Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Adoption has changed so much. I'm scared.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 243685" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I think.....adoption like childbirth has it's choices. I know more kids who are not adopted that want nothing to do with their dysfunctional families and know plenty of adopted kids who want nothing to do with their biological families. It's nothing you've done or haven't done as a parent MWM - it's just a childs choice. </p><p> </p><p>I think a lot of times - about Dave Thomas. Now there is an interesting adoptee. He had a bad life, got adopted, turned it around and never looked back. His autobiography is a great read. I think about my own Mom who was abused as a child to depths I can only now understand. Yet she is the kindest, most gracious, lovely person in the world and doesn't cut Dude an iota of slack for his behavior. She maintains we all have choices - she "COULD" have choosen to act out, be wild - and yet did not. She chose against even her own families upbringing to be a moral & decent person. </p><p> </p><p>What does this have to do with adoptees and Moms? It's a choice. Like anything else in life - it's a carp shoot. I have only ONE son. I gave birth to him. He's a jerk most of the time and I'm basically non-existant unless I can fund the project-0-the-week. I laugh sometimes and except for looking so much like me I would swear he was adopted, or swapped in the hospital or aliens landed in the yard and on odd numbered days beginning with T every other blue moon? I get MY child - the one I raised, love and care about. Other times? I swear to you it's LIKE I adopted someone elses problem kid and it HURTS JUST THE SAME. </p><p> </p><p>Dude has been in several Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s. The first time I heard him calling someone else MY OTHER MOM? I nearly passed out from the shock, awe and pain. It was like - OH NOW THAT IS GONE TOO. GRRRRRRRRREAT....I'm just a big fat NOTHING....and she get's to have the title of MOM. BOLOGNA! </p><p> </p><p>So I too know what that feels like. He's living with Foster parents now and calls THEM.....his OTHER Dad....and Other MOm.....and I think - sigh-whatever....because.....</p><p> </p><p>Somewhere in all of this Mom, not Mom, I hate you MOM, I wish YOU weren't my Mom, I have another Mom, Mother to my brother of another Color (love that one) and just plain old....names? I am still his Mom. I'm the one that raised him. I'm the one that watched him grow, held my breath for him to succeed, cried to God when he hurt....every SINGLE DAY. Sometimes from a distance, sometimes in my home.......sometimes wishing someone would adopt ME at 40 and just get me OUT of the house...but the difference here is......MY MOM......thinks about me 24/7. </p><p> </p><p>My Mom got to put kisses on my boo boos, my Mom cried when I felt bad, she made me laugh, she gave me a LIFE. She may not have given me life - but the big difference here is - SHE GAVE ME A LIFE. Without that? I wouldn't be here. In a small way I think occasionally of my biomother. She's not my Mom, she's didn't raise me, she did give birth to me, but I have no idea if she gave me away for a better life for herself or for me. Doesn't matter to me at this point....because......I. HAVE. A. LIFE. had it not been for my Mom and Dad? my LIFE could have been dramatically different. I may have spent my entire life in an orphanage, not knowing what it's like to have a loving parent that cared. I mean houseworkers, and fosters and nuns are great but come on.....who's your Mom in that mess? </p><p> </p><p>Maybe the indiscretion you feel is betrayal. You raised this little girl as your own, and she is your daughter. And now she wants to find her biomom because she's curious about her past. Well while you feel betrayed for her wanting to seek out her past - I can tell you that SHE (in the back of her mind) has ALWAYS felt betrayed because of being given up and not wanted or ......wanted to give a better life. </p><p> </p><p>I think before she goes to see her biomom? I'd ask her some questions and find out why it is she wants to meet with her. Also dont' use the pesudo-excuse to know who she looks like that a lot of adoptees long for - because if it IS that - then just get biomom to send pictures. If your daughter persists beyond seeing who she looks like? Then you'll know it's more than that. Maybe she needs to look this woman in the eye and say THANK you for giving me ...MY MOM. Or maybe she needs to say "YOU ABSOLUTE HORROR of a PERSON." Maybe she needs to just look her in the eyes and see for herself that YOU are her (what did you call it?) REAL Mother? Yeah - little misunderstanding there - YOUR REAL MOTHER IS THE ONE that holds a bucket for you while you puke at night with the flu. </p><p> </p><p>In essence? It's not even entered into N's brain that this is some sort of betrayal. It's curiosity, and it's a curiosity that can be settled. But you need to explain to her that it could be a curiosity that is settled and leaves her with even MORE unsettling feelings than she had to begin with. Remember my story of the pretty lady and the 400lb disheveled woman? Yeah - maybe some day before this all goes on - you could explain that to her. Because you dont' always get what you picture in your minds eye. </p><p> </p><p>Adoptee Mothers share their light too - when they give their children up for someone else to be called Mom. I just can't see as wonderful a Mom as you being put on a back burner. EVER......