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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 679465" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Thank you Copa, of course you have your perspective.</p><p></p><p>I think I have not expressed myself clearly enough. I apologize. I might be digging myself in deeper trying to rephrase but here goes. Young children have behaviors and act out in ways that surprise some people. Not all people, some people.These small, cute bundles of joy and energy are trying to find their way. In my case, growing up, I was an extremely shy, bundle of feelings. My sister was very domineering and mean, but could put on an act for my parents. They chose to focus on helping me to stand up.</p><p>Which caused me to focus on that <em>something must be wrong with me. </em></p><p></p><p>I was not trying to get into a psychological discussion on passive aggressiveness or anything, just trying to explain how it may have been in my case that my sis and bro were capable at a very young age of being mean and manipulative and controlling.</p><p>I reacted by crying, and the focus was on getting me to stop crying, not correcting the mean behavior.</p><p></p><p>We were neither good or bad, we were children. </p><p></p><p>I grew up in this dynamic and it affected me detrimentally. To this day, I can sink to those feeling states if I am not careful. I am going to the core of those states here on FOO, by writing it out. Something that has affected me my entire life. I am not this poor pitiful thing anymore, but, I do have a propensity to allow dominant types to walk on me. This is the whole reason for being here. I do also, have a way of overanalyzing things and feeling hurt and withdrawing for self protection. I have to find ways to not go there. Forgive me if I am wrong, I am going against the grain to write the following.......</p><p></p><p>So, my friends, when this couple of sentences were focused on and expounded on, I felt blasted and overwhelmed. Okay, I was mad for a bit, like the point was missed entirely. You are very intelligent women and I appreciate your comments and help. Is this victim thinking? Am I taking it to a place I shouldn't? </p><p></p><p>Please understand that I am going somewhere very deep, and I may write things that you feel need correction, but I feel like my words have been misconstrued, and picked apart, rather than the context of what I am trying to get across. That was really, really hard for me to write. I am totally exposing myself, naked. Do I drive people away, because I am just to damn sensitive? Oh my God, am I whining? I am sorry but that is how it felt to me. See? I am sensitive. But I am also standing up a bit and being honest. It scares me, because I don't want to be misconstrued again. I may be digging another hole by trying to explain this...... I am not to your level of intelligence, I didn't even go to college....I marvel at your writing and sometimes am a bit intimidated. I have stepped into a room of intellectuals and I am just a farm girl. .......I have to read your posts over and over to get the fullness of them. I look words up, google names and books. <em>I am trying to keep up with you guys and you are way beyond my level. </em>My university is Google, really. </p><p></p><p> Please understand that what I have written here comes from a very deep place. I feel that my wording touched upon an area that you are passionate about. I respect and honor your opinion. It's cool.</p><p>Please don't tip toe around me either. I wont break. It takes me awhile to process things and go through the feelings to get to a logical, rational place. If I have offended again, I am sorry. I am feeling pretty ignorant right now and I may or may not erase this. If I post it, I have gone completely bonkers........I have exposed my innards. I am excoriated. Yuck.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't think I can even begin to match your knowledge and study of psychology.</p><p>But, I do have a differing opinion. I don't think babies are born a blank slate or neutral. I think they have some innate traits and personalities that are influenced and built upon by environment, nurturing and culture. </p><p>Yes, neither good or bad. As I wrote earlier innocence was the wrong word to use.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking Copa about that, was I angry? Good question. <em>I must have been</em>.</p><p> I couldn't retaliate, I was outnumbered. It would have been futile. I was more fearful than anything, at that young age. I was powerless.</p><p>I recall being frustrated and hurt. I <em>was broken</em>. Crushed. Confused.</p><p>Pitiful.</p><p>I was the tale between my legs urinating lowest dog in the pack, at home.</p><p>Literally, I wet my pants up until the third grade. It was like I didn't even listen to my own body.........</p><p> In school, I thrived, it was my place of refuge, the one place where I could have some feeling of equality, escape, it was an escape. Justice, even. </p><p></p><p>At home, it was survival mode, and how I survived was by becoming docile and invisible.</p><p>That was me, up until I hit puberty.</p><p>I didn't stand up for myself until 7th grade.</p><p>I refused to be sis slave.</p><p>Get me this, get me that....I dared say "Get it yourself". That was HUGE. I remember when I said it. My sister glared at me. She was pissed. How dare I?</p><p></p><p>Things got way worse after that.</p><p>The torment ramped up. </p><p>I did everything I could,<em> not to be home</em>.</p><p>I hated sis, but I hated myself more.</p><p>That was probably my anger, leveled at myself.</p><p>Still and then, all I ever wanted was to be my sisters friend. I think that is why I internalized everything into a self hatred. She was good to her friends, it must have been me. I felt broken. </p><p></p><p>Most of the stuff that happened was when I was young.