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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 679293" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am trying to figure this out.</p><p></p><p>This is like when my sister wrote the letter to her then 86 year old mother to tell her she had gotten deadly breast cancer, that it was my mother's fault, and my fault, and that we are toxic to her in every way. Then, why write the letter?</p><p></p><p>Does not the letter itself belie the truth of things? I mean who is the perpetrator here? This duplicity. </p><p></p><p>Your sister saying essentially, Fxx You, Cedar. I am through. But if the Lord wants to mend YOU, go for it, Lord, but I'm out of its. She (Cedar) is a <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />-in piece of <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />. But of course Lord, IF YOU SEE FIT to resurrect garbage, go for it.</p><p></p><p>I mean, look at the hostility of this, shrouded by THE LORD. This is blasphemy, Cedar. She is putting herself on equal footing (or above) the deity. I mean, what absolute grandiosity. And sadism. Covert sadism. On both sisters part.</p><p>How is it lonely, Cedar? She is above THE LORD. She may say she walks with him, on equal footing, but I think she feels above him.</p><p></p><p>She is saying, I have no more to give here. If you choose to clean up this mess, go for it, but I am out of here. She is condescending to THE LORD. Cedar, you do not have a chance (unless you have some secret connections you have yet to disclose.)</p><p>I have been wondering the past few days just what made my mother ally with my sister. I mean, why choose her, over me?</p><p></p><p>My sister is two-faced. My sister is untrustworthy. She is selfish. Why choose her?</p><p>When I am sweet, trustworthy, selfless? It does not make sense, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>I know I removed myself from the equation, but did not my mother see any of it?</p><p>I asked M what my sister looked like when she emerged into the hospital lobby, after she and her daughters left my mother's hospital room. *He had descended earlier, to give us privacy. (Please M, don't go. We do not need privacy, as I grabbed at his leg.)</p><p></p><p><em>He said she looked upset</em>. (That was after my mother had told her--get out of my medical care. You promised.) Oh, how good that made me feel, that at least she looked upset. I mean, I want to see her sweat for a change.</p><p></p><p>Instead of a circus master of ceremonies with her whip and her snarl. As I always climbed back into my cage. For appearances. And then I sneaked out to walk the high wire and dance on horses.</p><p></p><p>That is exactly as it is. I let her have her whip and white uniform and stand on the box to control the 3 rings.</p><p></p><p>While I go off and execute high wire stunts. In secret.</p><p>Yes. How I wish she was healthy, still. So she could keep pulling off high wire stunts. Formerly a<em>bused dog tumbles on the high wire, with her mistress dancing the tango beside her.</em></p><p>If you had guessed, where would we have been going, Cedar?</p><p></p><p>I never know what is happening next. I wonder if this is a defense. In fact, I am never even aware we are going anywhere. Maybe that is why I do not remember why I ran away from home. And deny that I did. I told myself I just wanted to see where the other little girl lived. Her mother called the school when we showed up.</p><p> Yes. There was a moment in the last town hall debate. She was being grilled about taking all the money for speeches for Goldman Sachs. She said, "well that was what they offered." And there was a freeze frame of her face and body. There was the most infinite contempt. And fury. She is a sister, Cedar.</p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>How I feel defeated by myself. How hopeless this feels. <em>What is this hopelessness about? Where I kill myself off. I am doing it again on my thread. Who is this display of self-sacrifice for? It is not an act. But it must be.</em></p><p>Somehow the key is here.</p><p></p><p>I am going some kind of parody, some kind of theater, where my body slumps over, and there is a knife in my back, with blood on the floor.</p><p></p><p>But the villain is hidden. The perpetrator. There are others in the general area. My son. But who is the criminal here? What is the crime?</p><p></p><p>We only see the victim, with blood streaming onto the floor. She says it is self-inflicted. But the angle of the knife? Not possible.</p><p></p><p>This is a murder mystery. And I have not a clue (not) who done it. Except I do. But then I don't.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 679293, member: 18958"] I am trying to figure this out. This is like when my sister wrote the letter to her then 86 year old mother to tell her she had gotten deadly breast cancer, that it was my mother's fault, and my fault, and that we are toxic to her in every way. Then, why write the letter? Does not the letter itself belie the truth of things? I mean who is the perpetrator here? This duplicity. Your sister saying essentially, Fxx You, Cedar. I am through. But if the Lord wants to mend YOU, go for it, Lord, but I'm out of its. She (Cedar) is a :censored2:-in piece of :censored2:. But of course Lord, IF YOU SEE FIT to resurrect garbage, go for it. I mean, look at the hostility of this, shrouded by THE LORD. This is blasphemy, Cedar. She is putting herself on equal footing (or above) the deity. I mean, what absolute grandiosity. And sadism. Covert sadism. On both sisters part. How is it lonely, Cedar? She is above THE LORD. She may say she walks with him, on equal footing, but I think she feels above him. She is saying, I have no more to give here. If you choose to clean up this mess, go for it, but I am out of here. She is condescending to THE LORD. Cedar, you do not have a chance (unless you have some secret connections you have yet to disclose.) I have been wondering the past few days just what made my mother ally with my sister. I mean, why choose her, over me? My sister is two-faced. My sister is untrustworthy. She is selfish. Why choose her? When I am sweet, trustworthy, selfless? It does not make sense, Cedar. I know I removed myself from the equation, but did not my mother see any of it? I asked M what my sister looked like when she emerged into the hospital lobby, after she and her daughters left my mother's hospital room. *He had descended earlier, to give us privacy. (Please M, don't go. We do not need privacy, as I grabbed at his leg.) [I]He said she looked upset[/I]. (That was after my mother had told her--get out of my medical care. You promised.) Oh, how good that made me feel, that at least she looked upset. I mean, I want to see her sweat for a change. Instead of a circus master of ceremonies with her whip and her snarl. As I always climbed back into my cage. For appearances. And then I sneaked out to walk the high wire and dance on horses. That is exactly as it is. I let her have her whip and white uniform and stand on the box to control the 3 rings. While I go off and execute high wire stunts. In secret. Yes. How I wish she was healthy, still. So she could keep pulling off high wire stunts. Formerly a[I]bused dog tumbles on the high wire, with her mistress dancing the tango beside her.[/I] If you had guessed, where would we have been going, Cedar? I never know what is happening next. I wonder if this is a defense. In fact, I am never even aware we are going anywhere. Maybe that is why I do not remember why I ran away from home. And deny that I did. I told myself I just wanted to see where the other little girl lived. Her mother called the school when we showed up. Yes. There was a moment in the last town hall debate. She was being grilled about taking all the money for speeches for Goldman Sachs. She said, "well that was what they offered." And there was a freeze frame of her face and body. There was the most infinite contempt. And fury. She is a sister, Cedar. Yes. How I feel defeated by myself. How hopeless this feels. [I]What is this hopelessness about? Where I kill myself off. I am doing it again on my thread. Who is this display of self-sacrifice for? It is not an act. But it must be.[/I] Somehow the key is here. I am going some kind of parody, some kind of theater, where my body slumps over, and there is a knife in my back, with blood on the floor. But the villain is hidden. The perpetrator. There are others in the general area. My son. But who is the criminal here? What is the crime? We only see the victim, with blood streaming onto the floor. She says it is self-inflicted. But the angle of the knife? Not possible. This is a murder mystery. And I have not a clue (not) who done it. Except I do. But then I don't. COPA [/QUOTE]
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