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Adoption, the Unknown, and Fetal Alcohol Exposure
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 374635" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It does get scary. In some ways, difficult child 1 was more violent than difficult child 3. What we found was/is a problem, is when ADHD medications wear off and we get rebound - the violence is much worse then. difficult child! in his early teens tried to avoid taking his medications, he went through a phase of "there's nothing wrong with me" and tried to prove he didn't need medications and didn't have a problem with caffeine. Problem was, he couldn't see it. He would get violent and aggressive, truculent and abusive and not realise HE was the problem. To him, it was everyone else. One day (unmedicated and hopped up on cola) he got hassled by a kid on the train and smashed a glass drink bottle to attack the kid with. Thankfully the school principal dealt with it very appropriately in my view - by the time they were at the principal's office, both boys were friends again and had apologised to one another (I suspect difficult child 1 was medicated by then). The principal organised for difficult child 1 to do railway platform cleaning duty for a week, as punishment. Far more effective than a suspension would have been! </p><p></p><p>I finally said to him (when he was calm and medicated) that it couldn't be everyone else. Either something was a problem with one person, or everybody. And the odds of it being everybody was too remote. He just had to accept our word on this. The other thing you can do (we didn't, but it was due to lack of technology, not an issue these days) is videotape the raging and violence. Then play it back to him at the therapist or when he's calm and medicated. Not in any angry mood, just to say, "hey, buddy, we need to talk about this. Do you realise how upset this makes me?"</p><p></p><p>The thing is - these kids will get cranky, will get aggressive. The primary thing you should do when they're being aggressive is protect yourself, protect the kid, protect others. Forget about trying to communicate anything to the child at that time. You won't get any message through. If you read "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time" by Mark Haddon (it's fiction, but brilliant) the main character there records all events in his life eidetically, except when he gets really upset. Then he has blocks of time where he can't remember what happened. And I do know there have been times when either of my boys was raging, and they can't properly recall what was happening. They do have partial recall, though. They can see events, but only like a DVD fast-forwarded. No sound, blurred images. So difficult child 1 remembered attacking easy child with a screwdriver but he couldn't remember why.</p><p></p><p>The best way to tech him control, is to teach self-control. And the best way to teach self-control is the explosive Child method. You put everything except immediate safety, in Basket B or C. If you have something in Basket B andhe's beginning to ramp up (learn the warning signs and respond quickly) then immediately, dump the issue in Basket C an focus on calming him. Go back to the issue as and when you feel he can handle it.</p><p></p><p>I know some people feel this is "letting them get away with it" but remember, these aren't your average kid. Also, as they draw close to rage but can pull back (this comes with frequency and practice) they learn that getting angry doesn't have to progress to violence. Over time, the child learns more self-control. They also learn very quickly, that you are trying to help them not rage. That is different to you trying to stop a rage, because when we try to stop a rage we're trying to say, "Stop! Don't throw that table!" That doesn't do a thing to stop it when the rage is imminent.</p><p>What we need to be saying is, "It's OK, take a deep breath. And another. Go outside for a few minutes, let's deal with this later."</p><p></p><p>Being unable to regulate his emotions or behaviours is very much a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) trait.</p><p></p><p>Another thing to remember - you can have varying degrees of severity of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), even while you can independently have varying degrees of high-function. For example, difficult child 3 is very high-functioning, he has an IQ measured in the mid 140s (although his score has varied wildly depending on when he was tested and by whom - I've learned to ignore school psychologist scores, they're the most widely disparate). And yet when you score his Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), it scores "moderate", not "mild". Similarly, difficult child 1 now scores as mild, because he has adapted a great deal. Extremely pacifist, very law-abiding, upright and moral. Extremely loyal. But needing a lot of support to do some basic things. It would now take extreme provocation for him to physically attack anybody, although he does have outlets. He's joined a medieval warfare mob where they go out on weekends and bash each other with broadswords and shields while wearing chain mail. They have strict rules to follow which he sticks to tightly. He's learned self-control to an intense level because the violence he displayed 15 years ago scared him.</p><p></p><p>Since your difficult child's biomom doesn't know the father, is there a chance he could have some Asian heritage? It would explain the colouring and the epicanthic fold. From my understanding of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), for the epicanthic fold to be due to alcohol, there would be other, far more obvious signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS); signs distinct from Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD).</p><p></p><p><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetal_alcohol_syndrome" target="_blank">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetal_alcohol_syndrome</a></p><p></p><p>First - growth. How are his growth parameters? If his facial features are due to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), then he would have the rest of the stuff too, in spades. Not mildly, not a little bit. The lot. Growth retardation is measurable. </p><p></p><p>Facial features - these are believed to occur between 10th & 20th weeks of gestation. By this time biomom knew she was pregnant, I believe. Maybe just after 10th week? Presence of facial features guarantees brain damage. Absence of distinctive facial features does not guarantee lack of brain damage. Distance between eyes DECREASES with increased alcohol damage. So wide-set eyes is actually NOT an indication, according to tis link.</p><p>What is the width of his upper lip? Bear in mind that in most people (those who haven't had plastic surgery), the upper lip is thinner than the lower, so don't let that worry you too much.