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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 661536" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>This is what happened with my Difficult Child who stopped using drugs and went to a community college and it was a win/win for all. We didn't know she was planning to do it until she was in the process and she was very pleased with herself. She did get help buying materials for classes.</p><p></p><p>Daughter talked to the financial aid office at school and got lots of grants and a small loan. It was a two year college, which I feel is the best bet for a Difficult Child, since most don't even get through that. They can always go on after two years. She didn't ask us for anything, which was proof of how much she had changed and her job as a retail clerk was not a big paycheck. She was not living at home so t hey only used her income to figure out how much money she could get. Two year schools do not cost as much as four year schools so her balance was small w hen it came to paying back and it turned out that the college itself hired her.</p><p></p><p>I like to read about the struggles of people like our kids and sometimes like us to see how they work it out in the end. I am currently interested in reading about drug addicts who quit. In all the books I've read (about five) the parents get overly optimistic too soon and rush to help, usually with a lot of money involved. Of course, they are people who could afford to put out the money. Often they did not k now for years that their money had gone stright to booze or drugs and that their Difficult Child did not even go back to school. They didn't find out until it was too late and the money was gone and their Difficult Child hung his head and said, "Sorry."</p><p></p><p>We help Jumper, our easy child, with school...not the actual tuition...she has grants and a small loan. But we pay a lot in helping her pay for her car to go to and from college, for extras, for fun, etc. She just recently got a job. Before that, we gave her a lot of the money that we don't have...lol. But we knew Jumper was going to do with the money exactly what she said she'd do with it and we saw this when we gave her use of our credit cards, etc. She doesn't use drugs. She doesn't even drink.</p><p></p><p>I think each child needs to be treated differently, without announcing this to the world. If a child is responsible, help!!! It makes you feel good. If it is a Difficult Child, hellp too if you want, but realize the money may go straight to drugs/alcohol and you may think they are straighter than they are. The books I've read are written by the recovered addict and I am amazed at the ways they are able to manipulate hopeful parents into thinking they are clean when they are not.</p><p></p><p>Having said all this, if you can afford it and don't mind MAYBE losing t he money, do it. But I agree not to be deceitful about it. I have never been in this situation and am not sure what I would have done if Princess had asked for any help. By the way, the good news is that your son could find a career if he stays clean and stays the course. My daughter graduated and I cried like a baby because I'd been so sure she would end up in jail or dead. Her drug of choice was meth.</p><p></p><p>One almost sure fire way to know if your adult child is clean is to look at his/her friends. In all the books and with my own daughter, once the person decided to really stay sober (and withdrawals are hard and painful and difficult), their friends changed. Drug users were no longer in their lives, even l lifelong druggie friends as they knew that seeing the partying and getting pushed to take drugs/drink would easily cause a relapse. If your adult kids still hang around with drug users or have as SO who uses drugs, it is almost a sure sign that they are also doing it.</p><p></p><p>But if my daughter could quit the meth and even cigarettes on her own, without rehab, your son can quit too. Just be realistic. It took us a few years before we were pretty sure Princess was done with drugs. She had "quit" so many times before. Now, when we send her gifts, we trust her 100% and we do help out when necessary or just because maybe we want to or want to buy her baby something for no reason at all.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with your decision. There is no right or wrong answer.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 661536, member: 1550"] This is what happened with my Difficult Child who stopped using drugs and went to a community college and it was a win/win for all. We didn't know she was planning to do it until she was in the process and she was very pleased with herself. She did get help buying materials for classes. Daughter talked to the financial aid office at school and got lots of grants and a small loan. It was a two year college, which I feel is the best bet for a Difficult Child, since most don't even get through that. They can always go on after two years. She didn't ask us for anything, which was proof of how much she had changed and her job as a retail clerk was not a big paycheck. She was not living at home so t hey only used her income to figure out how much money she could get. Two year schools do not cost as much as four year schools so her balance was small w hen it came to paying back and it turned out that the college itself hired her. I like to read about the struggles of people like our kids and sometimes like us to see how they work it out in the end. I am currently interested in reading about drug addicts who quit. In all the books I've read (about five) the parents get overly optimistic too soon and rush to help, usually with a lot of money involved. Of course, they are people who could afford to put out the money. Often they did not k now for years that their money had gone stright to booze or drugs and that their Difficult Child did not even go back to school. They didn't find out until it was too late and the money was gone and their Difficult Child hung his head and said, "Sorry." We help Jumper, our easy child, with school...not the actual tuition...she has grants and a small loan. But we pay a lot in helping her pay for her car to go to and from college, for extras, for fun, etc. She just recently got a job. Before that, we gave her a lot of the money that we don't have...lol. But we knew Jumper was going to do with the money exactly what she said she'd do with it and we saw this when we gave her use of our credit cards, etc. She doesn't use drugs. She doesn't even drink. I think each child needs to be treated differently, without announcing this to the world. If a child is responsible, help!!! It makes you feel good. If it is a Difficult Child, hellp too if you want, but realize the money may go straight to drugs/alcohol and you may think they are straighter than they are. The books I've read are written by the recovered addict and I am amazed at the ways they are able to manipulate hopeful parents into thinking they are clean when they are not. Having said all this, if you can afford it and don't mind MAYBE losing t he money, do it. But I agree not to be deceitful about it. I have never been in this situation and am not sure what I would have done if Princess had asked for any help. By the way, the good news is that your son could find a career if he stays clean and stays the course. My daughter graduated and I cried like a baby because I'd been so sure she would end up in jail or dead. Her drug of choice was meth. One almost sure fire way to know if your adult child is clean is to look at his/her friends. In all the books and with my own daughter, once the person decided to really stay sober (and withdrawals are hard and painful and difficult), their friends changed. Drug users were no longer in their lives, even l lifelong druggie friends as they knew that seeing the partying and getting pushed to take drugs/drink would easily cause a relapse. If your adult kids still hang around with drug users or have as SO who uses drugs, it is almost a sure sign that they are also doing it. But if my daughter could quit the meth and even cigarettes on her own, without rehab, your son can quit too. Just be realistic. It took us a few years before we were pretty sure Princess was done with drugs. She had "quit" so many times before. Now, when we send her gifts, we trust her 100% and we do help out when necessary or just because maybe we want to or want to buy her baby something for no reason at all. Good luck with your decision. There is no right or wrong answer. [/QUOTE]
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