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Substance Abuse
A View From The Other Side (Fairly Long)
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 687604" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Thank you, Darkwing. This is an important distinction to make. Not only in the naming "drug addict" implies, but in the raising of a man, capable of facing the world, and the pain in it, as a man.</p><p></p><p>I raised a man.</p><p></p><p>I did do that, didn't I. I am forever forgetting that he is a man, now.</p><p></p><p>It still breaks my heart a little to think about it, though. I think we haven't seen him again, except once for about six months, since he was 16. I mean, we've seen him physically of course, but he was...edgy.</p><p></p><p>OK. I meant enraged and demanding and just person who looked like my son but was dirty. </p><p></p><p>And his sense of humor was flat out disgusting.</p><p></p><p>He was always very good with and to his dogs, though.</p><p></p><p>Rottweilers. Two of them. Who are really smart, big babies, once you get to know them. That is why he never went homeless, probably. Once we wouldn't let him come home anymore, I mean. He had to provide for his dogs. And he did.</p><p></p><p>They lived in a tent once though.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Maybe our son adores us, too. That would be so nice.</p><p></p><p>Our daughter thinks we are good people. But while there was some drug use for her, her path has been very different.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>To know that my son isn't gone.</p><p></p><p>You came back, didn't you. You are fighting a hard battle, but here you are, helping us understand.</p><p></p><p>It would be such a happy thing, if I were to see my real son again. He is doing well now actually I think, Darkwing. He is 40. He has two children. Something like two years ago, he did some xanax bars or some kind of xanax in chocolate or something, and rum ~ lots of rum ~ and drove to WalMart for more rum. And ran his truck into a pole or something. And woke up in the psychiatric ward. And we didn't help. Not with an attorney or saying we would take the kids or anything. And somehow he got through that, but he had to submit to drug testing for a long time. He might still be having to do that. But in that two years, he has changed. There was a time when he was so ~ what you described happens when you know you are not using, but you can't care about anything. Then, one time, he told me that for the longest time, he'd blamed us for everything. That didn't work. Then, he blamed his sister's problems for everything. And that didn't work. Then he blamed his S.O. At the point he was talking to me that day, he said there was only one person left to blame and that was him, but that wasn't working,either.</p><p></p><p>And that was all he had to say about that.</p><p></p><p>But his life began to change. In little ways, the things we heard about were changing. He doesn't get ragingly angry anymore. I am still always afraid of that. But maybe not so much now, having read your posts. </p><p></p><p>Maybe, that wasn't really who he is.</p><p></p><p>I remember what you posted about forgiveness, and about not letting our people walk all over us.</p><p></p><p>In any event, he has been making a concerted effort to find mentors. People he admires, who have businesses. And he wants to know how they did that. And they seem willing to teach him. And I just keep saying to him the words I've learned here on the site. So maybe you are right, about drug use changing everything.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, those are the kinds of things he talks about now. And you are right. He hasn't screamed at me for the longest time. Now that I think about it. I am trying to think whether he still calls me by my first name. Instead of Mom. Because I don't deserve it. And neither does D H deserve to be called "Dad". Which was small comfort. Because it would have been worse if he'd only hated me. Which isn't very nice to say, but there I said it. </p><p></p><p>It's a little like waiting for the other shoe to fall.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, I will stop doing that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I keep thinking about your post. (All of them, really.) But this one in particular. </p><p></p><p><em>To know that your son isn't gone, and that it isn't your fault. That you are not a failure as a parent.</em></p><p></p><p>Tasting those words is...that would be life changing. For me and for D H. </p><p></p><p>Thank you for your honesty, and for posting to us as you have. I have lived most of my life believing I had failed, bigtime. And there wasn't even a question that of course it was my fault. You know what it is. It's that you touch on exactly the things no therapist could tell me. They could not tell me why he hated me. </p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>You have made a difference, whatever comes next. It will make a difference for my kids, too. If I am not dead certain I went wrong somewhere in raising them, then I can stop trying to ~ whatever I was doing. I can find compassion, not just forgiveness. And compassion is a very different, and more important thing, than forgiveness.</p><p></p><p>Compassion for us all.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I was just reading these highlights from your post to my husband. He said: You should write a book.