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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 679791" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I found it interesting that in another article this myth was compared to our modern day lives of repeating the same tasks, over and over, housework, a mundane job, etc. Even in simple repetitive tasks- we, too, can be happy with our lives.....It reminds me of Cedar's Benedictines and chopping onions.....</p><p></p><p>Yes, I find this to be true. False bravado, and even self deprecation. It is almost as if I can fend off potential hurt, by sabotaging myself.<em> No one can hurt me, any worse then I have already hurt myself.</em></p><p> Although it is hard, I am glad that I have reached this place. I tried to work this out with my sibs, a few times, but they rejected and scoffed at the thought. "You need to forget this stuff, the past is the past." Now I am understanding that I am not <em>living</em> in the past, it is living in me and directing the flow of emotions. This is why, when things get stressful and raw, it all comes whirling back,<em> the feelings are the same</em>.</p><p></p><p> I ordered the book, Cedar. It should be coming next week. Thank you.</p><p> I would like to learn this, to not let those feelings take over. To wash out all of the excrement left over from those experiences.</p><p></p><p>I have felt that paralysis, a thousand times over.</p><p></p><p> I will work on this Cedar. Feelings are wonderful, but they are feelings, a part of me, not me.</p><p></p><p> Thank you, I will try to catch myself.</p><p></p><p> This would be freeing.</p><p></p><p> It was a lie Cedar, I was their little sister, not a burden or a thing to get rid of. I understand why I was so shy as a child, I took that third wheel feeling with me, even carried it over to my adult life. I have always felt there was something about me that didn't fit in. It was a realization of differences in people which I do celebrate, but there was always this underlying message in myself that I was the odd one. It was in a way giving permission to be treated badly in some instances. Does that make sense?</p><p>You know Cedar, I guess it took first for me to believe what happened was <em>real</em>. I went from wondering if I was crazy and it was my imagination.....it wasn't. I know it was wrong, but was it real? I have internalized so much....why do we do that?</p><p></p><p>This is true, that internalization that I have carried. That little voice inside my head, self doubt. I have fought it all of my life.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry Cedar this happened to you. You are such a smart, kind sweet person.</p><p></p><p>I like this thought to turn it all into something that enriches. Also, that it is my job to change the course of the river, regardless if there is validation or not. I had always thought part of the key to my healing would be acknowledgment from my FOO that this stuff happened. That acknowledgement will never be there. I can be my own worst enemy, but I am also my only advocate in this. Except of course for you guys, who have helped me see so much. For this I am forever indebted.</p><p></p><p>Thank you Cedar, this made me cry. Joyful, thankful tears.</p><p></p><p> You are funny, yes that is why they are cute.</p><p></p><p> Embrace the mat. Though these memories are painful, yes they did form me.</p><p></p><p> I think I will make a sign over my mirror, be kinder to yourself. I write it to many here in my responses. Be kind to yourself.</p><p>I was thinking that all of these years my weight has yoyo'd up and down, how good it feels to be fit, eat right. I think I have retained weight as a punishment and a sort of protection. I am going to work on a be kinder way of taking better care of myself......</p><p>Thank you Cedar. Your response was very uplifting and empowering. There are no words to properly express my appreciation.</p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p><p>Abundantly grateful hugs</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 679791, member: 19522"] I found it interesting that in another article this myth was compared to our modern day lives of repeating the same tasks, over and over, housework, a mundane job, etc. Even in simple repetitive tasks- we, too, can be happy with our lives.....It reminds me of Cedar's Benedictines and chopping onions..... Yes, I find this to be true. False bravado, and even self deprecation. It is almost as if I can fend off potential hurt, by sabotaging myself.[I] No one can hurt me, any worse then I have already hurt myself.[/I] Although it is hard, I am glad that I have reached this place. I tried to work this out with my sibs, a few times, but they rejected and scoffed at the thought. "You need to forget this stuff, the past is the past." Now I am understanding that I am not [I]living[/I] in the past, it is living in me and directing the flow of emotions. This is why, when things get stressful and raw, it all comes whirling back,[I] the feelings are the same[/I]. I ordered the book, Cedar. It should be coming next week. Thank you. I would like to learn this, to not let those feelings take over. To wash out all of the excrement left over from those experiences. I have felt that paralysis, a thousand times over. I will work on this Cedar. Feelings are wonderful, but they are feelings, a part of me, not me. Thank you, I will try to catch myself. This would be freeing. It was a lie Cedar, I was their little sister, not a burden or a thing to get rid of. I understand why I was so shy as a child, I took that third wheel feeling with me, even carried it over to my adult life. I have always felt there was something about me that didn't fit in. It was a realization of differences in people which I do celebrate, but there was always this underlying message in myself that I was the odd one. It was in a way giving permission to be treated badly in some instances. Does that make sense? You know Cedar, I guess it took first for me to believe what happened was [I]real[/I]. I went from wondering if I was crazy and it was my imagination.....it wasn't. I know it was wrong, but was it real? I have internalized so much....why do we do that? This is true, that internalization that I have carried. That little voice inside my head, self doubt. I have fought it all of my life. I am sorry Cedar this happened to you. You are such a smart, kind sweet person. I like this thought to turn it all into something that enriches. Also, that it is my job to change the course of the river, regardless if there is validation or not. I had always thought part of the key to my healing would be acknowledgment from my FOO that this stuff happened. That acknowledgement will never be there. I can be my own worst enemy, but I am also my only advocate in this. Except of course for you guys, who have helped me see so much. For this I am forever indebted. Thank you Cedar, this made me cry. Joyful, thankful tears. You are funny, yes that is why they are cute. Embrace the mat. Though these memories are painful, yes they did form me. I think I will make a sign over my mirror, be kinder to yourself. I write it to many here in my responses. Be kind to yourself. I was thinking that all of these years my weight has yoyo'd up and down, how good it feels to be fit, eat right. I think I have retained weight as a punishment and a sort of protection. I am going to work on a be kinder way of taking better care of myself...... Thank you Cedar. Your response was very uplifting and empowering. There are no words to properly express my appreciation. :hugs: Abundantly grateful hugs Leafy [/QUOTE]
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