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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 124100" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It's not an easy one at all.</p><p></p><p>Back in 1978, sister in law was an exchange student in the US. In the year she was over there she gained a lot of weight (all those dinners she had to speak at) and took up smoking. Before she left she had been as rabidly anti-smoking as the rest of her family, but she told us that while in the US (midwest) she felt she had to join in. "People either smoke cigarettes or pot," she explained. "It was one or the other." </p><p>She was 17 at the time. She also was drinking beer, but since she was an Aussie whose parents let her drink home-brew, under control, she had a head for beer which the other kids did not (that home brew was a lot stronger than the US beer she was given to drink).</p><p></p><p>The thing is, she gave in to peer pressure to the least extent she felt she could, so she didn't seem to be a complete wowser (Aussie term - means ultra-conservative, prohibitionist in every way).</p><p>Whether she was indulging in sex - I don't think so, although I suspect one or two boys in particular were putting a lot of pressure on her. One boy really put the thumbscrew on her, tried to stop her coming home and instead stay in the US and stay with him. She nearly did. He'd told her he had just been diagnosed with a hereditary disease which had killed his father and was going to kill him in just six months, would she stay with him and make his last six months happy ones. (she told us what he was supposed to have - no way would it be diagnosed in adulthood, it was a pack of lies but it took a while to convince her, we had to show her medical textbooks).</p><p>When she went back about two years later, he was still there, lively as ever, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "You're supposed to be dead," she told him, and walked away.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, she was a bright, outgoing, strong-willed girl who succumbed to peer pressure and believed the utter rubbish a boy told her, just to get what he wanted from her. I don't think he got it, but he really tried hard.</p><p></p><p>So if my sister in law had so much trouble with peer pressure, back then, how much harder is it for kt now?</p><p></p><p>Kids brag about having sex. I remember back in my schooldays, the lower in grades I got the more I was forced to mix with the difficult children in the school. And the more they talked about how they would sneak out at night to meet their BFs for sex. From my vantage point forty years later, I know most of it was utter rubbish. Some of it wasn't, but I couldn't lie convincingly and just didn't fit in with the slutty difficult children I was sharing a class with. They would wear short skirts with nothing underneath and then bend over in front of the male teachers. </p><p></p><p>Seeing all that, having to mix with them, was the worst time of my school years. Some of them were friendly to me, others bullied me and beat me up. I learned to make friends with the bullies so they would leave me alone. And I was the same age that kt is now. And I didn't have her disadvantages.</p><p></p><p>What I would do - pull her out of that placement. But I'm not you, I'm not living with the problems you have been. </p><p></p><p>Failing that, I would be trying to explain to her, that with all her life ahead of her, the choices she makes now can have wither a big impact, or no impact. She says she wants friends - so did I, desperately. But when I left that school I also left all contact with those kids. Not intentionally, I did try to stay in touch, but even those with whom I was close, eventually failed to stay in touch. That's just how life is.</p><p>So any friends she makes at this school now, are unlikely to be still bosom buddies in,say, five years' time.</p><p>But what she feels she needs to do (in terms of degrading behaviour) WILL still be with her in five years' time. it will be with her in fifty years' time.</p><p></p><p>I believe that the pressure these days for girls to have some form of sex is far worse than in my day. And that is really saying something. In the wrong circles girls these days are 'used' far more, are expected to 'put out' or be unpopular (which is emotional blackmail) and despite all the health education, do not consider the health risks at all. They don't consider oral sex to be sex, it's just 'doing your boyfriend a favour'. Boys trade their girlfriends to their mates and the girls are expected to comply. No consideration for the girls in any way, and especially not consideration for their sexual needs. The lines between consent and coercion become badly blurred. And all along the way, self-respect goes out the window. The long-term effects on a girl like kt are unthinkable.</p><p></p><p>There was a book written in Australia about two girls growing up in Sydney in the surf culture (which is very similar to a lot of the coercion going on today). The book is called "Puberty Blues" and was written by Kathy Lette and Gabrielle Carey. It's autobiographical and these days is used as a school English text. It was also made into a movie (Bruce Beresford). The ending - after the girls have been manipulated, abused and put down by the males in their life, they finally turn their backs on it all and make their own choices. Yes, it means they are ostracised by the boys they used to idolise, but they are finally free.</p><p>I don't know if you could get hold of it, I don't know if you would want to show it to kt. I would, but again, I don't know what you're dealing with in that degree of detail. But maybe if YOU can watch it yourself, see what you think about showing it to her and using it as a basis for discussion...</p><p>(and by sheer fluke, a few scenes were filmed in our village, although most of it was shot just across the water from us - but that's not why I'm recommending it).