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a train wreck already
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 745133" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>I'm so sorry for the stress and chaos you have been dealing with.</p><p></p><p>The only way I found to deal with the chaos from my son is to have very strict boundaries. My situation is the same but opposite of you. My husband who is the step dad is more willing to give in than myself.</p><p></p><p>It's not easy when you and your spouse don't quite see eye to eye on how to handle the chaos and drama that an out of control difficult child can bring into our lives.</p><p>I have only the one child, my son who will be 37 this month. He is currently living in a half way house and will be paroled from that sometime next month. While he's been living there he has been maintaining because if he does not follow all the rules, he will have to finish out his sentence in prison. I do not hold out much hope for it to continue once he has been paroled. I pray that I'm wrong but I imagine before too long he will be back to living a homeless, drug/alcohol filled life. </p><p></p><p>As I said, my husband is more willing to give in than I am and when I say give in, what that equates to is giving him money. I learned a long time ago that money will never solve my son's problems. I also made a choice a long time ago to not allow my son to come between me and my husband. There are some times that my husband and I don't see eye to eye but we discuss it. We each have to be willing to see things from the other person's perspective. It's not always easy, but having some very clear and defined boundaries is key.</p><p></p><p>My suggestion to you is this, you and your husband both write down your list of boundaries where your son is concerned. Make 2 columns - one what is acceptable and one what is not acceptable. Once you both have your lists sit down and compare. You may have some things line up evenly and you may have some things that don't. You will need to discuss what doesn't line up and work on a compromise. </p><p>When you have a list of boundaries written out that you both agree to, it will make moving forward much easier. </p><p></p><p>Remember, enabling is not helping. When we enable our adult children we are not allowing them to learn from life's natural consequences.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 745133, member: 18516"] I'm so sorry for the stress and chaos you have been dealing with. The only way I found to deal with the chaos from my son is to have very strict boundaries. My situation is the same but opposite of you. My husband who is the step dad is more willing to give in than myself. It's not easy when you and your spouse don't quite see eye to eye on how to handle the chaos and drama that an out of control difficult child can bring into our lives. I have only the one child, my son who will be 37 this month. He is currently living in a half way house and will be paroled from that sometime next month. While he's been living there he has been maintaining because if he does not follow all the rules, he will have to finish out his sentence in prison. I do not hold out much hope for it to continue once he has been paroled. I pray that I'm wrong but I imagine before too long he will be back to living a homeless, drug/alcohol filled life. As I said, my husband is more willing to give in than I am and when I say give in, what that equates to is giving him money. I learned a long time ago that money will never solve my son's problems. I also made a choice a long time ago to not allow my son to come between me and my husband. There are some times that my husband and I don't see eye to eye but we discuss it. We each have to be willing to see things from the other person's perspective. It's not always easy, but having some very clear and defined boundaries is key. My suggestion to you is this, you and your husband both write down your list of boundaries where your son is concerned. Make 2 columns - one what is acceptable and one what is not acceptable. Once you both have your lists sit down and compare. You may have some things line up evenly and you may have some things that don't. You will need to discuss what doesn't line up and work on a compromise. When you have a list of boundaries written out that you both agree to, it will make moving forward much easier. Remember, enabling is not helping. When we enable our adult children we are not allowing them to learn from life's natural consequences. [/QUOTE]
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