</p><p></p><p>I would keep going here, but I've run out of time, I need to be on the road NOW, so I will post more later, if you need me too. Gotta run!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 374635, member: 1991"] It does get scary. In some ways, difficult child 1 was more violent than difficult child 3. What we found was/is a problem, is when ADHD medications wear off and we get rebound - the violence is much worse then. difficult child! in his early teens tried to avoid taking his medications, he went through a phase of "there's nothing wrong with me" and tried to prove he didn't need medications and didn't have a problem with caffeine. Problem was, he couldn't see it. He would get violent and aggressive, truculent and abusive and not realise HE was the problem. To him, it was everyone else. One day (unmedicated and hopped up on cola) he got hassled by a kid on the train and smashed a glass drink bottle to attack the kid with. Thankfully the school principal dealt with it very appropriately in my view - by the time they were at the principal's office, both boys were friends again and had apologised to one another (I suspect difficult child 1 was medicated by then). The principal organised for difficult child 1 to do railway platform cleaning duty for a week, as punishment. Far more effective than a suspension would have been! I finally said to him (when he was calm and medicated) that it couldn't be everyone else. Either something was a problem with one person, or everybody. And the odds of it being everybody was too remote. He just had to accept our word on this. The other thing you can do (we didn't, but it was due to lack of technology, not an issue these days) is videotape the raging and violence. Then play it back to him at the therapist or when he's calm and medicated. Not in any angry mood, just to say, "hey, buddy, we need to talk about this. Do you realise how upset this makes me?" The thing is - these kids will get cranky, will get aggressive. The primary thing you should do when they're being aggressive is protect yourself, protect the kid, protect others. Forget about trying to communicate anything to the child at that time. You won't get any message through. If you read "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time" by Mark Haddon (it's fiction, but brilliant) the main character there records all events in his life eidetically, except when he gets really upset. Then he has blocks of time where he can't remember what happened. And I do know there have been times when either of my boys was raging, and they can't properly recall what was happening. They do have partial recall, though. They can see events, but only like a DVD fast-forwarded. No sound, blurred images. So difficult child 1 remembered attacking easy child with a screwdriver but he couldn't remember why. The best way to tech him control, is to teach self-control. And the best way to teach self-control is the explosive Child method. You put everything except immediate safety, in Basket B or C. If you have something in Basket B andhe's beginning to ramp up (learn the warning signs and respond quickly) then immediately, dump the issue in Basket C an focus on calming him. Go back to the issue as and when you feel he can handle it. I know some people feel this is "letting them get away with it" but remember, these aren't your average kid. Also, as they draw close to rage but can pull back (this comes with frequency and practice) they learn that getting angry doesn't have to progress to violence. Over time, the child learns more self-control. They also learn very quickly, that you are trying to help them not rage. That is different to you trying to stop a rage, because when we try to stop a rage we're trying to say, "Stop! Don't throw that table!" That doesn't do a thing to stop it when the rage is imminent. What we need to be saying is, "It's OK, take a deep breath. And another. Go outside for a few minutes, let's deal with this later." Being unable to regulate his emotions or behaviours is very much a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) trait. Another thing to remember - you can have varying degrees of severity of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), even while you can independently have varying degrees of high-function. For example, difficult child 3 is very high-functioning, he has an IQ measured in the mid 140s (although his score has varied wildly depending on when he was tested and by whom - I've learned to ignore school psychologist scores, they're the most widely disparate). And yet when you score his Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), it scores "moderate", not "mild". Similarly, difficult child 1 now scores as mild, because he has adapted a great deal. Extremely pacifist, very law-abiding, upright and moral. Extremely loyal. But needing a lot of support to do some basic things. It would now take extreme provocation for him to physically attack anybody, although he does have outlets. He's joined a medieval warfare mob where they go out on weekends and bash each other with broadswords and shields while wearing chain mail. They have strict rules to follow which he sticks to tightly. He's learned self-control to an intense level because the violence he displayed 15 years ago scared him. Since your difficult child's biomom doesn't know the father, is there a chance he could have some Asian heritage? It would explain the colouring and the epicanthic fold. From my understanding of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), for the epicanthic fold to be due to alcohol, there would be other, far more obvious signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS); signs distinct from Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). [url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetal_alcohol_syndrome[/url] First - growth. How are his growth parameters? If his facial features are due to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), then he would have the rest of the stuff too, in spades. Not mildly, not a little bit. The lot. Growth retardation is measurable. Facial features - these are believed to occur between 10th & 20th weeks of gestation. By this time biomom knew she was pregnant, I believe. Maybe just after 10th week? Presence of facial features guarantees brain damage. Absence of distinctive facial features does not guarantee lack of brain damage. Distance between eyes DECREASES with increased alcohol damage. So wide-set eyes is actually NOT an indication, according to tis link. What is the width of his upper lip? Bear in mind that in most people (those who haven't had plastic surgery), the upper lip is thinner than the lower, so don't let that worry you too much. I would keep going here, but I've run out of time, I need to be on the road NOW, so I will post more later, if you need me too. Gotta run! Marg [/QUOTE]
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