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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 679383" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Thank you Cedar and thank you for the article. It has some key points that I will be able to use on my quest.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I do not think I knew enough then at the beginning to feel badly about it, I was so young. It was just me.</p><p>I think I began to feel badly about it because it was the <em>focus</em> of the conflict. That's the way I remember it Cedar, then it became that question of who is the liar. Of course I couldn't cut it off, I tried, but there was no way I couldn't react to what was going on. It was mean and hurtful. I was like a play thing to my sibs, something to toy with.</p><p></p><p>In my work with children I see this over and again. People look at kindergarteners as so cute, so innocent, with some of them, there is nothing further from the truth. They are little people with pretty well formed personalitys. Some are manipulative little tyrants, those darn rascals. It is amazing what some of these kids stoop to. I see a pattern of dominant kids picking on the shy more reserved ones, kids acting out, bullying and outright lying to get out of trouble.</p><p>Working with kids helped me to see what I went through.</p><p></p><p>I think my sis was very convincing of her "innocence". Her bullying was done covertly, the only witness was my brother. They were allies. He lied for her. From a very young age, we played outside unsupervised.</p><p>Sis would bully, I would cry, an "inquisition" from mom of sorts would ensue, and I was outnumbered. I was the liar, it was my "imagination". So the focus was on my reaction, not the bullying. The bullying was denied by my sibs and I think my mom believed them. I was labeled from then on. I was the "problem" child. "Don't be such a sissy, leafy."</p><p>I was easily drawn in to my sisters <em>feigned</em> friendship over and over.</p><p>I do have some pleasant family memories, but most of my growing up is overshadowed by this dynamic. It was unrentless.</p><p></p><p>It is denied still, shoved back into the past under lock and key with my FOO. That in of itself can be hurtful. So, yes, I am being very brave, because I am standing up and saying what happened to me was wrong. My folks should have seen what was happening. They didn't.</p><p></p><p>I was repeatedly told over and again that I was just <em>too sensitive</em>, while my brother and sister would wait until they were away from my parents view to leer and cackle at me triumphantly. I would retreat to my room and vow to myself not to play with my sibs, but I was made to go outside.</p><p>This would put me into hyper vigilance.</p><p>Sis had a way of charming me into trusting her which always turned out badly. I was the victim. This was not "normal" sibling rivalry. It was torture. When I told on them, I was then subjected to the " stop crying you are too sensitive, get tough" talk, more secret leering and teasing from my sibs, followed by an onslaught of ramped up bullying "for telling".</p><p>There was no way out.</p><p>So I fell into perfectionism, trying every way I could to be the perfect child, perfect grades. It was never good enough. Nothing I did made it stop.</p><p>The bullying continued on into my pre teens and teens, instead of my brother as a sidekick, sis recruited her friends. They pulled more than a few pranks to embarrass and shame me.</p><p>I was not allowed to speak with her at school, or any of her friends.</p><p>I did make friends of my own, I was not sad and crippled outwardly, but I was on a fast road to self destruct.</p><p>I hated my life, I hated myself.</p><p>I became a d c and dabbled in drugs from 8th grade on. I cut school. I ran with the wrong crowd. I wanted to be high, <em>anything</em> but what I grew up fighting, <em>feeling, I didn't want to feel.</em></p><p>I was tired of being miserable.</p><p>I had low self esteem and didn't much believe in myself. I didn't really aspire to much of anything, except to be loved.</p><p>I wanted children. I wanted to be a mother and make things right by my children. Maybe this is why when my two went off the rails it sent me to a pit of despair. Like Copa wrote, they were my Sleeping Beauty Kiss.</p><p>We are like symphonies and I celebrate that. I love people, I am fascinated with what makes people unique individuals.</p><p></p><p>The wrong " thing" about my sibs is the pleasure they got, by hurting me.</p><p></p><p>They were children.</p><p></p><p>They were children, who went uncorrected and it festered out of control.</p><p></p><p>I wasn't beaten or starved, or anything like that.</p><p></p><p>But my <em>spirit was beaten</em>.</p><p></p><p></p><p>The end result was I went through many times when I didn't care properly for myself. Self sabotage. I took on the role of bullying myself. How strange is that? Reading up on it, it is quite common.</p><p></p><p>I go back to that place and time when deep feelings cause that old "button" to be pressed.</p><p>I become my own tormentor.</p><p></p><p>Recognizing this is important for my healing. Also, I have this propensity to feel guilty about these memories, as if I am whining and lamenting over trivial stuff. I had a roof over my head, food on the table. Parents who loved me. They were a bit lacking on the emotional side and hugs department, but they taught us values and tried their best.</p><p>I am grateful for that.</p><p></p><p>Reading articles about the effect of sibling bullying helps to reel in those guilty feelings and wondering <em>who is the liar. </em>It validates for me what my FOO will not. Why would they? It wasn't validated from the get go.</p><p></p><p>It must have been super confusing for me as a child to have this happen daily, and nothing done about it. So I wonder, did I somehow start to feel that I must have deserved it? Do I resort to self sabotage because that feeling of worthlessness is "normal" for me? Do I need to constantly fight the hard fight, swim against the current, because I grew up that way?</p><p></p><p>I think so. I think even when the stressors are removed I can be my own worst enemy. It is a whole different learning curve.</p><p></p><p>I love my sibs, but find the old dynamics with my sis creeping in when we get closer. She still wants to have control. Knowing this can help me have somewhat of a relationship and gives me tools to be more cautious.</p><p></p><p>I do not think I would have ever gone to therapy for this. Reading and learning here has helped me tremendously. I believe my story. It was a horrible thing for me to grow up subjected to constant belittling, teasing, gas lighting and trickery. I no longer need that to be validated by my sister or my FOO, because I KNOW what happened to me.