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afraid of myself - long - please
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<blockquote data-quote="Marcie Mac" data-source="post: 231088" data-attributes="member: 47"><p>I ran a parallel life to yours when I was around your age, except husband wouldn't work. There was no saving my marriage as it wasn't much to begin with. I turned into a workaholic - there was no grief at work, people were pleasant, I could have a laugh, and I was much appreciated, something that I was not at home, where in stages I was the B, Nasty B, Nasty Vile B, and then the kicker was the nasty vile American B (my X is English) because at night I came blowing in the house, and started taking charge and issuing edicts and orders. Besides the fights between difficult child, his brother, and their father, there were fights between me, difficult child, his brother, their father. Controntation on a daily basis. The minute I walked in the door I was angry. It was an insane way of living for more years than necessary. I grew into an outsider to my own family - my fault as I let things get so out of control. I convinced myself if I didn't work, I may lose my job, we may be out on the street - oh I had a ton of reasons why I needed to work all those hours but in hindsight, it was my escape from the chaos of home. </p><p> </p><p>The one thing I did was to go a councelor for me when I had reached my breaking point- and learned alot about myself. Only then was I able to start making some changes for the better, one of which was putting husband and a loveless marriage to the curb. It wasn't an easy time, believe me. NO ONE in my house wanted any changes -they all learned to live with the fighting and here I was throwing a monkey wrench into the frey.</p><p> </p><p>KJS, only you can get off of the hampster wheel. Start by losing that second job, and spend that time you normally would working in counceling. Being a non person to people you love is absolutely a horrible way to live. You cannot change things until you start changing yourself.</p><p> </p><p>Marcie</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marcie Mac, post: 231088, member: 47"] I ran a parallel life to yours when I was around your age, except husband wouldn't work. There was no saving my marriage as it wasn't much to begin with. I turned into a workaholic - there was no grief at work, people were pleasant, I could have a laugh, and I was much appreciated, something that I was not at home, where in stages I was the B, Nasty B, Nasty Vile B, and then the kicker was the nasty vile American B (my X is English) because at night I came blowing in the house, and started taking charge and issuing edicts and orders. Besides the fights between difficult child, his brother, and their father, there were fights between me, difficult child, his brother, their father. Controntation on a daily basis. The minute I walked in the door I was angry. It was an insane way of living for more years than necessary. I grew into an outsider to my own family - my fault as I let things get so out of control. I convinced myself if I didn't work, I may lose my job, we may be out on the street - oh I had a ton of reasons why I needed to work all those hours but in hindsight, it was my escape from the chaos of home. The one thing I did was to go a councelor for me when I had reached my breaking point- and learned alot about myself. Only then was I able to start making some changes for the better, one of which was putting husband and a loveless marriage to the curb. It wasn't an easy time, believe me. NO ONE in my house wanted any changes -they all learned to live with the fighting and here I was throwing a monkey wrench into the frey. KJS, only you can get off of the hampster wheel. Start by losing that second job, and spend that time you normally would working in counceling. Being a non person to people you love is absolutely a horrible way to live. You cannot change things until you start changing yourself. Marcie [/QUOTE]
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