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A very bad day
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748296" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I have no wisdom. But I have this: I am you and you are me. While I am gratified (selfishly) to not be alone with this, I would not wish this on anybody else.I have been a highly successful person. And now I believe that was a shell. That the real me was this empty soul, except for my yearning.</p><p> I know that AA, if I keep going all of the time, will help me understand and to fill the void with something other than "self."</p><p>I believe that I will never be the same as I was before. Which was operating as competent and fearless and whole. I feel a great loss for that persona but at the same time gratitude that I am coming to know and experience the real person who I am who is anything but competent, fearless and whole.</p><p></p><p>Rather, sometimes, I feel lost and alone and helpless, and I want to escape from this feeling in any way that I can.</p><p> This is a tough one. I am seeing that I cannot depend upon ANYTHING or ANYONE outside of myself to give me the feeling of security that I require. Only a higher power (and a true relationship with myself, through a higher power.)</p><p></p><p>There is an old saying "like a bat out of Hell" that comes to mind.</p><p></p><p>In my case the primary trigger was the death of my mother. I had no idea that deciding to take care of her until she died, and her death, would undo everything in my life, turn my life and me with it upside down until I smashed into pieces.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, this is a reality of life. Anything can come at us and upend the security we feel. The security we feel that is based upon other people or things is false security. Anybody can leave. Anything can be lost. Life itself is ephemeral. </p><p>I have been thinking like this, too. I am living alone now. I do not believe I could bear fostering babies, because I would lose them. But I have thought of teens. Or even exchange students.</p><p></p><p>I understand in such a deep way how you feel. I believe truly that the 12 step groups will help. I am going every single day. If I had time I would go twice a day! I also believe that there are people such as us who need to have people to love as a way of feeling that we are loved. For us, to love is to be.</p><p></p><p>On Friday I told my son's best friend, "tell him when you see him (my son) that I am through with him." He had dropped out of site after saying he would soon come home. After several days of not hearing I called and called, and texted and texted. And what? He just did not bother to respond. What kind of person does this? What kind of love is this?</p><p></p><p>There are people that want and need my love and care. My son will be better served by learning what it is when you are alone. It fills me with pain to write this, but I feel this now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748296, member: 18958"] I have no wisdom. But I have this: I am you and you are me. While I am gratified (selfishly) to not be alone with this, I would not wish this on anybody else.I have been a highly successful person. And now I believe that was a shell. That the real me was this empty soul, except for my yearning. I know that AA, if I keep going all of the time, will help me understand and to fill the void with something other than "self." I believe that I will never be the same as I was before. Which was operating as competent and fearless and whole. I feel a great loss for that persona but at the same time gratitude that I am coming to know and experience the real person who I am who is anything but competent, fearless and whole. Rather, sometimes, I feel lost and alone and helpless, and I want to escape from this feeling in any way that I can. This is a tough one. I am seeing that I cannot depend upon ANYTHING or ANYONE outside of myself to give me the feeling of security that I require. Only a higher power (and a true relationship with myself, through a higher power.) There is an old saying "like a bat out of Hell" that comes to mind. In my case the primary trigger was the death of my mother. I had no idea that deciding to take care of her until she died, and her death, would undo everything in my life, turn my life and me with it upside down until I smashed into pieces. The thing is, this is a reality of life. Anything can come at us and upend the security we feel. The security we feel that is based upon other people or things is false security. Anybody can leave. Anything can be lost. Life itself is ephemeral. I have been thinking like this, too. I am living alone now. I do not believe I could bear fostering babies, because I would lose them. But I have thought of teens. Or even exchange students. I understand in such a deep way how you feel. I believe truly that the 12 step groups will help. I am going every single day. If I had time I would go twice a day! I also believe that there are people such as us who need to have people to love as a way of feeling that we are loved. For us, to love is to be. On Friday I told my son's best friend, "tell him when you see him (my son) that I am through with him." He had dropped out of site after saying he would soon come home. After several days of not hearing I called and called, and texted and texted. And what? He just did not bother to respond. What kind of person does this? What kind of love is this? There are people that want and need my love and care. My son will be better served by learning what it is when you are alone. It fills me with pain to write this, but I feel this now. [/QUOTE]
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