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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 679825" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I would interpret this to be: Because those around you were so certain of themselves, you may have labeled your inability to draw instantaneous conclusions (without adequate knowledge ~ no one gets everything right, every time) self doubt. You labeled not being a boorish braggart of a person who believes he or she is automatically correct about every smallest thing <em>shy</em>. But what if you are neither shy nor self doubting so much as someone who effortlessly sees both sides of every issue, enabling yourself to savor and wring meaning from and create new interpretations ~ some right, some off in left field ~ while others are digging in, reworking and defending their positions?</p><p></p><p>It truly is all in our self talk, Leafy. So whoever it was that taught us the way we were to think about ourselves, that is where the self talk is coming from. That is why we believe it. Because we trusted those around us, those in our families, to have our best interests at heart.</p><p></p><p>We are adults, now. When we understand the harm in some of the ways we were taught to see ourselves, we have the power, the absolute power, to change those interpretations of self. As you post Leafy, notice the words you use to describe yourself. Imagine other interpretations of those words.</p><p></p><p>Those interpretations are as valid as the hurtful interpretations.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't know why, Leafy. I only know that if other things in our upbringing were less than cherishing or supportive, then we have that tendency to think badly of ourselves. That is the place we can work, now.</p><p></p><p>How we see ourselves. How we interpret what we see. Whether that is a cruel interpretation. Whether there are things about ourselves we wish to change. Where to begin. Everything so complex. That is why I say it is best for us to begin simply: Kinder. And as the feelings come up for us (we are meant to heal, meant to be whole beings, contributing to everything that is) we can choose compassion. For ourselves, for our abusers (eventually). We can look at what we need to look at for our own sakes and go back as we understand more, seeing not only ourselves, but our abusers too, with compassion.</p><p></p><p>I don't know why bad things happen, but I don't think anyone sets out to do bad.</p><p></p><p>I think we are good.</p><p></p><p>Things just get all confused. The next thing you know, there we are defending positions we don't really understand why we took in the first place.</p><p></p><p>And then, maybe this is true, that is when bad things happen.</p><p></p><p>Whatever. The point I was making (and I do have one, per Ellen D.) is that we can trust ourselves to guide us well in our healing. We set the intent. We remind ourselves of kinder and of compassion for ourselves, for those little girls or little boys who were us and who not only did not get what they needed, but may have had horrific, terrible things happen to them. But here we all are. Alive. We lived.</p><p></p><p>We can do anything.</p><p></p><p>Anything at all, and there is no one to stop us now but ourselves and our decency and compassion and joy. Which sounds hokey, but is actually pretty true.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you, Leafy. In my secret heart, I believe we all are kind, smart, so sweet. But we have been hurt. All of us, hurting in some ways, joyful in so many ways, strong in so many ways. Life is long, but it seems very short. If we can get it that sometimes, people who hurt us do not even see us. They see their own hurt. They are trapped in a kind of nightmare and don't know how to see their ways out.</p><p></p><p>Then, which is our only responsibility, we can learn to reinterpret what happened to us and transform ourselves by healing and coming whole. And that is how we all make all the difference in the world for one another.</p><p></p><p>Very hard to do that, though.</p><p></p><p>Which is why I had to put my mother in the CD motorcycle.</p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p>It's working well for me, to do that. It isn't that I don't love my mother and my sister and brothers and all of my family. It truly is that for some reason that doesn't matter because I am never going to be able to figure out the why of it, my family of origin has followed and come to believe in self destructive, defeatist, victim-requiring thinking.</p><p></p><p>I cannot change that for them.</p><p></p><p>But I have all the power in the world to change how they taught me to value my own beautiful life, my own breath and all the colors in the world.</p><p></p><p>We are so fortunate to be living.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am so proud of you, New leaf.</p><p></p><p>You know I am all about internal versus external locus of control.</p><p></p><p>External is where they matter more than we do, to ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Internal locus of control is where we are there, firmly ensconced in our own centers Leafy, guiding our paths with our chosen words. For me: Kinder, and compassion. (Just for the record, you guys. Sometimes I slip into biatch mode. Go figure. So, we have to stop demanding of ourselves that we are perfect, or that we have to sacrifice even one minute of our beautiful being alive beating ourselves up because we did something nasty or foolish. Once we learn that, we can be kinder to ourselves, and learn to see our ridiculous errors we are bound to make with compassion. And the next thing we know, and I swear this is true...we are able to be kinder, and more compassionate, to everyone else in our lives. </p><p></p><p>Even our D H.</p><p></p><p>And then, they are kinder to us.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Good, Leafy. That means you believed it. Think about it, though. Why else would everything be exactly as it is. We don't have to understand it. I don't. But sometimes, years later, I will see how everything mattered.</p><p></p><p>So, all we can do is our best we know.</p><p></p><p>And to do our best, to be our strongest, best selves, we need to heal.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You know, when I think about Copa and Serenity and IC and how they stayed right with me in my own roaring around half-cocked healing and trying to figure things out, I am ~ I don't know, Leafy. It's supposed to be this way. It's happening exactly this way all over the world and it has always been this way. It's a very hard thing to be human. We need to help one another, and we do.</p><p></p><p>Remember what Mr. Rogers said? No matter how bad things get, if we look for them, we will see the helpers.</p><p></p><p>That's us.