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a train wreck already
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<blockquote data-quote="JMom" data-source="post: 745074" data-attributes="member: 19892"><p>Acacia,</p><p> Hi honey, so sorry-you are really going through it. I remember feeling the way you do right now about 5 years ago with my son. He entered rehab and it was time for the sober living house decisions. It seemed like the world was on my shoulders. Same dynamic with my son's step dad, I was in the middle. (also answering to the ex-husband putting me in the middle). I remember a group session at rehab where they told me in front of everyone "it's not about you" when I was venting frustration.</p><p></p><p>I caused a bit of a scene. I said "oh really?" How is it not about me? It kinda is. My life is upside down, I'm in the middle, I've lost 15 pounds (weighing in at 100 lbs at 43 years old) and my son is in a safe place with counselors telling me basically to get over all the hurt, frustration, destruction in 2 weeks, that took my son 6 years to damage.!? All of this to say-we get lost in the chaos. We are told to sit down, shut up, cut them off, show tough love, be strong and take care of ourselves- yet no one says how. Oh yes and work two jobs to pay for rehab and try to function at work. </p><p></p><p>Here is the secret...ready? The taking care of yourself can look like this: (just suggestions, not an expert by any means).</p><p></p><p>1) Talk to your husband very frankly. Some variation of-Short and sweet "I love you, this has been a long journey, that I suspect it could last until his (son) last days. I am his mom and am learning how to take care of our marriage and manage to be his mom in a healthy way. I do not have all the answers and will not handle everything in your way, but I need us to be 100% on the same team. Let's take a moment and brainstorm ways to get through this TOGETHER. </p><p></p><p>2) Read a book. I know this sounds crazy but for a few moments a day you get to "go somewhere else" without leaving your home. It takes your mind off of the worry wagon.</p><p></p><p>3) I have a journal beside my bed titled you can't make this sh%t up.When something happens I write it down. I can sleep on it and look at it the next day minus the immediate stress. A friend of mine from high school called for advice with her addicted daughter. We traded you cant make this up stories. It sounds crazy but we found some sliver of comfort in that we were not in it alone.</p><p></p><p>4) Talk frankly to your sons. Tell them what you want to say, then tell both of them that you need to take care of yourself and will reach back out in a week. Then take the week off. (not from work, just from worry). I promise everything will be just as you left it with the exception of you rushing around in the mind. Tell them not to text, call, email, write, show up, etc...Let them all know they will need to find another scapegoat, punching bag for the week. (I use sarcasm- not to be disrespectful-it's my defense mech.)</p><p></p><p>5) Go get coffee, ice cream, whatever your vice is, with your husband. Don't talk, just eat/drink something delicious, guilt free.</p><p></p><p>6) Lastly, in every situation-stop and think -Is this something someone can do for themselves? If the answer is yes then do NOTHING. You don't have to do a damn thing. If the car is out front, let it sit out front. If the husband is mad, let him be mad. If college son is silent, let him be silent. This is the hardest part. To take everything off your back and set it down like a dirty tissue. Dust yourself back off and try to enjoy your life. </p><p></p><p>Acacia, I feel like you love your family very much. I can feel your frustration in your post. You wouldn't be upset if you didn't love them all so much. We are all behind you, lifting you up in good thoughts, cheering you on. Please take care of yourself in the midst of this mess.</p><p></p><p>Hugs!</p><p></p><p>JMOM</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JMom, post: 745074, member: 19892"] Acacia, Hi honey, so sorry-you are really going through it. I remember feeling the way you do right now about 5 years ago with my son. He entered rehab and it was time for the sober living house decisions. It seemed like the world was on my shoulders. Same dynamic with my son's step dad, I was in the middle. (also answering to the ex-husband putting me in the middle). I remember a group session at rehab where they told me in front of everyone "it's not about you" when I was venting frustration. I caused a bit of a scene. I said "oh really?" How is it not about me? It kinda is. My life is upside down, I'm in the middle, I've lost 15 pounds (weighing in at 100 lbs at 43 years old) and my son is in a safe place with counselors telling me basically to get over all the hurt, frustration, destruction in 2 weeks, that took my son 6 years to damage.!? All of this to say-we get lost in the chaos. We are told to sit down, shut up, cut them off, show tough love, be strong and take care of ourselves- yet no one says how. Oh yes and work two jobs to pay for rehab and try to function at work. Here is the secret...ready? The taking care of yourself can look like this: (just suggestions, not an expert by any means). 1) Talk to your husband very frankly. Some variation of-Short and sweet "I love you, this has been a long journey, that I suspect it could last until his (son) last days. I am his mom and am learning how to take care of our marriage and manage to be his mom in a healthy way. I do not have all the answers and will not handle everything in your way, but I need us to be 100% on the same team. Let's take a moment and brainstorm ways to get through this TOGETHER. 2) Read a book. I know this sounds crazy but for a few moments a day you get to "go somewhere else" without leaving your home. It takes your mind off of the worry wagon. 3) I have a journal beside my bed titled you can't make this sh%t up.When something happens I write it down. I can sleep on it and look at it the next day minus the immediate stress. A friend of mine from high school called for advice with her addicted daughter. We traded you cant make this up stories. It sounds crazy but we found some sliver of comfort in that we were not in it alone. 4) Talk frankly to your sons. Tell them what you want to say, then tell both of them that you need to take care of yourself and will reach back out in a week. Then take the week off. (not from work, just from worry). I promise everything will be just as you left it with the exception of you rushing around in the mind. Tell them not to text, call, email, write, show up, etc...Let them all know they will need to find another scapegoat, punching bag for the week. (I use sarcasm- not to be disrespectful-it's my defense mech.) 5) Go get coffee, ice cream, whatever your vice is, with your husband. Don't talk, just eat/drink something delicious, guilt free. 6) Lastly, in every situation-stop and think -Is this something someone can do for themselves? If the answer is yes then do NOTHING. You don't have to do a damn thing. If the car is out front, let it sit out front. If the husband is mad, let him be mad. If college son is silent, let him be silent. This is the hardest part. To take everything off your back and set it down like a dirty tissue. Dust yourself back off and try to enjoy your life. Acacia, I feel like you love your family very much. I can feel your frustration in your post. You wouldn't be upset if you didn't love them all so much. We are all behind you, lifting you up in good thoughts, cheering you on. Please take care of yourself in the midst of this mess. Hugs! JMOM [/QUOTE]
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