</p><p></p><p>Actually Darkwing, I think you should, too. Just those words about my son not being gone. Just those words about what it is our kids see and feel and that they love us ~ wow, that matters.</p><p></p><p>I think we could be stronger parents, and not become so broken or ashamed over the long years, if we knew those things from someone who'd lived it.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My sincere thanks, Darkwing.</p><p></p><p>Write that book, okay?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 687604, member: 17461"] Thank you, Darkwing. This is an important distinction to make. Not only in the naming "drug addict" implies, but in the raising of a man, capable of facing the world, and the pain in it, as a man. I raised a man. I did do that, didn't I. I am forever forgetting that he is a man, now. It still breaks my heart a little to think about it, though. I think we haven't seen him again, except once for about six months, since he was 16. I mean, we've seen him physically of course, but he was...edgy. OK. I meant enraged and demanding and just person who looked like my son but was dirty. And his sense of humor was flat out disgusting. He was always very good with and to his dogs, though. Rottweilers. Two of them. Who are really smart, big babies, once you get to know them. That is why he never went homeless, probably. Once we wouldn't let him come home anymore, I mean. He had to provide for his dogs. And he did. They lived in a tent once though. Maybe our son adores us, too. That would be so nice. Our daughter thinks we are good people. But while there was some drug use for her, her path has been very different. To know that my son isn't gone. You came back, didn't you. You are fighting a hard battle, but here you are, helping us understand. It would be such a happy thing, if I were to see my real son again. He is doing well now actually I think, Darkwing. He is 40. He has two children. Something like two years ago, he did some xanax bars or some kind of xanax in chocolate or something, and rum ~ lots of rum ~ and drove to WalMart for more rum. And ran his truck into a pole or something. And woke up in the psychiatric ward. And we didn't help. Not with an attorney or saying we would take the kids or anything. And somehow he got through that, but he had to submit to drug testing for a long time. He might still be having to do that. But in that two years, he has changed. There was a time when he was so ~ what you described happens when you know you are not using, but you can't care about anything. Then, one time, he told me that for the longest time, he'd blamed us for everything. That didn't work. Then, he blamed his sister's problems for everything. And that didn't work. Then he blamed his S.O. At the point he was talking to me that day, he said there was only one person left to blame and that was him, but that wasn't working,either. And that was all he had to say about that. But his life began to change. In little ways, the things we heard about were changing. He doesn't get ragingly angry anymore. I am still always afraid of that. But maybe not so much now, having read your posts. Maybe, that wasn't really who he is. I remember what you posted about forgiveness, and about not letting our people walk all over us. In any event, he has been making a concerted effort to find mentors. People he admires, who have businesses. And he wants to know how they did that. And they seem willing to teach him. And I just keep saying to him the words I've learned here on the site. So maybe you are right, about drug use changing everything. Anyway, those are the kinds of things he talks about now. And you are right. He hasn't screamed at me for the longest time. Now that I think about it. I am trying to think whether he still calls me by my first name. Instead of Mom. Because I don't deserve it. And neither does D H deserve to be called "Dad". Which was small comfort. Because it would have been worse if he'd only hated me. Which isn't very nice to say, but there I said it. It's a little like waiting for the other shoe to fall. Maybe, I will stop doing that. I keep thinking about your post. (All of them, really.) But this one in particular. [I]To know that your son isn't gone, and that it isn't your fault. That you are not a failure as a parent.[/I] Tasting those words is...that would be life changing. For me and for D H. Thank you for your honesty, and for posting to us as you have. I have lived most of my life believing I had failed, bigtime. And there wasn't even a question that of course it was my fault. You know what it is. It's that you touch on exactly the things no therapist could tell me. They could not tell me why he hated me. Thank you. You have made a difference, whatever comes next. It will make a difference for my kids, too. If I am not dead certain I went wrong somewhere in raising them, then I can stop trying to ~ whatever I was doing. I can find compassion, not just forgiveness. And compassion is a very different, and more important thing, than forgiveness. Compassion for us all. *** I was just reading these highlights from your post to my husband. He said: You should write a book. Actually Darkwing, I think you should, too. Just those words about my son not being gone. Just those words about what it is our kids see and feel and that they love us ~ wow, that matters. I think we could be stronger parents, and not become so broken or ashamed over the long years, if we knew those things from someone who'd lived it. Cedar My sincere thanks, Darkwing. Write that book, okay? [/QUOTE]
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