</p><p>My sis and I became "friends" as adults. Then I realized it was pretty one sided, as long as I did what she wanted...it was all good. Sigh.</p><p>We are all so far away from one another.</p><p>When we argued this fall, it was because I was upset with how she had spoken to my mom, and I verbalized that. I think she was completely caught off guard.I spoke calmly and expressed she was being harsh. She exploded immediately. How dare I question her? I did not back down and shrink as usual.</p><p>The dynamic is changing and I am finally speaking my mind, and it is something she is not used to.</p><p></p><p>I do love her and my family, which makes this process all the more confusing.</p><p>I feel like I am betraying them when I write.</p><p>I am still compelled to explore it because to not is <em>self betrayal</em>.</p><p>Maybe I am angry now. Because I can be angry.</p><p></p><p>Surfing, sports, brought out an aggressive side, I was like a whole different person.....</p><p></p><p>I can be competitive, maybe that is my aggression?</p><p>I have never had a desire to hurt anybody, well that's wrong, I have hurt myself. </p><p>Stifled my art, stayed too long in an abusive relationship, let my two run over me. </p><p>It is almost as if the past.... I am recreating to do over. </p><p>Is that what it is?</p><p> Like some macabre de ja vu? </p><p>Reinventing self, through similar situations........</p><p> Of course I have done stupid things and hurt people. I am certainly no saint.</p><p></p><p>I think this is true, be honest and own who and what we are. When the definition is hard to pinpoint, that is an issue. When the foundation of the definition is built on shaky ground, it is worth examination. Then there is the whole who is the liar question? What I am looking at was 55 years ago.</p><p></p><p> This. </p><p>This is it. This is how it feels to be me. </p><p>Oh, I have grown and overcome many things, I have found a voice here and there.</p><p></p><p>I don't feel like running people over, but I do get angry at aggressive drivers and I admit, gleefully slow down when people tail me.</p><p></p><p>I don't like the people in the non-profit who are manipulative and conniving. My friend who was so poorly mistreated along with those of us who dared oppose the craziness, wants to get back on the board and <em>get them off</em>. </p><p>I wash my hands of it completely. Walking away. </p><p>I don't think that is cowardly, I think it is smart. </p><p>There are other people who can come along and try to be the saviors.</p><p></p><p>So there you have it. I thank you for allowing me to write here. I do apologize if I have offended anyone. You guys are just too smart for me. </p><p>I am deciding what to do. I am feeling pretty low right now. Foolish. </p><p>I am very sad today.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry Copa and Cedar for what you went through with your FOO. It is a very different experience than mine. You are in a different place on this journey, and I am a latecomer. </p><p></p><p>I have a really bad case of the stupids and uglies, but I have to get going to work, I missed my walk, and I probably should have just gone and thought things through before I sat down to write. </p><p></p><p>Please don't be mad at me. </p><p>Going out on a limb and posting.</p><p></p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 679465, member: 19522"] Thank you Copa, of course you have your perspective. I think I have not expressed myself clearly enough. I apologize. I might be digging myself in deeper trying to rephrase but here goes. Young children have behaviors and act out in ways that surprise some people. Not all people, some people.These small, cute bundles of joy and energy are trying to find their way. In my case, growing up, I was an extremely shy, bundle of feelings. My sister was very domineering and mean, but could put on an act for my parents. They chose to focus on helping me to stand up. Which caused me to focus on that [I]something must be wrong with me. [/I] I was not trying to get into a psychological discussion on passive aggressiveness or anything, just trying to explain how it may have been in my case that my sis and bro were capable at a very young age of being mean and manipulative and controlling. I reacted by crying, and the focus was on getting me to stop crying, not correcting the mean behavior. We were neither good or bad, we were children. I grew up in this dynamic and it affected me detrimentally. To this day, I can sink to those feeling states if I am not careful. I am going to the core of those states here on FOO, by writing it out. Something that has affected me my entire life. I am not this poor pitiful thing anymore, but, I do have a propensity to allow dominant types to walk on me. This is the whole reason for being here. I do also, have a way of overanalyzing things and feeling hurt and withdrawing for self protection. I have to find ways to not go there. Forgive me if I am wrong, I am going against the grain to write the following....... So, my friends, when this couple of sentences were focused on and expounded on, I felt blasted and overwhelmed. Okay, I was mad for a bit, like the point was missed entirely. You are very intelligent women and I appreciate your comments and help. Is this victim thinking? Am I taking it to a place I shouldn't? Please understand that I am going somewhere very deep, and I may write things that you feel need correction, but I feel like my words have been misconstrued, and picked apart, rather than the context of what I am trying to get across. That was really, really hard for me to write. I am totally exposing myself, naked. Do I drive people away, because I am just to damn sensitive? Oh my God, am I whining? I am sorry but that is how it felt to me. See? I am sensitive. But I am also standing up a bit and being honest. It scares me, because I don't want to be misconstrued