</p><p></p><p>The real work now, is learning to take better care of myself, and prevent myself from sliding into self sabotage.</p><p></p><p>Thank you Cedar and all.....</p><p></p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 679383, member: 19522"] Thank you Cedar and thank you for the article. It has some key points that I will be able to use on my quest. I do not think I knew enough then at the beginning to feel badly about it, I was so young. It was just me. I think I began to feel badly about it because it was the [I]focus[/I] of the conflict. That's the way I remember it Cedar, then it became that question of who is the liar. Of course I couldn't cut it off, I tried, but there was no way I couldn't react to what was going on. It was mean and hurtful. I was like a play thing to my sibs, something to toy with. In my work with children I see this over and again. People look at kindergarteners as so cute, so innocent, with some of them, there is nothing further from the truth. They are little people with pretty well formed personalitys. Some are manipulative little tyrants, those darn rascals. It is amazing what some of these kids stoop to. I see a pattern of dominant kids picking on the shy more reserved ones, kids acting out, bullying and outright lying to get out of trouble. Working with kids helped me to see what I went through. I think my sis was very convincing of her "innocence". Her bullying was done covertly, the only witness was my brother. They were allies. He lied for her. From a very young age, we played outside unsupervised. Sis would bully, I would cry, an "inquisition" from mom of sorts would ensue, and I was outnumbered. I was the liar, it was my "imagination". So the focus was on my reaction, not the bullying. The bullying was denied by my sibs and I think my mom believed them. I was labeled from then on. I was the "problem" child. "Don't be such a sissy, leafy." I was easily drawn in to my sisters [I]feigned[/I] friendship over and over. I do have some pleasant family memories, but most of my growing up is overshadowed by this dynamic. It was unrentless. It is denied still, shoved back into the past under lock and key with my FOO. That in of itself can be hurtful. So, yes, I am being very brave, because I am standing up and saying what happened to me was wrong. My folks should have seen what was happening. They didn't. I was repeatedly told over and again that I was just [I]too sensitive[/I], while my brother and sister would wait until they were away from my parents view to leer and cackle at me triumphantly. I would retreat to my room and vow to myself not to play with my sibs, but I was made to go outside. This would put me into hyper vigilance. Sis had a way of charming me into trusting her which always turned out badly. I was the victim. This was not "normal" sibling rivalry. It was torture. When I told on them, I was then subjected to the " stop crying you are too sensitive, get tough" talk, more secret leering and teasing from my sibs, followed by an onslaught of ramped up bullying "for telling". There was no way out. So I fell into perfectionism, trying every way I could to be the perfect child, perfect grades. It was never good enough. Nothing I did made it stop. The bullying continued on into my pre teens and teens, instead of my brother as a sidekick, sis recruited her friends. They pulled more than a few pranks to embarrass and shame me. I was not allowed to speak with her at school, or any of her friends. I did make friends of my own, I was not sad and crippled outwardly, but I was on a fast road to self destruct. I hated my life, I hated myself. I became a d c and dabbled in drugs from 8th grade on. I cut school. I ran with the wrong crowd. I wanted to be high, [I]anything[/I] but what I grew up fighting, [I]feeling, I didn't want to feel.[/I] I was tired of being miserable. I had low self esteem and didn't much believe in myself. I didn't really aspire to much of anything, except to be loved. I wanted children. I wanted to be a mother and make things right by my children. Maybe this is why when my two went off the rails it sent me to a pit of despair. Like Copa wrote, they were my Sleeping Beauty Kiss. We are like symphonies and I celebrate that. I love people, I am fascinated with what makes people unique individuals. The wrong " thing" about my sibs is the pleasure they got, by hurting me. They were children. They were children, who went uncorrected and it festered out of control. I wasn't beaten or starved, or anything like that. But my [I]spirit was beaten[/I]. The end result was I went through many times when I didn't care properly for myself. Self sabotage. I took on the role of bullying myself. How strange is that? Reading up on it, it is quite common. I go back to that place and time when deep feelings cause that old "button" to be pressed. I become my own tormentor. Recognizing this is important for my healing. Also, I have this propensity to feel guilty about these memories, as if I am whining and lamenting over trivial stuff. I had a roof over my head, food on the table. Parents who loved me. They were a bit lacking on the emotional side and hugs department, but they taught us values and tried their best. I am grateful for that. Reading articles about the effect of sibling bullying helps to reel in those guilty feelings and wondering [I]who is the liar. [/I]It validates for me what my FOO will not. Why would they? It wasn't validated from the get go. It must have been super confusing for me as a child to have this happen daily, and nothing done about it. So I wonder, did I somehow start to feel that I must have deserved it? Do I resort to self sabotage because that feeling of worthlessness is "normal" for me? Do I need to constantly fight the hard fight, swim against the current, because I grew up that way? I think so. I think even when the stressors are removed I can be my own worst enemy. It is a whole different learning curve. I love my sibs, but find the old dynamics with my sis creeping in when we get closer. She still wants to have control. Knowing this can help me have somewhat of a relationship and gives me tools to be more cautious. I do not think I would have ever gone to therapy for this. Reading and learning here has helped me tremendously. I believe my story. It was a horrible thing for me to grow up subjected to constant belittling, teasing, gas lighting and trickery. I no longer need that to be validated by my sister or my FOO, because I KNOW what happened to me. The real work now, is learning to take better care of myself, and prevent myself from sliding into self sabotage. Thank you Cedar and all..... (((Hugs))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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