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afraid of myself - long - please
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<blockquote data-quote="Kjs" data-source="post: 231342"><p>I know you guys are right. But I am terrified.</p><p> </p><p>About 12 years ago things were like this, little less difficult child though. I started walking. Every night when husband would get home I would leave. I would walk for hours. 5 - 10 miles every night. Spring, Summer, Winter. Walked in rain, snow..didn't matter.</p><p>Started going to the health club. Sometimes twice a day. (I worked days then on a rotating basis) I would spend 4 hours a day at the health club. It was the hardest thing I ever did to make myself do that. When i would walk I would meet up with a friend from work. A male friend going through similar issues. We walked and walked.</p><p>Now mind you this was only a friend relationship. He would stop by and talk with husband, his son babysat difficult child, he actually is a household friend.</p><p> </p><p>At that time i felt so good. husband actually said once " you don't know how long you are really gone. difficult child misses you". </p><p> </p><p>I lost a ton of weight, felt great things got so much better. Then five years ago lost my job, husband lost his job, difficult child in middle school, getting rougher. easy child had to leave college. Dad died. Had to file bancrupcy. Took on night shift jobs. Drove 100 miles a day. never saw anyone. Got this job two years ago, closer to home, good company, good benifits, better pay...lousy hours.</p><p> </p><p>I stopped working out, stopped walking, stopped doing everything. Lost most contact with that friend from that job. He works days, i work nights. We would see him sometimes at the baseball field with his son. husband would see him at baseball practice and at different parks (friend was an umpire too).</p><p> </p><p>Now I have no friends, put on a ton of weight and things are worse than ever. I am so tired I just have no energy to get to the gym. Yet I cannot sleep because I am so overtired I guess. Maybe stressed. Scared. More like terrified.</p><p> </p><p>I sent my male friend an email a bit ago. Asked if he ever had time off if we could walk. Or even have lunch. But he went through a bout of Cancer, works a second job on his days off and the company he works for (my old company) is moving from Wisconsin/illinois border to Minneapolis. He is moving with the company. Has two months left here now. I moved with the company from Green Bay to Kenosha. easy child was 7. I would never move again like that.</p><p> </p><p>I appreciate your support. Each and every response I read I KNOW you are right. I think about every reply constantly and it is giving me hope and hopefully strength to do something. Even if it is just to work out again.</p><p> </p><p>I feel guilty for not replying to others. I do read, and I do have thoughts. Just not in a good state to offer any advise. I do think about you all and have been reading.</p><p> </p><p>Thank you</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kjs, post: 231342"] I know you guys are right. But I am terrified. About 12 years ago things were like this, little less difficult child though. I started walking. Every night when husband would get home I would leave. I would walk for hours. 5 - 10 miles every night. Spring, Summer, Winter. Walked in rain, snow..didn't matter. Started going to the health club. Sometimes twice a day. (I worked days then on a rotating basis) I would spend 4 hours a day at the health club. It was the hardest thing I ever did to make myself do that. When i would walk I would meet up with a friend from work. A male friend going through similar issues. We walked and walked. Now mind you this was only a friend relationship. He would stop by and talk with husband, his son babysat difficult child, he actually is a household friend. At that time i felt so good. husband actually said once " you don't know how long you are really gone. difficult child misses you". I lost a ton of weight, felt great things got so much better. Then five years ago lost my job, husband lost his job, difficult child in middle school, getting rougher. easy child had to leave college. Dad died. Had to file bancrupcy. Took on night shift jobs. Drove 100 miles a day. never saw anyone. Got this job two years ago, closer to home, good company, good benifits, better pay...lousy hours. I stopped working out, stopped walking, stopped doing everything. Lost most contact with that friend from that job. He works days, i work nights. We would see him sometimes at the baseball field with his son. husband would see him at baseball practice and at different parks (friend was an umpire too). Now I have no friends, put on a ton of weight and things are worse than ever. I am so tired I just have no energy to get to the gym. Yet I cannot sleep because I am so overtired I guess. Maybe stressed. Scared. More like terrified. I sent my male friend an email a bit ago. Asked if he ever had time off if we could walk. Or even have lunch. But he went through a bout of Cancer, works a second job on his days off and the company he works for (my old company) is moving from Wisconsin/illinois border to Minneapolis. He is moving with the company. Has two months left here now. I moved with the company from Green Bay to Kenosha. easy child was 7. I would never move again like that. I appreciate your support. Each and every response I read I KNOW you are right. I think about every reply constantly and it is giving me hope and hopefully strength to do something. Even if it is just to work out again. I feel guilty for not replying to others. I do read, and I do have thoughts. Just not in a good state to offer any advise. I do think about you all and have been reading. Thank you [/QUOTE]
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