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Parent Emeritus
A question to those of you with non grads
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 656639" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>I fought for services for my Youngest all through high school, through the IEP process and our local county team. She had severe school anxiety and didn't do well in the classroom. I got her in collaborative classes, then self-contained, then a special therapeutic day school, and finally, after multiple attention-seeking overdoses and a threat from me to sign over custody to DSS, residential treatment paid for by the county. She ended up in a wonderful therapeutic day school after Residential Treatment Center (RTC), it was a dream placement for her specific issues. She was almost caught up and was going to graduate on time. Then, she made friends with a spoiled rich girl at the school, started breaking rules all over again, got into more drinking and drug experimenting, turned 18, and promptly dropped out - 4 months before graduation. To say I was crushed was an understatement. I felt like all that work to "save" her was for nothing. However, I had to accept that this was HER choice - not mine. It wasn't a reflection on my work to "save her," but on her lack of drive or effort to do any work to save herself. </p><p></p><p>I did the "get a job or leave" rule. I gave her 3 months. She knew I meant it ... I was prepared to literally change the locks and drop her off somewhere, I'd had it. Before the end of 3 months, she had a job (grocery store clerk, they never checked whether or not she had graduated from HS). She enrolled in a community college work/study program to get her GED, but then got pregnant and dropped out of that. Again, I was crushed. All bets were off. I let her stay with me as long as she applied for services, which she did - and moved out when my grandson was 18 months old. </p><p></p><p>Lots has happened since then, too much to write here .. it wasn't easy and there were many, many bumps. Having a baby stopped her drinking and drugging, but she made many other poor decisions for a long time. She moved in and out of my house after a pretty severe crisis. But the bottom line is, she got her GED eventually years later (after a second baby - oy that was a rougher time), although she was able to find minimum wage work even without it (no one ever seems to check high school records - she would simply put her high school name and the dates attended, and ignore the "graduated" box). She definitely regrets dropping out, but she made her way anyway.</p><p></p><p>Now, at 27 years old, she is definitely a productive member of society -- heck she's downright responsible (even if I don't always agree with how she does it, she does it). She told me recently,"don't worry about me, I'm taking care of everything just fine," and she MEANT it. Wow! </p><p></p><p>When I look back, I see very clearly that the more I refused to help, the more boundaries I put in place, the more independent she became. It wasn't always easy (specially with grandkids involved), but it WORKED. 100%. </p><p></p><p>Best advice I can give you is: don't work harder than she does to get her what she wants. Let HER worry about her future. Let her OWN her decisions. If you step back and let her, she'll figure out very quickly that you don't get far in life without hard work. Be an example to her of that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 656639, member: 1157"] I fought for services for my Youngest all through high school, through the IEP process and our local county team. She had severe school anxiety and didn't do well in the classroom. I got her in collaborative classes, then self-contained, then a special therapeutic day school, and finally, after multiple attention-seeking overdoses and a threat from me to sign over custody to DSS, residential treatment paid for by the county. She ended up in a wonderful therapeutic day school after Residential Treatment Center (RTC), it was a dream placement for her specific issues. She was almost caught up and was going to graduate on time. Then, she made friends with a spoiled rich girl at the school, started breaking rules all over again, got into more drinking and drug experimenting, turned 18, and promptly dropped out - 4 months before graduation. To say I was crushed was an understatement. I felt like all that work to "save" her was for nothing. However, I had to accept that this was HER choice - not mine. It wasn't a reflection on my work to "save her," but on her lack of drive or effort to do any work to save herself. I did the "get a job or leave" rule. I gave her 3 months. She knew I meant it ... I was prepared to literally change the locks and drop her off somewhere, I'd had it. Before the end of 3 months, she had a job (grocery store clerk, they never checked whether or not she had graduated from HS). She enrolled in a community college work/study program to get her GED, but then got pregnant and dropped out of that. Again, I was crushed. All bets were off. I let her stay with me as long as she applied for services, which she did - and moved out when my grandson was 18 months old. Lots has happened since then, too much to write here .. it wasn't easy and there were many, many bumps. Having a baby stopped her drinking and drugging, but she made many other poor decisions for a long time. She moved in and out of my house after a pretty severe crisis. But the bottom line is, she got her GED eventually years later (after a second baby - oy that was a rougher time), although she was able to find minimum wage work even without it (no one ever seems to check high school records - she would simply put her high school name and the dates attended, and ignore the "graduated" box). She definitely regrets dropping out, but she made her way anyway. Now, at 27 years old, she is definitely a productive member of society -- heck she's downright responsible (even if I don't always agree with how she does it, she does it). She told me recently,"don't worry about me, I'm taking care of everything just fine," and she MEANT it. Wow! When I look back, I see very clearly that the more I refused to help, the more boundaries I put in place, the more independent she became. It wasn't always easy (specially with grandkids involved), but it WORKED. 100%. Best advice I can give you is: don't work harder than she does to get her what she wants. Let HER worry about her future. Let her OWN her decisions. If you step back and let her, she'll figure out very quickly that you don't get far in life without hard work. Be an example to her of that. [/QUOTE]
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