</p><p></p><p>Other than that, short of locking her up in a cotton wool box for the next ten years, I'm not sure what you can do.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 124100, member: 1991"] It's not an easy one at all. Back in 1978, sister in law was an exchange student in the US. In the year she was over there she gained a lot of weight (all those dinners she had to speak at) and took up smoking. Before she left she had been as rabidly anti-smoking as the rest of her family, but she told us that while in the US (midwest) she felt she had to join in. "People either smoke cigarettes or pot," she explained. "It was one or the other." She was 17 at the time. She also was drinking beer, but since she was an Aussie whose parents let her drink home-brew, under control, she had a head for beer which the other kids did not (that home brew was a lot stronger than the US beer she was given to drink). The thing is, she gave in to peer pressure to the least extent she felt she could, so she didn't seem to be a complete wowser (Aussie term - means ultra-conservative, prohibitionist in every way). Whether she was indulging in sex - I don't think so, although I suspect one or two boys in particular were putting a lot of pressure on her. One boy really put the thumbscrew on her, tried to stop her coming home and instead stay in the US and stay with him. She nearly did. He'd told her he had just been diagnosed with a hereditary disease which had killed his father and was going to kill him in just six months, would she stay with him and make his last six months happy ones. (she told us what he was supposed to have - no way would it be diagnosed in adulthood, it was a pack of lies but it took a while to convince her, we had to show her medical textbooks). When she went back about two years later, he was still there, lively as ever, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "You're supposed to be dead," she told him, and walked away. The thing is, she was a bright, outgoing, strong-willed girl who succumbed to peer pressure and believed the utter rubbish a boy told her, just to get what he wanted from her. I don't think he got it, but he really tried hard. So if my sister in law had so much trouble with peer pressure, back then, how much harder is it for kt now? Kids brag about having sex. I remember back in my schooldays, the lower in grades I got the more I was forced to mix with the difficult children in the school. And the more they talked about how they would sneak out at night to meet their BFs for sex. From my vantage point forty years later, I know most of it was utter rubbish. Some of it wasn't, but I couldn't lie convincingly and just didn't fit in with the slutty difficult children I was sharing a class with. They would wear short skirts with nothing underneath and then bend over in front of the male teachers. Seeing all that, having to mix with them, was the worst time of my school years. Some of them were friendly to me, others bullied me and beat me up. I learned to make friends with the bullies so they would leave me alone. And I was the same age that kt is now. And I didn't have her disadvantages. What I would do - pull her out of that placement. But I'm not you, I'm not living with the problems you have been. Failing that, I would be trying to explain to her, that with all her life ahead of her, the choices she makes now can have wither a big impact, or no impact. She says she wants friends - so did I, desperately. But when I left that school I also left all contact with those kids. Not intentionally, I did try to stay in touch, but even those with whom I was close, eventually failed to stay in touch. That's just how life is. So any friends she makes at this school now, are unlikely to be still bosom buddies in,say, five years' time. But what she feels she needs to do (in terms of degrading behaviour) WILL still be with her in five years' time. it will be with her in fifty years' time. I believe that the pressure these days for girls to have some form of sex is far worse than in my day. And that is really saying something. In the wrong circles girls these days are 'used' far more, are expected to 'put out' or be unpopular (which is emotional blackmail) and despite all the health education, do not consider the health risks at all. They don't consider oral sex to be sex, it's just 'doing your boyfriend a favour'. Boys trade their girlfriends to their mates and the girls are expected to comply. No consideration for the girls in any way, and especially not consideration for their sexual needs. The lines between consent and coercion become badly blurred. And all along the way, self-respect goes out the window. The long-term effects on a girl like kt are unthinkable. There was a book written in Australia about two girls growing up in Sydney in the surf culture (which is very similar to a lot of the coercion going on today). The book is called "Puberty Blues" and was written by Kathy Lette and Gabrielle Carey. It's autobiographical and these days is used as a school English text. It was also made into a movie (Bruce Beresford). The ending - after the girls have been manipulated, abused and put down by the males in their life, they finally turn their backs on it all and make their own choices. Yes, it means they are ostracised by the boys they used to idolise, but they are finally free. I don't know if you could get hold of it, I don't know if you would want to show it to kt. I would, but again, I don't know what you're dealing with in that degree of detail. But maybe if YOU can watch it yourself, see what you think about showing it to her and using it as a basis for discussion... (and by sheer fluke, a few scenes were filmed in our village, although most of it was shot just across the water from us - but that's not why I'm recommending it). Other than that, short of locking her up in a cotton wool box for the next ten years, I'm not sure what you can do. Marg [/QUOTE]
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