</p><p> </p><p>Hugs </p><p>Understanding</p><p>Love</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 243685, member: 4964"] I think.....adoption like childbirth has it's choices. I know more kids who are not adopted that want nothing to do with their dysfunctional families and know plenty of adopted kids who want nothing to do with their biological families. It's nothing you've done or haven't done as a parent MWM - it's just a childs choice. I think a lot of times - about Dave Thomas. Now there is an interesting adoptee. He had a bad life, got adopted, turned it around and never looked back. His autobiography is a great read. I think about my own Mom who was abused as a child to depths I can only now understand. Yet she is the kindest, most gracious, lovely person in the world and doesn't cut Dude an iota of slack for his behavior. She maintains we all have choices - she "COULD" have choosen to act out, be wild - and yet did not. She chose against even her own families upbringing to be a moral & decent person. What does this have to do with adoptees and Moms? It's a choice. Like anything else in life - it's a carp shoot. I have only ONE son. I gave birth to him. He's a jerk most of the time and I'm basically non-existant unless I can fund the project-0-the-week. I laugh sometimes and except for looking so much like me I would swear he was adopted, or swapped in the hospital or aliens landed in the yard and on odd numbered days beginning with T every other blue moon? I get MY child - the one I raised, love and care about. Other times? I swear to you it's LIKE I adopted someone elses problem kid and it HURTS JUST THE SAME. Dude has been in several Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s. The first time I heard him calling someone else MY OTHER MOM? I nearly passed out from the shock, awe and pain. It was like - OH NOW THAT IS GONE TOO. GRRRRRRRRREAT....I'm just a big fat NOTHING....and she get's to have the title of MOM. BOLOGNA! So I too know what that feels like. He's living with Foster parents now and calls THEM.....his OTHER Dad....and Other MOm.....and I think - sigh-whatever....because..... Somewhere in all of this Mom, not Mom, I hate you MOM, I wish YOU weren't my Mom, I have another Mom, Mother to my brother of another Color (love that one) and just plain old....names? I am still his Mom. I'm the one that raised him. I'm the one that watched him grow, held my breath for him to succeed, cried to God when he hurt....every SINGLE DAY. Sometimes from a distance, sometimes in my home.......sometimes wishing someone would adopt ME at 40 and just get me OUT of the house...but the difference here is......MY MOM......thinks about me 24/7. My Mom got to put kisses on my boo boos, my Mom cried when I felt bad, she made me laugh, she gave me a LIFE. She may not have given me life - but the big difference here is - SHE GAVE ME A LIFE. Without that? I wouldn't be here. In a small way I think occasionally of my biomother. She's not my Mom, she's didn't raise me, she did give birth to me, but I have no idea if she gave me away for a better life for herself or for me. Doesn't matter to me at this point....because......I. HAVE. A. LIFE. had it not been for my Mom and Dad? my LIFE could have been dramatically different. I may have spent my entire life in an orphanage, not knowing what it's like to have a loving parent that cared. I mean houseworkers, and fosters and nuns are great but come on.....who's your Mom in that mess? Maybe the indiscretion you feel is betrayal. You raised this little girl as your own, and she is your daughter. And now she wants to find her biomom because she's curious about her past. Well while you feel betrayed for her wanting to seek out her past - I can tell you that SHE (in the back of her mind) has ALWAYS felt betrayed because of being given up and not wanted or ......wanted to give a better life. I think before she goes to see her biomom? I'd ask her some questions and find out why it is she wants to meet with her. Also dont' use the pesudo-excuse to know who she looks like that a lot of adoptees long for - because if it IS that - then just get biomom to send pictures. If your daughter persists beyond seeing who she looks like? Then you'll know it's more than that. Maybe she needs to look this woman in the eye and say THANK you for giving me ...MY MOM. Or maybe she needs to say "YOU ABSOLUTE HORROR of a PERSON." Maybe she needs to just look her in the eyes and see for herself that YOU are her (what did you call it?) REAL Mother? Yeah - little misunderstanding there - YOUR REAL MOTHER IS THE ONE that holds a bucket for you while you puke at night with the flu. In essence? It's not even entered into N's brain that this is some sort of betrayal. It's curiosity, and it's a curiosity that can be settled. But you need to explain to her that it could be a curiosity that is settled and leaves her with even MORE unsettling feelings than she had to begin with. Remember my story of the pretty lady and the 400lb disheveled woman? Yeah - maybe some day before this all goes on - you could explain that to her. Because you dont' always get what you picture in your minds eye. Adoptee Mothers share their light too - when they give their children up for someone else to be called Mom. I just can't see as wonderful a Mom as you being put on a back burner. EVER...... Hugs Understanding Love Star [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Adoption has changed so much. I'm scared.
Top