take slightly longer.</p><p></p><p>Read here. Lurk here. Get girlfriend to do the same. Take time. Step back a bit and make sure that girlfriend can stand on her own two feet emotionally, before she jumps into relying too much on you and not enough on herself. If you can both do this and your relationship survives, you will know it is because you find a connection between yourselves in a good way, and it won't be because she needs a strong man to hold her together. And for you, you will know it's not just because you've found someone who can only see you as Sir Galahad, but someone who really loves you independently of your shining armour and big white horse.</p><p></p><p>Keep us posted on how you're getting on. Times are going to be rough, but if/when you all come through this well, you will know you can achieve anything.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 215249, member: 1991"] Steely, I like your description of the kids internally combusting or externally combusting. Bam, welcome. You are one amazing bloke. You and your girlfriend have a lot on your plate and I really think you are heading for stormier seas despite all your best efforts. However, with time, effort and a lot of luck, this still could be turned around. You both need access to counselling and therapy. For yourselves, for the kids. Individually and collectively. You also both need to think about what you were looking for in your relationship with each other. She also needs to think about how she has ended up where she is in her life. At some stage, she has got herself into an emotional holding pattern (you may have also, in your own way) and this needs to be at least examined and assessed within herself, to make sure that any emotional bad habits are identified and broken, so she can grow and move on. Now for some suggestions that can help Now. 1) Get your girlfriend to read the posts here as well, maybe post with you. I also firmly agree, you need to keep this confidential, the last thing you need is her ex using any of these posts in court - if there is nothing identifying, there is no way anyone can say this is you - it could be someone else with the same story. 2) Get a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Regardless of exactly what is wrong, it can help a great deal with difficult children (and organisations, and adults). This is a book which has helped many of us here. There are other books which will be recommended - nobody here makes a recommendation lightly. "Explosive Child" is also discussed on the Early Childhood forum if you want a free peek (frankly, I got it out of the library - also free). "Explosive Child" is NOT a cure, but it is a different way of discipline that I feel works especially well with very bright children - they can quickly pick up on the logic of it and also realise that you are trying to help them maintain control. When it's working, it is using the child's own stubbornness to help them develop self-control. I think these kids all need this - you can do this with PCs too and frankly given what has been happening, they probably all should be considered as having difficult child status, even if it's only honourable. It can be scary letting a child have some control, especially when parental instinct is to clamp down even harder on wayward children. But with kids like this, the more you clamp down and get strict, the worse they behave until you can no longer assert your authority. As a potential step-parent, it is even more difficult for you. You cannot expect to be able to assert authority without it being challenged. And especially with kids like this, you should never try to fight a battle of wills you cannot guarantee winning. It is better to not engage in battle, than to engage and lose. But there are ways of winning. And if you think about a parent's aim for their children, it is for them ultimately to be happy, independent, productive and occupied. How you get there can be very different, but the aim is to get there. Sometimes you can find yourself on a short-cut and if you try to step away from the short-cut to go back to the more widely known highway, you can find yourself in a real struggle. If a child is already wanting to make their own decisions, then rather than insist on the child making YOUR decisions, allow the child enough leeway and provide enough support so that the child's decisions are their own but are GOOD choices. The book helps. What is wrong with these kids? I don't know. It could have a hereditary component, or it could all come down to the history of abuse. Frankly, for the sake of discipline it doesn't matter. You have problems, you need help. If there has been ANY abuse (sexual or otherwise) and form what you say, there has been - then the children (and girlfriend) will feel a very strong need to control their own environment. And if mother wants control, and the child wants control, they will clash. For long-term success the children need to each learn good self-control and to make sound decisions. That requires support. For them to be willing to accept that support, they need the adults in their life to step back and let them make SOME decisions and to also be consistent about it - no changing your mind and suddenly insisting on things being done your way when what the child wants to do would be equally acceptable, if maybe take slightly longer. Read here. Lurk here. Get girlfriend to do the same. Take time. Step back a bit and make sure that girlfriend can stand on her own two feet emotionally, before she jumps into relying too much on you and not enough on herself. If you can both do this and your relationship survives, you will know it is because you find a connection between yourselves in a good way, and it won't be because she needs a strong man to hold her together. And for you, you will know it's not just because you've found someone who can only see you as Sir Galahad, but someone who really loves you independently of your shining armour and big white horse. Keep us posted on how you're getting on. Times are going to be rough, but if/when you all come through this well, you will know you can achieve anything. Marg [/QUOTE]
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