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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 678965" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Cedar, if you would be so kind, would you give us references for the one or two readings in the past few days, those most elucidating and helpful to you to understand the residual effects in yourself, of having been parented by a narcissist? Funny Cedar.</p><p>I want to understand you here. We feel we control the blast, by detonating a secondary and greater blast within our own hearts so as to believe we have control in a situation in which we are entirely helpless, with nowhere to go, and nobody to go to. By self-destruction we maintain the fantasy that we have family. The illusion that we have protection. The illusion that we have personal power. A power that we have only to use to destroy parts of ourselves. </p><p></p><p>So there is the lifelong tendency towards self-sabotage. Our second or third maybe defense against an intractable problem is to self-detonate. Blowing up an arm, a leg, a heart, a brain--so as to one, believe we are not absolutely road kill. But at the same time, we engage in child sacrifice. </p><p></p><p>Think about it. When certain tribal societies faced an intractable problem, what did they do. The sacrificed beautiful children at the altar. To placate the Gods. <em>We do it to ourselves. We are placating the gods by our own self-sacrifice. Please G-d, see, I have destroyed myself. Here I offer here to you myself. Please G-d. Let me stay in this home where I have at least the illusion of love.</em></p><p>Yes.</p><p>Yes. </p><p></p><p>Now this I need to better understand. Are you saying, Cedar, that in the face crisis to our children, we commence to detonate blasts inside our own psyches, to:</p><p></p><p>1. Disarm ourselves, the bad internal mother introject, that we attempted to destroy as children. Because remember, we had massive quantities of anger towards our mothers that could not be acted upon. Which when we turned inwards against ourselves, detonated those internal mother-introjects. So is the default when we see a crisis to our children, that cannot be solved, to belief that it was caused the <em>bad mother within us? Who is us. </em></p><p></p><p>Thus we always fear, <em>that we are the bad mothers</em>, because we internalized the badness in our own mothers, turning it against ourselves, both because we could say it was our fault, as did they. It was our badness, always, that was cited as the cause of the mother's rage and response to us. Which is to say, everything was always our fault. And still is.</p><p></p><p>2. Or that as our families disintegrate, as our beloveds crash and burn, as we turn into wild women, crazy with grief, is the self-blast a way to seek control, to regain control, as is the eating disordered or self-cutting adolescent seeks to feel some control through the similar self-destructive mechanism?</p><p></p><p>So to we destroy/punish the bad mother/self so that she can do no more harm? Do we seek to control and understand the utterly horrible situation in which we found ourselves as children, by means of self-sabotage, and re-establish order by pointing to cause and consequence within ourselves, through child-sacrifice, just as did and still may do tribal societies, whether symbolically or not?</p><p>Cedar, at Costco on Thursday they had moleskin journals on special. I bought the package. I have never before journaled. Posting here is the closest I have come. I tried before many years ago but was unable to do it. </p><p></p><p>Cedar, is there a book that you recommend that pointed you to journaling and helped you in getting started? Is it the Julia Cameron books?</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 678965, member: 18958"] Cedar, if you would be so kind, would you give us references for the one or two readings in the past few days, those most elucidating and helpful to you to understand the residual effects in yourself, of having been parented by a narcissist? Funny Cedar. I want to understand you here. We feel we control the blast, by detonating a secondary and greater blast within our own hearts so as to believe we have control in a situation in which we are entirely helpless, with nowhere to go, and nobody to go to. By self-destruction we maintain the fantasy that we have family. The illusion that we have protection. The illusion that we have personal power. A power that we have only to use to destroy parts of ourselves. So there is the lifelong tendency towards self-sabotage. Our second or third maybe defense against an intractable problem is to self-detonate. Blowing up an arm, a leg, a heart, a brain--so as to one, believe we are not absolutely road kill. But at the same time, we engage in child sacrifice. Think about it. When certain tribal societies faced an intractable problem, what did they do. The sacrificed beautiful children at the altar. To placate the Gods. [I]We do it to ourselves. We are placating the gods by our own self-sacrifice. Please G-d, see, I have destroyed myself. Here I offer here to you myself. Please G-d. Let me stay in this home where I have at least the illusion of love.[/I] Yes. Yes. Now this I need to better understand. Are you saying, Cedar, that in the face crisis to our children, we commence to detonate blasts inside our own psyches, to: 1. Disarm ourselves, the bad internal mother introject, that we attempted to destroy as children. Because remember, we had massive quantities of anger towards our mothers that could not be acted upon. Which when we turned inwards against ourselves, detonated those internal mother-introjects. So is the default when we see a crisis to our children, that cannot be solved, to belief that it was caused the [I]bad mother within us? Who is us. [/I] Thus we always fear, [I]that we are the bad mothers[/I], because we internalized the badness in our own mothers, turning it against ourselves, both because we could say it was our fault, as did they. It was our badness, always, that was cited as the cause of the mother's rage and response to us. Which is to say, everything was always our fault. And still is. 2. Or that as our families disintegrate, as our beloveds crash and burn, as we turn into wild women, crazy with grief, is the self-blast a way to seek control, to regain control, as is the eating disordered or self-cutting adolescent seeks to feel some control through the similar self-destructive mechanism? So to we destroy/punish the bad mother/self so that she can do no more harm? Do we seek to control and understand the utterly horrible situation in which we found ourselves as children, by means of self-sabotage, and re-establish order by pointing to cause and consequence within ourselves, through child-sacrifice, just as did and still may do tribal societies, whether symbolically or not? Cedar, at Costco on Thursday they had moleskin journals on special. I bought the package. I have never before journaled. Posting here is the closest I have come. I tried before many years ago but was unable to do it. Cedar, is there a book that you recommend that pointed you to journaling and helped you in getting started? Is it the Julia Cameron books? Thank you. COPA [/QUOTE]
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