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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 680683" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Yes, so close in age and <em>innocent, </em>and yet<em>, children are capable of being hurtful and mean. </em> We were left alone at a young age (5,6 and 7) to play outside in the yard while Mom cleaned house and took care of my lil sis. This was not uncommon where I grew up. The stage was set, and sis quickly became the "boss".</p><p>This article describes almost to the t what it was like for me, growing up in my household.</p><p><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/teen-angst/201404/sibling-bullying" target="_blank">https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/teen-angst/201404/sibling-bullying</a></p><p>My folks didn't stop it, in a way, I think they couldn't stop it. I don't even think they knew or understood the extent of it. Studies on sibling bullying and the effects are being reported on only recently.</p><p>Certainly, adults are responsible for looking after very young children. The times we grew up in were different. Children were not constantly monitored. We lived in a rural area, and kids in my neighborhood played together in each others yards without adult supervision. We roamed the neighborhood freely.</p><p>The purpose of reviewing my childhood is not to place blame, but to understand what I went through and how it shaped and affected me into my adult life.</p><p>This pattern of bullying continued until my teenaged years. Home was not a safe place for me.</p><p>While this is true in certain cases, it was not for me. It was very confusing to be treated badly, cry because my feelings were hurt, then be told to "man up". I understand that my parents were trying to toughen me up, to be ready to go out into a harsh world. Crying was never a win for me. I was reacting normally, to being treated poorly. My parents responded negatively to crying, so there was really no place for me to turn to.</p><p>I don't necessarily look at crying as losing either. It is a response to an emotional situation. Some people cry more readily than others. I cry when I am happy, at beautiful music, movies. It is just a part of me. I am okay with it.</p><p></p><p>As far as my sibling relationships now, I am seldom with them, because of the distance between us. The past few years have been particularly emotionally charged because of Dads illness and death, then Moms illness. The old patterns emerge. What is interesting, is that sis's domineering personality and insistence at having things go her way, has created rifts in her relationship with brother and lil sis. It has been sort of an "ah hah" moment for them.</p><p></p><p>What I do need to be careful of, is triangulating. This happened when Dad was very ill, and older sis would call me. Her spin on things was very different from my other sibs. Looking back, I can see that sis was trying to sway me to her corner. She was successful at this at one point. Now, I find when my opinion differs, she gets very angry with me. She is entitled to feel as she does. What I have to remember, is that sometimes, the past comes roaring back and I react with overwhelming feelings and role. I need to hold onto myself and be real.</p><p></p><p>Despite all of this, I do have some very fond memories of growing up. My folks did the best job they could.</p><p></p><p> I do have to be mindful of not falling back into patterns of self loathing. I take on the role of being my own bully. That is where I want to go with all of this, create healthier habits, turn down the negative voice in my head. Embrace vulnerability and uncertainty, let go of ideas of perfectionism and certainty.</p><p></p><p>While I have thought about my childhood off and on throughout my life, it is interesting that things really came to a head when the situation with my two girls became so desperate. It woke up a lot of those old feelings.</p><p></p><p>Having the opportunity to review this here, has been a huge release. I find that I can understand my past, and lay some things to rest, while trying to figure out how to move on and grow, heal the old wounds, learn a bit more about myself and recognize when I am slipping into role. I am grateful for the help I have gotten through the FOO forum.</p><p></p><p>My situation is very different from yours and Cedars. I am not shunned by my sister or mistreated by my Mom. My FOO, is concerned about my two, and has not judged them, or compared them with their own children.</p><p></p><p>While the old roles do come back from time to time in my encounters with my sis, for the most part, I can say that we do love one another. We are just two very different people, with different points of view. Mom and Dad did the best they could to give us a good life. My sibs are very busy in their own lives, and when we have gathered together in recent years, it has been through some very hard ordeals, navigating through illness and loss.</p><p></p><p>I love my family.</p><p></p><p>Losing ones parent to death is a threshold crossed. I miss my Dad. He was a wonderful man. It was hard, witnessing his decline in health. Harder still because I live so far away. When I visited, he was deep in thought and more to himself than ever. He had suffered through several debilitating illnesses before he passed. Once robust and healthy, spending much of his time outdoors tending to his gardens and projects, he was confined indoors the last few years. Mom was worried he would fall. She was his caregiver and their roles switched. She became the decision maker. They sold their home in the country and moved to a senior living area. This must have been a very difficult transition for my Dad. I understand now, why he was so quiet and reserved. It was hard for me when I went to visit those last years. Now, looking back, I understand why he was so quiet. His life had completely changed. I think he was working hard at his life review, as well as struggling with pain and his demise. I do regret not being there when he passed. I am determined, if at all possible to be there for my Mom, but I do realize that may not be a reality, given the distance between us.</p><p></p><p>Mom, is doing well, and continues to baffle the doctors. I am thankful that she is still here with us.</p><p></p><p>Sis is still urging me to visit more often, as she did with my Dad. I cannot afford to go twice yearly. She has a hard time with this. We speak occasionally on the phone, and are working at rebuilding our relationship.</p><p></p><p>I think I have reviewed my past sufficiently to move on to healing.</p><p></p><p>I am very thankful to have you all follow along on this journey with me, and offer your perspective, understanding and encouragement.</p><p></p><p>It has been very freeing.