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Advice needed - mother who is a difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 162083"><p>I am so very sorry. You have a lot on your plate...to be sure. There were certain things in your story that resonated with me. I guess the biggest one was that your mom says she has a bad headache problem. Do you think she is being honest when she says she has frequent headaches? I recall when I was a young woman, my aunt complained of near daily headaches and she often slept in a dark room for relief. We all thought she was "nuts." Then, when I got to be in my 30s...guess what? I got headaches/migraines. I went to doctors and got basically no relief. I took medications that made things worse. When those headaches/migraines started to come daily (and esp. when I had difficult child issues on top of it), I could get really depressed.</p><p> </p><p>What helped me was getting on Topamax...a medication I love to hate. Topamax is FDA approved for the treatment of headaches/migraines. It really works. I just find it personally annoying because it causes memory/add type issues galore for me and many others. However, I just could NOT tolerate that pain any longer. Period. It was RUINING my life in every way possible. For depression, I have found the B vitamins to be a lifesaving tool. </p><p> </p><p>I think if your mother was truly abusive (physically and/or verbally) you are NOT obligated to maintain a relationship with her. However, if it was more that she was "cool," and that she had unadressed pain issues...you might at least consider making an attempt to open the door. However, she is an adult and if she chooses not to take you up on your offer...it really is more her loss. In addition, if you open the door, but she is abusive to you...you can chose to SHUT IT.</p><p> </p><p>I can also relate to your story, because I have not spoken with my father for many years. My father was physically and verbally abusive and even when I "called him on it" when I became an adult, he chose not change. It is his loss. Sometimes I worry about "what will happen when he dies." If this ends up your situation...you could ask a trusted "go between" to contact you if your mother becomes seriously ill, etc. I agree with the other posters, that you have to protect your own emotional wellbeing first.</p><p> </p><p>Have you sought the advice of a professional counselor regarding this and the other hardships you are experiencing? in my humble opinion, you are on the top of the stress scale with a job change after many, many years, having a difficult child and the other things going on in your life. If needed...you might find someone who will work on a sliding scale...but please consider getting some help...this is a lot to process.</p><p> </p><p>(hugs)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 162083"] I am so very sorry. You have a lot on your plate...to be sure. There were certain things in your story that resonated with me. I guess the biggest one was that your mom says she has a bad headache problem. Do you think she is being honest when she says she has frequent headaches? I recall when I was a young woman, my aunt complained of near daily headaches and she often slept in a dark room for relief. We all thought she was "nuts." Then, when I got to be in my 30s...guess what? I got headaches/migraines. I went to doctors and got basically no relief. I took medications that made things worse. When those headaches/migraines started to come daily (and esp. when I had difficult child issues on top of it), I could get really depressed. What helped me was getting on Topamax...a medication I love to hate. Topamax is FDA approved for the treatment of headaches/migraines. It really works. I just find it personally annoying because it causes memory/add type issues galore for me and many others. However, I just could NOT tolerate that pain any longer. Period. It was RUINING my life in every way possible. For depression, I have found the B vitamins to be a lifesaving tool. I think if your mother was truly abusive (physically and/or verbally) you are NOT obligated to maintain a relationship with her. However, if it was more that she was "cool," and that she had unadressed pain issues...you might at least consider making an attempt to open the door. However, she is an adult and if she chooses not to take you up on your offer...it really is more her loss. In addition, if you open the door, but she is abusive to you...you can chose to SHUT IT. I can also relate to your story, because I have not spoken with my father for many years. My father was physically and verbally abusive and even when I "called him on it" when I became an adult, he chose not change. It is his loss. Sometimes I worry about "what will happen when he dies." If this ends up your situation...you could ask a trusted "go between" to contact you if your mother becomes seriously ill, etc. I agree with the other posters, that you have to protect your own emotional wellbeing first. Have you sought the advice of a professional counselor regarding this and the other hardships you are experiencing? in my humble opinion, you are on the top of the stress scale with a job change after many, many years, having a difficult child and the other things going on in your life. If needed...you might find someone who will work on a sliding scale...but please consider getting some help...this is a lot to process. (hugs) [/QUOTE]
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