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After Narcissistic Abuse Link
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 679287" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Cedar, I still do feel the way she intended me to feel. Humiliated. That somebody (she, my sister) could, would do that to me. I have not gotten over it. It still horrifies me as much as it would have if somebody violated me. Perhaps even more.</p><p>See, Cedar, I did. I always did see the patterns. But my screams to myself were to some extent mute. I give myself the credit that I stayed away. But I did not look away. I had no mechanism to stop the train wreck video, playing it over and over again in my head.</p><p></p><p>Like PTSD. </p><p></p><p>As if I expect myself to have done something affirmative. Like what? Killed her? An honor killing? Yes, maybe it is that. Maybe she triggers the rage and the body memory of what it was for me as a child. Towards my parents, either my mother or father. And I transferred it to her. And that emotion, the internalized rage and self-contempt never has been discharged. </p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 679287, member: 18958"] Cedar, I still do feel the way she intended me to feel. Humiliated. That somebody (she, my sister) could, would do that to me. I have not gotten over it. It still horrifies me as much as it would have if somebody violated me. Perhaps even more. See, Cedar, I did. I always did see the patterns. But my screams to myself were to some extent mute. I give myself the credit that I stayed away. But I did not look away. I had no mechanism to stop the train wreck video, playing it over and over again in my head. Like PTSD. As if I expect myself to have done something affirmative. Like what? Killed her? An honor killing? Yes, maybe it is that. Maybe she triggers the rage and the body memory of what it was for me as a child. Towards my parents, either my mother or father. And I transferred it to her. And that emotion, the internalized rage and self-contempt never has been discharged. COPA [/QUOTE]
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