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Adult son 33 is homeless, Im Mom, 57, trying so hard to detach, not enable...
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 550108"><p>I'm glad that you plan on going to CODA meetings and I believe you said that you changed your cell phone number and are going to therapy yourself. These are fantastic things. You said you are in the "struggle of your life." Well, that sounds about right. (((hugs))) It is very hard...counterintuitive...to not help our own children when they seem to need it. But, it probably HURTS an adult child to help them with things they can and should be able to do themselves. Enabling them hinders them from understanding/feeling/exploring their own self efficacy. By refusing to enable him, you actually role model to him how important it is to be strong, independent...and to be willing to say "no" even when it is very difficult. It also, strongly implies that you feel he can do much more for himself, by himself and that is a very positive message indeed. I like the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Going to a CODA group should be VERY helpful for you. </p><p></p><p><strong>Paying his way....what to eliminate...what to consider:</strong></p><p><strong></strong>If you made the decision to pay for his cell phone fine...</p><p> But start limiting or getting rid of other items that you are paying for</p><p></p><p>Was the car a gift? I would NOT necessarily continue paying for his car if he is using drugs and/or disrespectful to you. You might consider telling him that you will only continue allowing him to use the car if he goes to therapy regularly or enters drug tx. That's a hard call though...and often this type of threat/blackmail to go to therapy doesn't work. He needs a car to find work, go to therapy and perhaps at times, sadly....to live in. But, especially if he is using drugs, this becomes a dangerous situation.</p><p></p><p>I would consider paying, under certain circumstances, for good mental health care. As I think you mentioned, you referred him to a mental health clinic. You might offer to pay for any<u> reasonable fees </u>and perhaps medication (as long as you can make <u>absolutely certain </u>you know that your money is going <u>exactly</u> where you want it to go, ie paying for mental health services and prescribed medication). Remind him, that you might not continue allowing him to use the car, unless he consents to getting help.</p><p></p><p>re: Food, I would give him the number and whatever information you can find out about applying for food stamps. Find out about how long it takes to get enrolled and then tell him that is when you plan on stopping the money for food. For example, if it usually takes three weeks, tell him you plan on not giving him food money in three weeks. And you will stop giving him the money then, if he applies or not. Therefore, he needs to apply ASAP. This is not a joke. If he takes it as a joke, he will have to go to a soup kitchen. It will be a powerful lesson.</p><p></p><p>AT 33...he has to be willing to do the hard work necessary to make a better life for himself. Greatly LIMIT your involvement with him. <u>Your role is OVER.</u></p><p><u></u></p><p><u></u>Keep youself safe...get an alarm system, etc. Read whatever good literature you can find on detachment, put one foot in front of the other, associate with good, kind, loving and caring people...hold your head up high, find things you enjoy and DO THEM and move forward in life happily and healthfully. (Thrilled that you are going on a nice vacation...AWESOME!) Blessings.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 550108"] I'm glad that you plan on going to CODA meetings and I believe you said that you changed your cell phone number and are going to therapy yourself. These are fantastic things. You said you are in the "struggle of your life." Well, that sounds about right. (((hugs))) It is very hard...counterintuitive...to not help our own children when they seem to need it. But, it probably HURTS an adult child to help them with things they can and should be able to do themselves. Enabling them hinders them from understanding/feeling/exploring their own self efficacy. By refusing to enable him, you actually role model to him how important it is to be strong, independent...and to be willing to say "no" even when it is very difficult. It also, strongly implies that you feel he can do much more for himself, by himself and that is a very positive message indeed. I like the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Going to a CODA group should be VERY helpful for you. [B]Paying his way....what to eliminate...what to consider: [/B]If you made the decision to pay for his cell phone fine... But start limiting or getting rid of other items that you are paying for Was the car a gift? I would NOT necessarily continue paying for his car if he is using drugs and/or disrespectful to you. You might consider telling him that you will only continue allowing him to use the car if he goes to therapy regularly or enters drug tx. That's a hard call though...and often this type of threat/blackmail to go to therapy doesn't work. He needs a car to find work, go to therapy and perhaps at times, sadly....to live in. But, especially if he is using drugs, this becomes a dangerous situation. I would consider paying, under certain circumstances, for good mental health care. As I think you mentioned, you referred him to a mental health clinic. You might offer to pay for any[U] reasonable fees [/U]and perhaps medication (as long as you can make [U]absolutely certain [/U]you know that your money is going [U]exactly[/U] where you want it to go, ie paying for mental health services and prescribed medication). Remind him, that you might not continue allowing him to use the car, unless he consents to getting help. re: Food, I would give him the number and whatever information you can find out about applying for food stamps. Find out about how long it takes to get enrolled and then tell him that is when you plan on stopping the money for food. For example, if it usually takes three weeks, tell him you plan on not giving him food money in three weeks. And you will stop giving him the money then, if he applies or not. Therefore, he needs to apply ASAP. This is not a joke. If he takes it as a joke, he will have to go to a soup kitchen. It will be a powerful lesson. AT 33...he has to be willing to do the hard work necessary to make a better life for himself. Greatly LIMIT your involvement with him. [U]Your role is OVER. [/U]Keep youself safe...get an alarm system, etc. Read whatever good literature you can find on detachment, put one foot in front of the other, associate with good, kind, loving and caring people...hold your head up high, find things you enjoy and DO THEM and move forward in life happily and healthfully. (Thrilled that you are going on a nice vacation...AWESOME!) Blessings. [/QUOTE]
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Adult son 33 is homeless, Im Mom, 57, trying so hard to detach, not enable...
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