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Substance Abuse
A View From The Other Side (Fairly Long)
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 687711" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I'm so sorry, Darkwing. </p><p></p><p>I am glad you have your people that you love and respect around you now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am afraid of anger. It pops me into that FOG place. Where I have to intellectualize everything. If I were going to admit it. Which I am only thinking about doing, this morning. </p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>My fallback position is to try not to hurt anyone. Like maybe, we could just sweep all this under the rug.</p><p></p><p>With the elephant.</p><p></p><p>:O) </p><p></p><p>But under everything, that is disrespectful, on my part, of what is real here.</p><p></p><p>To just take whatever, and pretend that is enough is wrong, too. I should be fighting for the relationship I want. And let the chips fall where they may. </p><p></p><p>Geez, I hate being shunned.</p><p></p><p>But lying to people isn't right, either. Which is sort of what I am doing. Pretending I am strong and that my own son saying awful things to and about me doesn't bother me when it freaking does. </p><p></p><p>Now that I am having a look at it, I mean. </p><p></p><p>I have a very hard time with knowing what to do about anger. Mine, or anyone else's. But to acknowledge that fear, and not step up to the plate regarding these things is wrong, too. In secret, I am very angry with him, as well. Which makes me think bad things about him, and about what kind of man he is.</p><p></p><p>In secret.</p><p></p><p>So...I'm lying. Instead of standing up.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>"<em>the opportunity to express yourself to him properly, and honestly."</em></p><p></p><p>So, I have to think about this now. </p><p></p><p>You are right. This is not the past. I can hear what he has to say and let that be what he believes without believing it myself. And why he believes whatever he believes is none of my business. It's like I have been untouchable. How irritating. So really, it is a question of honesty. Mine. And of my own anger, and of being afraid of that, too.</p><p></p><p>Fear, again.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Darkwing. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 687711, member: 17461"] I'm so sorry, Darkwing. I am glad you have your people that you love and respect around you now. I am afraid of anger. It pops me into that FOG place. Where I have to intellectualize everything. If I were going to admit it. Which I am only thinking about doing, this morning. *** My fallback position is to try not to hurt anyone. Like maybe, we could just sweep all this under the rug. With the elephant. :O) But under everything, that is disrespectful, on my part, of what is real here. To just take whatever, and pretend that is enough is wrong, too. I should be fighting for the relationship I want. And let the chips fall where they may. Geez, I hate being shunned. But lying to people isn't right, either. Which is sort of what I am doing. Pretending I am strong and that my own son saying awful things to and about me doesn't bother me when it freaking does. Now that I am having a look at it, I mean. I have a very hard time with knowing what to do about anger. Mine, or anyone else's. But to acknowledge that fear, and not step up to the plate regarding these things is wrong, too. In secret, I am very angry with him, as well. Which makes me think bad things about him, and about what kind of man he is. In secret. So...I'm lying. Instead of standing up. Huh. "[I]the opportunity to express yourself to him properly, and honestly."[/I] So, I have to think about this now. You are right. This is not the past. I can hear what he has to say and let that be what he believes without believing it myself. And why he believes whatever he believes is none of my business. It's like I have been untouchable. How irritating. So really, it is a question of honesty. Mine. And of my own anger, and of being afraid of that, too. Fear, again. Thank you, Darkwing. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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