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Advice needed - mother who is a difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 160637" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: indigo">{{{tryinghard}}}</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: indigo">I agree with the counseling suggestion. I struggle with a difficult relationship concerning my sister, who basically was like a surrogate mother to me from age 10 until about 20. The whole story is too long to go into, but one (final) day she lashed out at me for totally untrue and unfounded reasons and when she lashes out she's like a viper - a forked tongue, you name it. She can be evil. Well, I sort of lost it, screamed back and hung up on her. The next day I found myself a counselor. Other 'family issues' aside, I needed to learn how to detach from my sister without anger and resentment. I wanted to detach from her using the tactic of 'self preservation'. Being around her and talking on the phone with her was like walking on eggshells. If I ran into her at the store, I would have no way of knowing what she would be like with me. Seriously, I felt like I was wearing armor all the time when she was around - still do to a certain extent. The counselor suggested my sister had some type of narcissistic personality disorder and had me read, "Walking on Eggshells" - sorry can't remember the author, but you can look on Amazon. It really helped me a lot.</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: indigo">Anyway, the counselor helped me put things into a perspective that I could understand. The counselor worked with me to feel stronger around my sister, helped me feel confident in my decision to detach and create healthy (safe) boundaries for myself. I shed a lot of guilt for bowing out of family events (because sister was there), I learned new phrases that helped me to either hang up the phone without crying or screaming back, and I learned to love and respect myself enough to be good to me DESPITE how it affects my birth family. The counselor and I went over how we're raised with this notion that just because this is our birth family or this is our mother, sister, etc., that we are beholden to them. We're not. If your mother were throwing burning sticks at your face, would you feel badly about not having a relationship with her? If everytime you saw her she threw a burning rag at your face, would you have any qualms about excluding her from your life? Probably not. That was one of the analogies that my counselor used to help me understand that my sister's verbal and emotional abuse was similar to setting me on fire and tearing me down.</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: indigo">There are many steps you will need to take before you know what you will do...creating boundaries for your relationship with your mom and learning self preservation were the first ones I took with my sister.</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 15px"><span style="color: indigo">You have a close relationship with your daughter why? Because it's something you have always wanted in your life with your mother. You know what you missed out on. You said it below, you want your mom to love you and be close with her. You know that will never happen and although in a logical sense you've accepted that, emotionally it's still something you struggle with. I am very close with both my dds, I worked towards that goal their entire lives as little girls. Even difficult child, who is a major thorn in my side these days. When my easy child went off to college, it felt like I had a missing limb for a very long time. Then I learned to sit back and watch the show...see how wonderful she was at growing into a healthy, happy, independent young woman. It's marvelous. Allow yourself the time to mourn, but in time you and your daughter will reach a new level in your relationship that will be just as rewarding. In the meantime, find a counselor and take care of you. Sending lots of hugs and support. </span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 160637, member: 2211"] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=4][COLOR=indigo]{{{tryinghard}}}[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=4][COLOR=indigo]I agree with the counseling suggestion. I struggle with a difficult relationship concerning my sister, who basically was like a surrogate mother to me from age 10 until about 20. The whole story is too long to go into, but one (final) day she lashed out at me for totally untrue and unfounded reasons and when she lashes out she's like a viper - a forked tongue, you name it. She can be evil. Well, I sort of lost it, screamed back and hung up on her. The next day I found myself a counselor. Other 'family issues' aside, I needed to learn how to detach from my sister without anger and resentment. I wanted to detach from her using the tactic of 'self preservation'. Being around her and talking on the phone with her was like walking on eggshells. If I ran into her at the store, I would have no way of knowing what she would be like with me. Seriously, I felt like I was wearing armor all the time when she was around - still do to a certain extent. The counselor suggested my sister had some type of narcissistic personality disorder and had me read, "Walking on Eggshells" - sorry can't remember the author, but you can look on Amazon. It really helped me a lot.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=4][COLOR=indigo]Anyway, the counselor helped me put things into a perspective that I could understand. The counselor worked with me to feel stronger around my sister, helped me feel confident in my decision to detach and create healthy (safe) boundaries for myself. I shed a lot of guilt for bowing out of family events (because sister was there), I learned new phrases that helped me to either hang up the phone without crying or screaming back, and I learned to love and respect myself enough to be good to me DESPITE how it affects my birth family. The counselor and I went over how we're raised with this notion that just because this is our birth family or this is our mother, sister, etc., that we are beholden to them. We're not. If your mother were throwing burning sticks at your face, would you feel badly about not having a relationship with her? If everytime you saw her she threw a burning rag at your face, would you have any qualms about excluding her from your life? Probably not. That was one of the analogies that my counselor used to help me understand that my sister's verbal and emotional abuse was similar to setting me on fire and tearing me down.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=4][COLOR=indigo]There are many steps you will need to take before you know what you will do...creating boundaries for your relationship with your mom and learning self preservation were the first ones I took with my sister.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=4][COLOR=indigo]You have a close relationship with your daughter why? Because it's something you have always wanted in your life with your mother. You know what you missed out on. You said it below, you want your mom to love you and be close with her. You know that will never happen and although in a logical sense you've accepted that, emotionally it's still something you struggle with. I am very close with both my dds, I worked towards that goal their entire lives as little girls. Even difficult child, who is a major thorn in my side these days. When my easy child went off to college, it felt like I had a missing limb for a very long time. Then I learned to sit back and watch the show...see how wonderful she was at growing into a healthy, happy, independent young woman. It's marvelous. Allow yourself the time to mourn, but in time you and your daughter will reach a new level in your relationship that will be just as rewarding. In the meantime, find a counselor and take care of you. Sending lots of hugs and support. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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