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Substance Abuse
A View From The Other Side (Fairly Long)
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<blockquote data-quote="DarkwingPsyduck" data-source="post: 687617" data-attributes="member: 20267"><p>Well, I think a lot of his anger is with himself. And that you just happened to be closest at the time, so you took the brunt of it. I know I was never angry with anybody else, but I hated myself. I mean, I really hated myself. I hated myself as deeply as you could hate anybody for any reason. I was repulsive. Disgusting. I actually avoided mirrors. They just set me off. I still do, for the most part. It has nothing to do with my physical appearance, either. When I looked at my reflection, it would force me to reflect on myself, and it was too painful to do. I didn't vent on my aunt or uncle, but I vented plenty on everybody else. My girlfriend at the time, my friends (the ones who's parents took me in and fed me after my mom died), and my sister. I wanted so badly to be justified in my <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />, even though I knew I wasn't. I tried very hard to convince myself that I was just a victim, and free from accountability.</p><p></p><p>It did not work. Once I was able to understand what my aunt must have felt, I finally loathed myself enough to do something. It was easier to continue my <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> when I couldn't comprehend the depth of the pain I was causing. I didn't get clean for myself, and that is something most people would warn against. As would I, for the most part. Ideally, the change should be for your own benefit, not the benefit of others. The idea being that, if you do it for others, you have no reason to continue sobriety if something were to happen with that relationship. But I flat out hated myself, and couldn't do it for myself. The only thing I really cared about was my aunt, my uncle, and my sister's kids. So I had to do it for them. At some point down the line, I gradually stopped thinking so poorly of myself, and that has certainly helped my cause. While I still feel ashamed and embarrassed by my actions, knowing that my aunt's life is slightly less difficult now provides some comfort. Some relief. Some grounds to start moving on. I am still working at it. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself, or even that I deserve to. It hurt that my aunt just forgave me. I didn't deserve forgiveness, least of all from her. </p><p></p><p>Not knowing a whole lot about your son, I would be willing to bet that these are sentiments he probably understands pretty well. From the outside, people must have thought that I was just a piece of <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />, and that I didn't care about my aunt or uncle at all. That is exactly what it looked like. But that isn't the case, obviously. So don't give up hope, and it isn't like you can just not love him, or care about him. I hope that you will someday get the opportunity to express yourself to him properly, and honestly. I think it'd be a great benefit to you, and him. You are developing a stronger understanding of things from his perspective, and he should try to understand your perspective. You are good people. You all are. As I said, I know bad parents when I see them. I am an expert on the matter. Bad parents don't care. That is what makes them bad. When parents really do not care, it shows in their actions. Neglect is a cause of not caring. Abuse is a result of not caring. As is neglect. But you CLEARLY care immensely. Enough to come here for support, and guidance.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DarkwingPsyduck, post: 687617, member: 20267"] Well, I think a lot of his anger is with himself. And that you just happened to be closest at the time, so you took the brunt of it. I know I was never angry with anybody else, but I hated myself. I mean, I really hated myself. I hated myself as deeply as you could hate anybody for any reason. I was repulsive. Disgusting. I actually avoided mirrors. They just set me off. I still do, for the most part. It has nothing to do with my physical appearance, either. When I looked at my reflection, it would force me to reflect on myself, and it was too painful to do. I didn't vent on my aunt or uncle, but I vented plenty on everybody else. My girlfriend at the time, my friends (the ones who's parents took me in and fed me after my mom died), and my sister. I wanted so badly to be justified in my :censored2:, even though I knew I wasn't. I tried very hard to convince myself that I was just a victim, and free from accountability. It did not work. Once I was able to understand what my aunt must have felt, I finally loathed myself enough to do something. It was easier to continue my :censored2: when I couldn't comprehend the depth of the pain I was causing. I didn't get clean for myself, and that is something most people would warn against. As would I, for the most part. Ideally, the change should be for your own benefit, not the benefit of others. The idea being that, if you do it for others, you have no reason to continue sobriety if something were to happen with that relationship. But I flat out hated myself, and couldn't do it for myself. The only thing I really cared about was my aunt, my uncle, and my sister's kids. So I had to do it for them. At some point down the line, I gradually stopped thinking so poorly of myself, and that has certainly helped my cause. While I still feel ashamed and embarrassed by my actions, knowing that my aunt's life is slightly less difficult now provides some comfort. Some relief. Some grounds to start moving on. I am still working at it. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself, or even that I deserve to. It hurt that my aunt just forgave me. I didn't deserve forgiveness, least of all from her. Not knowing a whole lot about your son, I would be willing to bet that these are sentiments he probably understands pretty well. From the outside, people must have thought that I was just a piece of :censored2:, and that I didn't care about my aunt or uncle at all. That is exactly what it looked like. But that isn't the case, obviously. So don't give up hope, and it isn't like you can just not love him, or care about him. I hope that you will someday get the opportunity to express yourself to him properly, and honestly. I think it'd be a great benefit to you, and him. You are developing a stronger understanding of things from his perspective, and he should try to understand your perspective. You are good people. You all are. As I said, I know bad parents when I see them. I am an expert on the matter. Bad parents don't care. That is what makes them bad. When parents really do not care, it shows in their actions. Neglect is a cause of not caring. Abuse is a result of not caring. As is neglect. But you CLEARLY care immensely. Enough to come here for support, and guidance. [/QUOTE]
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