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Adoption has changed so much. I'm scared.
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<blockquote data-quote="Nancy" data-source="post: 243656" data-attributes="member: 59"><p>MWM,</p><p></p><p>You knew I would have input <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />. I think most adoptive parents understand those feelings better than anyone. The interesting thing is that I'm not sure you would have agreed with what you had written a while back if someone else had posted it. It does point out so poignantly the depth of emotion that adoptive families go through over the years with their children, as well as the dramatic evolution in our thoughts on the matter. There are some feelings I have that I think I can only share with fellow adoptive parents lest I be judged harshly or misunderstood.</p><p></p><p>I like what everywoman said and I believe that in my heart. My difficult child wants to meet her birthmom because she feels she is a fairy godmother. It is a very immature but understandable feeling for her to have, especially because she thinks we are mean and she would be much better off with anyone but us. She recently wrote that she is afraid she loves her birthmom more than her parents. I resisted with all my heart saying something to her about that but decided I needed to allow her to feel that way even though it ripped my heart out. If everywoman is right, there will come a day when she will put that relationship in the proper perspective. My only regret is that I may not be alive when that finally happens.</p><p></p><p>A few years back I found out that I had a brother that I never knew about. My father had a child with another woman a year after I was born and two years before my sister was born. He decided after 50 some years to tell me and arranged a meeting. At first it was exciting to get to know him and his family. Very shortly afterward I began to resent the intrusion in my life. He meant nothing to me, I wasn't like him at all, I resented that he wanted to be a part of my life, and I pulled back and have no contact with him to this day. I know this isn't quite the same, but think there are some similarities to what our children go through after being reunited.</p><p></p><p>I often said that I believed adoptive parents were there to be babysitters for 18 years, raise the child, feed, cloth, educate them, care for them when they are sick, teach them right from wrong, buy them a car, pay for their college education or help them get a job, and then stand quietly by as they walk into the arms of the family who relinquished them. Our difficult child never adopted us like we adopted her. She has rejected us every step of the way, our values, our goals, our dreams. We have contacted the adoption agency to sign the paperwork needed to allow her to reunite with her birthmother. In Ohio she has to be 21 unless we give permission at age 18, so we are giving permission. She will be in no position to live on her own when she turns 18 in 4 months and will need a lot of support so I hope bm is willing and able to do that. I have prepared myself as much as I can for that final rejection but am trying to keep the door open for the day when she will realize what everywoman has said she would.</p><p></p><p>I just wanted you to know that I understand what you are feeling and the range of emotions involved. I said years back that I believed every adopted child has adoption issues and I still believe that. They have to work out those issues. I wish I had understood all of this almost 18 years ago.</p><p></p><p>Nancy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nancy, post: 243656, member: 59"] MWM, You knew I would have input :). I think most adoptive parents understand those feelings better than anyone. The interesting thing is that I'm not sure you would have agreed with what you had written a while back if someone else had posted it. It does point out so poignantly the depth of emotion that adoptive families go through over the years with their children, as well as the dramatic evolution in our thoughts on the matter. There are some feelings I have that I think I can only share with fellow adoptive parents lest I be judged harshly or misunderstood. I like what everywoman said and I believe that in my heart. My difficult child wants to meet her birthmom because she feels she is a fairy godmother. It is a very immature but understandable feeling for her to have, especially because she thinks we are mean and she would be much better off with anyone but us. She recently wrote that she is afraid she loves her birthmom more than her parents. I resisted with all my heart saying something to her about that but decided I needed to allow her to feel that way even though it ripped my heart out. If everywoman is right, there will come a day when she will put that relationship in the proper perspective. My only regret is that I may not be alive when that finally happens. A few years back I found out that I had a brother that I never knew about. My father had a child with another woman a year after I was born and two years before my sister was born. He decided after 50 some years to tell me and arranged a meeting. At first it was exciting to get to know him and his family. Very shortly afterward I began to resent the intrusion in my life. He meant nothing to me, I wasn't like him at all, I resented that he wanted to be a part of my life, and I pulled back and have no contact with him to this day. I know this isn't quite the same, but think there are some similarities to what our children go through after being reunited. I often said that I believed adoptive parents were there to be babysitters for 18 years, raise the child, feed, cloth, educate them, care for them when they are sick, teach them right from wrong, buy them a car, pay for their college education or help them get a job, and then stand quietly by as they walk into the arms of the family who relinquished them. Our difficult child never adopted us like we adopted her. She has rejected us every step of the way, our values, our goals, our dreams. We have contacted the adoption agency to sign the paperwork needed to allow her to reunite with her birthmother. In Ohio she has to be 21 unless we give permission at age 18, so we are giving permission. She will be in no position to live on her own when she turns 18 in 4 months and will need a lot of support so I hope bm is willing and able to do that. I have prepared myself as much as I can for that final rejection but am trying to keep the door open for the day when she will realize what everywoman has said she would. I just wanted you to know that I understand what you are feeling and the range of emotions involved. I said years back that I believed every adopted child has adoption issues and I still believe that. They have to work out those issues. I wish I had understood all of this almost 18 years ago. Nancy [/QUOTE]
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Adoption has changed so much. I'm scared.
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