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Parent Emeritus
Adult son addicted to pills and soon to be homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="DaisyFace" data-source="post: 603106" data-attributes="member: 6546"><p>I also wanted to add...</p><p></p><p>This forum is all about parents supporting parents through tough times. Many here have walked in your shoes. The advice you can find here has been a lifesaver for many - I know it has been for me!</p><p></p><p>When the members here advise you to "detach" - they are not giving you another tool or strategy to use to cure your child. They are not saying to cut contact or disown your child. This is not a condition you place on your child. In fact, detachment has little to do with your child...</p><p></p><p>Detachment is all about YOU.</p><p></p><p>Detachment means that you are choosing to let go of the drama. You are releasing what you cannot control. </p><p></p><p>You cannot control your son. You cannot fix him. It is out of your hands.</p><p></p><p>You cannot use money or material things to force him into a contract. <em>(I will give you ____, if you _______ .) </em>You cannot buy your way out of his manipulation. <em>(OK - I will do _____, but you have to promise this is the last time!)</em> You cannot set up an arrangement that guarantees you never have to worry about him. <em>(If I can just get him _________, then he'll be OK.) </em>It can't be done. Certainly, many parents have tried....</p><p></p><p>You need to find a way to be OK - even if your son is not<em>.</em> That is detachment.</p><p></p><p>Just a thought - </p><p></p><p>What if you took the money and cash for bus tickets and bought some tickets for you and your wife instead? What if the two of you took a weekend getaway? No phone. No tv. No internet. NO DRAMA! Spend some time focused on each other instead of your son for a while...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DaisyFace, post: 603106, member: 6546"] I also wanted to add... This forum is all about parents supporting parents through tough times. Many here have walked in your shoes. The advice you can find here has been a lifesaver for many - I know it has been for me! When the members here advise you to "detach" - they are not giving you another tool or strategy to use to cure your child. They are not saying to cut contact or disown your child. This is not a condition you place on your child. In fact, detachment has little to do with your child... Detachment is all about YOU. Detachment means that you are choosing to let go of the drama. You are releasing what you cannot control. You cannot control your son. You cannot fix him. It is out of your hands. You cannot use money or material things to force him into a contract. [I](I will give you ____, if you _______ .) [/I]You cannot buy your way out of his manipulation. [I](OK - I will do _____, but you have to promise this is the last time!)[/I] You cannot set up an arrangement that guarantees you never have to worry about him. [I](If I can just get him _________, then he'll be OK.) [/I]It can't be done. Certainly, many parents have tried.... You need to find a way to be OK - even if your son is not[I].[/I] That is detachment. Just a thought - What if you took the money and cash for bus tickets and bought some tickets for you and your wife instead? What if the two of you took a weekend getaway? No phone. No tv. No internet. NO DRAMA! Spend some time focused on each other instead of your son for a while... [/QUOTE]
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Adult son addicted to pills and soon to be homeless
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