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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 743871" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>More savvy adoptees often dont tell Mom what they are doing and just search. There is an immense adoption community with many ways to help out, even overseas adoptees. Luckily for you your boys dont know this.</p><p></p><p>My friend searched totally without her parents. She didnt tell them of her plans.But she decided to do it and was going to do it. It took about a year since she had little info.</p><p></p><p>But my friend was a caring, thoughtful person and if her birthmother had told her that being a part of her family would destroy her marriage and family she would have asked her questions then left. She had no malicious intent and always thought of other people. She wanted nothing except answers to questions that were sincerely keeping her from living a totally happy life.</p><p></p><p>It turned out that her birthmother sat her family down and told them all, but my friend would never have just shown up and declared who she was to the world. She gave it tons of thought. She let her birthmother decide how far to take it.</p><p></p><p>I met my friend when she was pregnant with her second child and I was waiting to adopt and she helped me immensely about how she felt as an adopted child. Back then we were about 25. Even then she was going to search. But she waited until she was 37.</p><p></p><p>Although she would never have broken up the family nothing was going to stop her from meeting the woman who had all the answers to her questions. She felt she was owed at least that.</p><p></p><p>The first time she saw her birthmother she said it felt so strange,as if SHE (friend) had given birth...the same connection. She said it was like falling in love with your child. That soon turned into a difficult year of adjustment.</p><p></p><p>Your sons may not be ready to meet their birthmoms and may never be thoughtful about it. And may not ever figure out how to do it. And if they have aggressive or financial reasons to want to search, I hope they dont.</p><p></p><p>It is ridiculous of them to blame you. If they want to search they can look elsewhere for ways.</p><p></p><p>Those registries dont often work. Either nobody checks them or both are too shy to make the first call. My friend spent months being afraid to call.</p><p></p><p>It is something that should require deep thought. But in the end, if they decide to search they will and they dont need you and often the parents dont know about it because the child usually feels it will hurt their parents and most dont want to. Many kids search as much for their siblings as the birthmother.</p><p></p><p>This should never be done in haste or impulsively but sometimes it is, depending on the child. Or birthmother. Sometimes SHE is the one who searches.</p><p></p><p>At any rate, you are very caring and thinking of all angles and I hope your sons pick up on that. You seem like a very bright woman who thinks of everything before doing anything. And to me, who can be a scatterbrain, that trait of yours is a precious thougjtful gift. You have much empathy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 743871, member: 1550"] More savvy adoptees often dont tell Mom what they are doing and just search. There is an immense adoption community with many ways to help out, even overseas adoptees. Luckily for you your boys dont know this. My friend searched totally without her parents. She didnt tell them of her plans.But she decided to do it and was going to do it. It took about a year since she had little info. But my friend was a caring, thoughtful person and if her birthmother had told her that being a part of her family would destroy her marriage and family she would have asked her questions then left. She had no malicious intent and always thought of other people. She wanted nothing except answers to questions that were sincerely keeping her from living a totally happy life. It turned out that her birthmother sat her family down and told them all, but my friend would never have just shown up and declared who she was to the world. She gave it tons of thought. She let her birthmother decide how far to take it. I met my friend when she was pregnant with her second child and I was waiting to adopt and she helped me immensely about how she felt as an adopted child. Back then we were about 25. Even then she was going to search. But she waited until she was 37. Although she would never have broken up the family nothing was going to stop her from meeting the woman who had all the answers to her questions. She felt she was owed at least that. The first time she saw her birthmother she said it felt so strange,as if SHE (friend) had given birth...the same connection. She said it was like falling in love with your child. That soon turned into a difficult year of adjustment. Your sons may not be ready to meet their birthmoms and may never be thoughtful about it. And may not ever figure out how to do it. And if they have aggressive or financial reasons to want to search, I hope they dont. It is ridiculous of them to blame you. If they want to search they can look elsewhere for ways. Those registries dont often work. Either nobody checks them or both are too shy to make the first call. My friend spent months being afraid to call. It is something that should require deep thought. But in the end, if they decide to search they will and they dont need you and often the parents dont know about it because the child usually feels it will hurt their parents and most dont want to. Many kids search as much for their siblings as the birthmother. This should never be done in haste or impulsively but sometimes it is, depending on the child. Or birthmother. Sometimes SHE is the one who searches. At any rate, you are very caring and thinking of all angles and I hope your sons pick up on that. You seem like a very bright woman who thinks of everything before doing anything. And to me, who can be a scatterbrain, that trait of yours is a precious thougjtful gift. You have much empathy. [/QUOTE]
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