</p><p></p><p>Most of all, <em>I feel blessed for my life. </em>Though my childhood was a struggle in many ways, it also shaped me. There is much I need to work on, but to me, that is life, trying to better oneself and make a difference in the world.</p><p></p><p>With all my heart, Mahalo nui loa,</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 680683, member: 19522"] Yes, so close in age and [I]innocent, [/I]and yet[I], children are capable of being hurtful and mean. [/I] We were left alone at a young age (5,6 and 7) to play outside in the yard while Mom cleaned house and took care of my lil sis. This was not uncommon where I grew up. The stage was set, and sis quickly became the "boss". This article describes almost to the t what it was like for me, growing up in my household. [URL]https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/teen-angst/201404/sibling-bullying[/URL] My folks didn't stop it, in a way, I think they couldn't stop it. I don't even think they knew or understood the extent of it. Studies on sibling bullying and the effects are being reported on only recently. Certainly, adults are responsible for looking after very young children. The times we grew up in were different. Children were not constantly monitored. We lived in a rural area, and kids in my neighborhood played together in each others yards without adult supervision. We roamed the neighborhood freely. The purpose of reviewing my childhood is not to place blame, but to understand what I went through and how it shaped and affected me into my adult life. This pattern of bullying continued until my teenaged years. Home was not a safe place for me. While this is true in certain cases, it was not for me. It was very confusing to be treated badly, cry because my feelings were hurt, then be told to "man up". I understand that my parents were trying to toughen me up, to be ready to go out into a harsh world. Crying was never a win for me. I was reacting normally, to being treated poorly. My parents responded negatively to crying, so there was really no place for me to turn to. I don't necessarily look at crying as losing either. It is a response to an emotional situation. Some people cry more readily than others. I cry when I am happy, at beautiful music, movies. It is just a part of me. I am okay with it. As far as my sibling relationships now, I am seldom with them, because of the distance between us. The past few years have been particularly emotionally charged because of Dads illness and death, then Moms illness. The old patterns emerge. What is interesting, is that sis's domineering personality and insistence at having things go her way, has created rifts in her relationship with brother and lil sis. It has been sort of an "ah hah" moment for them. What I do need to be careful of, is triangulating. This happened when Dad was very ill, and older sis would call me. Her spin on things was very different from my other sibs. Looking back, I can see that sis was trying to sway me to her corner. She was successful at this at one point. Now, I find when my opinion differs, she gets very angry with me. She is entitled to feel as she does. What I have to remember, is that sometimes, the past comes roaring back and I react with overwhelming feelings and role. I need to hold onto myself and be real. Despite all of this, I do have some very fond memories of growing up. My folks did the best job they could. I do have to be mindful of not falling back into patterns of self loathing. I take on the role of being my own bully. That is where I want to go with all of this, create healthier habits, turn down the negative voice in my head. Embrace vulnerability and uncertainty, let go of ideas of perfectionism and certainty. While I have thought about my childhood off and on throughout my life, it is interesting that things really came to a head when the situation with my two girls became so desperate. It woke up a lot of those old feelings. Having the opportunity to review this here, has been a huge release. I find that I can understand my past, and lay some things to rest, while trying to figure out how to move on and grow, heal the old wounds, learn a bit more about myself and recognize when I am slipping into role. I am grateful for the help I have gotten through the FOO forum. My situation is very different from yours and Cedars. I am not shunned by my sister or mistreated by my Mom. My FOO, is concerned about my two, and has not judged them, or compared them with their own children. While the old roles do come back from time to time in my encounters with my sis, for the most part, I can say that we do love one another. We are just two very different people, with different points of view. Mom and Dad did the best they could to give us a good life. My sibs are very busy in their own lives, and when we have gathered together in recent years, it has been through some very hard ordeals, navigating through illness and loss. I love my family. Losing ones parent to death is a threshold crossed. I miss my Dad. He was a wonderful man. It was hard, witnessing his decline in health. Harder still because I live so far away. When I visited, he was deep in thought and more to himself than ever. He had suffered through several debilitating illnesses before he passed. Once robust and healthy, spending much of his time outdoors tending to his gardens and projects, he was confined indoors the last few years. Mom was worried he would fall. She was his caregiver and their roles switched. She became the decision maker. They sold their home in the country and moved to a senior living area. This must have been a very difficult transition for my Dad. I understand now, why he was so quiet and reserved. It was hard for me when I went to visit those last years. Now, looking back, I understand why he was so quiet. His life had completely changed. I think he was working hard at his life review, as well as struggling with pain and his demise. I do regret not being there when he passed. I am determined, if at all possible to be there for my Mom, but I do realize that may not be a reality, given the distance between us. Mom, is doing well, and continues to baffle the doctors. I am thankful that she is still here with us. Sis is still urging me to visit more often, as she did with my Dad. I cannot afford to go twice yearly. She has a hard time with this. We speak occasionally on the phone, and are working at rebuilding our relationship. I think I have reviewed my past sufficiently to move on to healing. I am very thankful to have you all follow along on this journey with me, and offer your perspective, understanding and encouragement. It has been very freeing. Most of all, [I]I feel blessed for my life. [/I]Though my childhood was a struggle in many ways, it also shaped me. There is much I need to work on, but to me, that is life, trying to better oneself and make a difference in the world. With all my heart, Mahalo nui loa, (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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