</p><p></p><p>We're doing a pretty good job too, I think, all of us together here.</p><p></p><p>We are doing good work. </p><p></p><p>It's an amazing thing, when you think about it. This site has changed our lives. Not only FOO Chronicles, but the way we all support one another here, and feel for one another and for one anothers' children. </p><p></p><p>And Dolly.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 679825, member: 17461"] I would interpret this to be: Because those around you were so certain of themselves, you may have labeled your inability to draw instantaneous conclusions (without adequate knowledge ~ no one gets everything right, every time) self doubt. You labeled not being a boorish braggart of a person who believes he or she is automatically correct about every smallest thing [I]shy[/I]. But what if you are neither shy nor self doubting so much as someone who effortlessly sees both sides of every issue, enabling yourself to savor and wring meaning from and create new interpretations ~ some right, some off in left field ~ while others are digging in, reworking and defending their positions? It truly is all in our self talk, Leafy. So whoever it was that taught us the way we were to think about ourselves, that is where the self talk is coming from. That is why we believe it. Because we trusted those around us, those in our families, to have our best interests at heart. We are adults, now. When we understand the harm in some of the ways we were taught to see ourselves, we have the power, the absolute power, to change those interpretations of self. As you post Leafy, notice the words you use to describe yourself. Imagine other interpretations of those words. Those interpretations are as valid as the hurtful interpretations. I don't know why, Leafy. I only know that if other things in our upbringing were less than cherishing or supportive, then we have that tendency to think badly of ourselves. That is the place we can work, now. How we see ourselves. How we interpret what we see. Whether that is a cruel interpretation. Whether there are things about ourselves we wish to change. Where to begin. Everything so complex. That is why I say it is best for us to begin simply: Kinder. And as the feelings come up for us (we are meant to heal, meant to be whole beings, contributing to everything that is) we can choose compassion. For ourselves, for our abusers (eventually). We can look at what we need to look at for our own sakes and go back as we understand more, seeing not only ourselves, but our abusers too, with compassion. I don't know why bad things happen, but I don't think anyone sets out to do bad. I think we are good. Things just get all confused. The next thing you know, there we are defending positions we don't really understand why we took in the first place. And then, maybe this is true, that is when bad things happen. Whatever. The point I was making (and I do have one, per Ellen D.) is that we can trust ourselves to guide us well in our healing. We set the intent. We remind ourselves of kinder and of compassion for ourselves, for those little girls or little boys who were us and who not only did not get what they needed, but may have had horrific, terrible things happen to them. But here we all are. Alive. We lived. We can do anything. Anything at all, and there is no one to stop us now but ourselves and our decency and compassion and joy. Which sounds hokey, but is actually pretty true. Thank you, Leafy. In my secret heart, I believe we all are kind, smart, so sweet. But we have been hurt. All of us, hurting in some ways, joyful in so many ways, strong in so many ways. Life is long, but it seems very short. If we can get it that sometimes, people who hurt us do not even see us. They see their own hurt. They are trapped in a kind of nightmare and don't know how to see their ways out. Then, which is our only responsibility, we can learn to reinterpret what happened to us and transform ourselves by healing and coming whole. And that is how we all make all the difference in the world for one another. Very hard to do that, though. Which is why I had to put my mother in the CD motorcycle. Ahem. It's working well for me, to do that. It isn't that I don't love my mother and my sister and brothers and all of my family. It truly is that for some reason that doesn't matter because I am never going to be able to figure out the why of it, my family of origin has followed and come to believe in self destructive, defeatist, victim-requiring thinking. I cannot change that for them. But I have all the power in the world to change how they taught me to value my own beautiful life, my own breath and all the colors in the world. We are so fortunate to be living. I am so proud of you, New leaf. You know I am all about internal versus external locus of control. External is where they matter more than we do, to ourselves. Internal locus of control is where we are there, firmly ensconced in our own centers Leafy, guiding our paths with our chosen words. For me: Kinder, and compassion. (Just for the record, you guys. Sometimes I slip into biatch mode. Go figure. So, we have to stop demanding of ourselves that we are perfect, or that we have to sacrifice even one minute of our beautiful being alive beating ourselves up because we did something nasty or foolish. Once we learn that, we can be kinder to ourselves, and learn to see our ridiculous errors we are bound to make with compassion. And the next thing we know, and I swear this is true...we are able to be kinder, and more compassionate, to everyone else in our lives. Even our D H. And then, they are kinder to us. Huh. :O) Good, Leafy. That means you believed it. Think about it, though. Why else would everything be exactly as it is. We don't have to understand it. I don't. But sometimes, years later, I will see how everything mattered. So, all we can do is our best we know. And to do our best, to be our strongest, best selves, we need to heal. You know, when I think about Copa and Serenity and IC and how they stayed right with me in my own roaring around half-cocked healing and trying to figure things out, I am ~ I don't know, Leafy. It's supposed to be this way. It's happening exactly this way all over the world and it has always been this way. It's a very hard thing to be human. We need to help one another, and we do. Remember what Mr. Rogers said? No matter how bad things get, if we look for them, we will see the helpers. That's us. We're doing a pretty good job too, I think, all of us together here. We are doing good work. It's an amazing thing, when you think about it. This site has changed our lives. Not only FOO Chronicles, but the way we all support one another here, and feel for one another and for one anothers' children. And Dolly. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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