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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 679268" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I am learning this Cedar, understanding that it is a part of me. For whatever reason, it was not acceptable when I grew up to have intense feelings. I think it was looked upon as a weakness. I think my parents had no clue about the dynamic between sis and I. She was domineering and mean, I reacted as only I could. I cried.</p><p>Even non-hyper sensitives would have cried. I was bullied.</p><p>My home was not safe for me.</p><p>It was wrong in the worst way Cedar, there was no champion for me. I was a little girl, how was I to stand up to what was happening?</p><p>It became a "norm".</p><p>Now, I must be my own champion. I think that is what is happening here for me in reviewing my FOO. There is no way for me to go back and change things, but I can learn from it. There will be no validation from my FOO. They are blind to this. It has been set in stone for them, that I was the "weak" one, that what happened to me was a "normal" part of childhood. Siblings fight. It is true, they do, but for some reason, my hyper sensitivity just <em>fueled the bullying.</em> That is what I am looking at now. Not that my trait is weak, or bad. Understanding that the more I cried and reacted, the harder my sis pushed.</p><p>They didn't see the bullying, <em>only the crying</em>.</p><p>I think my parents only saw my reaction. <em>That I was a crier</em>. To them, I needed to be "tough". They wanted me to learn to stand up for myself and fight back.</p><p>It was impossible Cedar, not even mom could stand up to my sis.</p><p>She still cannot.</p><p></p><p>I don't for one second, anymore think that<em> I invited this upon me</em>.</p><p><em>I am going for my walk</em></p><p>leafy</p><p></p><p>Okay back now, that was good, the air brisk for the islands, 59. Stars shining and heart pumping, mind thinking.</p><p></p><p>I have to thank all of you guys for walking me through this.</p><p></p><p>So, I have decided that I have looked at my family dynamics and understand enough of it so far, to turn my sites inwards, because after all, the only thing I have control of is me. Knowing that, I have a lot of work to do. I have to build myself back up because I am facing still this ongoing battle with my two, as well as dealing with my moms illness.</p><p></p><p>On my walk I was thinking about the "button". There is a button inside of me that is pressed by stress, or events out of my control. Pressing this button sends me back through time, to the feeling states when I was a child. I see that. I feel it.</p><p></p><p>Hitting this rawness, this place of no where to turn, no where to hide, is hard. It invokes a sort of paralysis. I hit it through the holidays. I could barely move, get out of bed, care for myself. I felt physically ill. I numbed myself to be able to have a sense of joy, but it didn't work, it wasn't real. I played a role for my sons sake. All the while I was grieving for my grands, my two, and I was punishing myself. Eating too many sweets, not enough movement. Looking for anything that could soothe me. I was desperate. Bereft.</p><p></p><p>While walking, I was thinking of this and thinking that when I hit this point, that is when I am my own worst enemy.</p><p>Why?</p><p>Why do we punish ourselves so? Is it because although we have come to realize that what happened to that little girl was wrong, the suffering is somehow ingrained in us and......familiar? A negative comfort zone? It is what we have learned and know?</p><p>I have to find other ways to come through this. Stop self imploding, self deprecation. Fix it Leafy, fix it. That is my quest Cedar. The holy grail.</p><p>Figure out a way to champion that sad little girl with no where to turn.</p><p></p><p> Yes, Cedar, thank you. I am reading "The Highly Sensitive Person" and discovering many things. I posted a thread on exploring sensitivity.</p><p>That is my quest while looking back and understanding my family dynamics. I feel that if I learn how to embrace that part of me that was looked upon as a fault, I can grow stronger.</p><p></p><p>Stop going into the swirly whirly.</p><p></p><p>Time to get ready for work.......</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 679268, member: 19522"] I am learning this Cedar, understanding that it is a part of me. For whatever reason, it was not acceptable when I grew up to have intense feelings. I think it was looked upon as a weakness. I think my parents had no clue about the dynamic between sis and I. She was domineering and mean, I reacted as only I could. I cried. Even non-hyper sensitives would have cried. I was bullied. My home was not safe for me. It was wrong in the worst way Cedar, there was no champion for me. I was a little girl, how was I to stand up to what was happening? It became a "norm". Now, I must be my own champion. I think that is what is happening here for me in reviewing my FOO. There is no way for me to go back and change things, but I can learn from it. There will be no validation from my FOO. They are blind to this. It has been set in stone for them, that I was the "weak" one, that what happened to me was a "normal" part of childhood. Siblings fight. It is true, they do, but for some reason, my hyper sensitivity just [I]fueled the bullying.[/I] That is what I am looking at now. Not that my trait is weak, or bad. Understanding that the more I cried and reacted, the harder my sis pushed. They didn't see the bullying, [I]only the crying[/I]. I think my parents only saw my reaction. [I]That I was a crier[/I]. To them, I needed to be "tough". They wanted me to learn to stand up for myself and fight back. It was impossible Cedar, not even mom could stand up to my sis. She still cannot. I don't for one second, anymore think that[I] I invited this upon me[/I]. [I]I am going for my walk[/I] leafy Okay back now, that was good, the air brisk for the islands, 59. Stars shining and heart pumping, mind thinking. I have to thank all of you guys for walking me through this. So, I have decided that I have looked at my family dynamics and understand enough of it so far, to turn my sites inwards, because after all, the only thing I have control of is me. Knowing that, I have a lot of work to do. I have to build myself back up because I am facing still this ongoing battle with my two, as well as dealing with my moms illness. On my walk I was thinking about the "button". There is a button inside of me that is pressed by stress, or events out of my control. Pressing this button sends me back through time, to the feeling states when I was a child. I see that. I feel it. Hitting this rawness, this place of no where to turn, no where to hide, is hard. It invokes a sort of paralysis. I hit it through the holidays. I could barely move, get out of bed, care for myself. I felt physically ill. I numbed myself to be able to have a sense of joy, but it didn't work, it wasn't real. I played a role for my sons sake. All the while I was grieving for my grands, my two, and I was punishing myself. Eating too many sweets, not enough movement. Looking for anything that could soothe me. I was desperate. Bereft. While walking, I was thinking of this and thinking that when I hit this point, that is when I am my own worst enemy. Why? Why do we punish ourselves so? Is it because although we have come to realize that what happened to that little girl was wrong, the suffering is somehow ingrained in us and......familiar? A negative comfort zone? It is what we have learned and know? I have to find other ways to come through this. Stop self imploding, self deprecation. Fix it Leafy, fix it. That is my quest Cedar. The holy grail. Figure out a way to champion that sad little girl with no where to turn. Yes, Cedar, thank you. I am reading "The Highly Sensitive Person" and discovering many things. I posted a thread on exploring sensitivity. That is my quest while looking back and understanding my family dynamics. I feel that if I learn how to embrace that part of me that was looked upon as a fault, I can grow stronger. Stop going into the swirly whirly. Time to get ready for work....... (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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