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Abandonment issues
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 743850" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>It was a shock to the family of my friend's birthmom when she was called by my friend. Nobody knew about her, not even her husband. That was in the day when all adoptions were sealed tightly. The first thing her birthmother said was "I knew you would come one day! I knew it!" She lived ten minutes from where my friend had grown up.</p><p></p><p>Her birthmother was both shocked and happy and terrified at first. The oldest daughter she had with her husband was not happy to find out she was NOT the first and oldest. The other two siblings, a son and younger daughter, were welcoming from the beginning. The relationship between my friend and her birthmother was on and off at first because of guilt of birthmother, anger, resentment, love, newness etc.</p><p></p><p>It was her husband who was the peacemaker and technically he was not related to her,but he took on a strong grandpa role and mediated and when he died her kids were devestated that Grandpa was gone. In time this family came to depend on my friend as she was very strong and both families leaned on that. She is close to her birth siblings, less so to the older one, but their kids call her Aunt. She spends holidays with both families. There is a lot of love.</p><p></p><p>She was included equally in the family will and they had means.</p><p></p><p>But This could have gone bad. But my friend at 37 was going to meet her birth family and had been in therapy a long time in preparation. She was ready for any response. There was no stopping her.</p><p></p><p>She didnt tell her parents she was searching until afterward. A lot of the searching was so that her three beloved kids had a clear identity and full medical history. But she herself was so curious as a person...she had to know and was going to know.</p><p></p><p>About the birthfather: Her birth father had passed away and the father's family was not friendly to her at all. She had been the only child he had ever conceived. She got some pictures from his brother but did not keep in touch. She had been most interested in her birthmother anyway.</p><p></p><p>Not all stories are happy like on TV. I think after the first meeting other stuff can surface. This brief story I told that sounds so perfect was not so wonderful at first. I did not get into the highs and lows of the first year or so. It was good then not so good. My friend called me crying a lot. It was very emotional.</p><p></p><p>In this case it ended nice for everyone and my friend's daughter had a baby girl two years ago and named the baby after the birth grandmother.</p><p></p><p>The parents are all passed now.</p><p></p><p>I think the fear of abandonment with adopted kids is from the adoption and so did my psychologist. That first abandonment, according to him, makes them fear anyone may leave them. Many think "If my mother can give me away NOBODY will love me!" But I do not see my adopted kids as insecure of who they are, not even Sonic. And Jumper is plain a strong, stable person. Princess is less secure but not of her ability to care for herself or fight for her child. And she has a strong identity. They dont need me to define them.</p><p></p><p>Bart, my birth child, is more insecure in many ways than my adopted kids. Its not supposed to be this way....but psychology is not perfected yet! He seems more afraid of being abandoned too(not by me, but, say, girlfriends) than any of my adopted kids. I think if people worry about abandonment they worry about that from all people, not specifically us. I would think more spouses and girlfriends at their ages.</p><p> </p><p> I dont know if what my psychologist told me about the first abandonment is right. To me psychology is not science at all...not yet. It is to me just theory and man made conclusions that cant be proven. Psychology keeps changing as nothing is provable.We arent there yet as far as the mind goes. We dont know what makes us tick. Or why. Even academic papers are opinion/theory until it can be proven by a difinitive testing. In a lab. In the brainwaves. On an xray. Otherwise it is a guess.</p><p></p><p> I agree that sometimes raising kids is hard. Bart was really a hard child. I mean HARD. Princess was hard in high school. Sonic was relatively good natured, compliant and easy. He tried very hard. I dont remember Jumper ever doing anything wrong....easiest child ever. Princess is 12 years older and she remembers how easy and fun Jumper was too. Her joke is "Why cant my daughter be as easy as Jumper was?" My Grand is a sweet little imp. Not easy <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite7" alt=":p" title="Stick Out Tongue :p" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":p" /></p><p></p><p>Love and light!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 743850, member: 1550"] It was a shock to the family of my friend's birthmom when she was called by my friend. Nobody knew about her, not even her husband. That was in the day when all adoptions were sealed tightly. The first thing her birthmother said was "I knew you would come one day! I knew it!" She lived ten minutes from where my friend had grown up. Her birthmother was both shocked and happy and terrified at first. The oldest daughter she had with her husband was not happy to find out she was NOT the first and oldest. The other two siblings, a son and younger daughter, were welcoming from the beginning. The relationship between my friend and her birthmother was on and off at first because of guilt of birthmother, anger, resentment, love, newness etc. It was her husband who was the peacemaker and technically he was not related to her,but he took on a strong grandpa role and mediated and when he died her kids were devestated that Grandpa was gone. In time this family came to depend on my friend as she was very strong and both families leaned on that. She is close to her birth siblings, less so to the older one, but their kids call her Aunt. She spends holidays with both families. There is a lot of love. She was included equally in the family will and they had means. But This could have gone bad. But my friend at 37 was going to meet her birth family and had been in therapy a long time in preparation. She was ready for any response. There was no stopping her. She didnt tell her parents she was searching until afterward. A lot of the searching was so that her three beloved kids had a clear identity and full medical history. But she herself was so curious as a person...she had to know and was going to know. About the birthfather: Her birth father had passed away and the father's family was not friendly to her at all. She had been the only child he had ever conceived. She got some pictures from his brother but did not keep in touch. She had been most interested in her birthmother anyway. Not all stories are happy like on TV. I think after the first meeting other stuff can surface. This brief story I told that sounds so perfect was not so wonderful at first. I did not get into the highs and lows of the first year or so. It was good then not so good. My friend called me crying a lot. It was very emotional. In this case it ended nice for everyone and my friend's daughter had a baby girl two years ago and named the baby after the birth grandmother. The parents are all passed now. I think the fear of abandonment with adopted kids is from the adoption and so did my psychologist. That first abandonment, according to him, makes them fear anyone may leave them. Many think "If my mother can give me away NOBODY will love me!" But I do not see my adopted kids as insecure of who they are, not even Sonic. And Jumper is plain a strong, stable person. Princess is less secure but not of her ability to care for herself or fight for her child. And she has a strong identity. They dont need me to define them. Bart, my birth child, is more insecure in many ways than my adopted kids. Its not supposed to be this way....but psychology is not perfected yet! He seems more afraid of being abandoned too(not by me, but, say, girlfriends) than any of my adopted kids. I think if people worry about abandonment they worry about that from all people, not specifically us. I would think more spouses and girlfriends at their ages. I dont know if what my psychologist told me about the first abandonment is right. To me psychology is not science at all...not yet. It is to me just theory and man made conclusions that cant be proven. Psychology keeps changing as nothing is provable.We arent there yet as far as the mind goes. We dont know what makes us tick. Or why. Even academic papers are opinion/theory until it can be proven by a difinitive testing. In a lab. In the brainwaves. On an xray. Otherwise it is a guess. I agree that sometimes raising kids is hard. Bart was really a hard child. I mean HARD. Princess was hard in high school. Sonic was relatively good natured, compliant and easy. He tried very hard. I dont remember Jumper ever doing anything wrong....easiest child ever. Princess is 12 years older and she remembers how easy and fun Jumper was too. Her joke is "Why cant my daughter be as easy as Jumper was?" My Grand is a sweet little imp. Not easy :p Love and light! [/QUOTE]
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