again. I may be digging another hole by trying to explain this...... I am not to your level of intelligence, I didn't even go to college....I marvel at your writing and sometimes am a bit intimidated. I have stepped into a room of intellectuals and I am just a farm girl. .......I have to read your posts over and over to get the fullness of them. I look words up, google names and books. [I]I am trying to keep up with you guys and you are way beyond my level. [/I]My university is Google, really. Please understand that what I have written here comes from a very deep place. I feel that my wording touched upon an area that you are passionate about. I respect and honor your opinion. It's cool. Please don't tip toe around me either. I wont break. It takes me awhile to process things and go through the feelings to get to a logical, rational place. If I have offended again, I am sorry. I am feeling pretty ignorant right now and I may or may not erase this. If I post it, I have gone completely bonkers........I have exposed my innards. I am excoriated. Yuck. I don't think I can even begin to match your knowledge and study of psychology. But, I do have a differing opinion. I don't think babies are born a blank slate or neutral. I think they have some innate traits and personalities that are influenced and built upon by environment, nurturing and culture. Yes, neither good or bad. As I wrote earlier innocence was the wrong word to use. I am thinking Copa about that, was I angry? Good question. [I]I must have been[/I]. I couldn't retaliate, I was outnumbered. It would have been futile. I was more fearful than anything, at that young age. I was powerless. I recall being frustrated and hurt. I [I]was broken[/I]. Crushed. Confused. Pitiful. I was the tale between my legs urinating lowest dog in the pack, at home. Literally, I wet my pants up until the third grade. It was like I didn't even listen to my own body......... In school, I thrived, it was my place of refuge, the one place where I could have some feeling of equality, escape, it was an escape. Justice, even. At home, it was survival mode, and how I survived was by becoming docile and invisible. That was me, up until I hit puberty. I didn't stand up for myself until 7th grade. I refused to be sis slave. Get me this, get me that....I dared say "Get it yourself". That was HUGE. I remember when I said it. My sister glared at me. She was pissed. How dare I? Things got way worse after that. The torment ramped up. I did everything I could,[I] not to be home[/I]. I hated sis, but I hated myself more. That was probably my anger, leveled at myself. Still and then, all I ever wanted was to be my sisters friend. I think that is why I internalized everything into a self hatred. She was good to her friends, it must have been me. I felt broken. Most of the stuff that happened was when I was young. My sis and I became "friends" as adults. Then I realized it was pretty one sided, as long as I did what she wanted...it was all good. Sigh. We are all so far away from one another. When we argued this fall, it was because I was upset with how she had spoken to my mom, and I verbalized that. I think she was completely caught off guard.I spoke calmly and expressed she was being harsh. She exploded immediately. How dare I question her? I did not back down and shrink as usual. The dynamic is changing and I am finally speaking my mind, and it is something she is not used to. I do love her and my family, which makes this process all the more confusing. I feel like I am betraying them when I write. I am still compelled to explore it because to not is [I]self betrayal[/I]. Maybe I am angry now. Because I can be angry. Surfing, sports, brought out an aggressive side, I was like a whole different person..... I can be competitive, maybe that is my aggression? I have never had a desire to hurt anybody, well that's wrong, I have hurt myself. Stifled my art, stayed too long in an abusive relationship, let my two run over me. It is almost as if the past.... I am recreating to do over. Is that what it is? Like some macabre de ja vu? Reinventing self, through similar situations........ Of course I have done stupid things and hurt people. I am certainly no saint. I think this is true, be honest and own who and what we are. When the definition is hard to pinpoint, that is an issue. When the foundation of the definition is built on shaky ground, it is worth examination. Then there is the whole who is the liar question? What I am looking at was 55 years ago. This. This is it. This is how it feels to be me. Oh, I have grown and overcome many things, I have found a voice here and there. I don't feel like running people over, but I do get angry at aggressive drivers and I admit, gleefully slow down when people tail me. I don't like the people in the non-profit who are manipulative and conniving. My friend who was so poorly mistreated along with those of us who dared oppose the craziness, wants to get back on the board and [I]get them off[/I]. I wash my hands of it completely. Walking away. I don't think that is cowardly, I think it is smart. There are other people who can come along and try to be the saviors. So there you have it. I thank you for allowing me to write here. I do apologize if I have offended anyone. You guys are just too smart for me. I am deciding what to do. I am feeling pretty low right now. Foolish. I am very sad today. I am sorry Copa and Cedar for what you went through with your FOO. It is a very different experience than mine. You are in a different place on this journey, and I am a latecomer. I have a really bad case of the stupids and uglies, but I have to get going to work, I missed my walk, and I probably should have just gone and thought things through before I sat down to write. Please don't be mad at me. Going out on a limb and posting. leafy [/QUOTE]
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