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Am i being unreasonable?
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<blockquote data-quote="skittles" data-source="post: 754072" data-attributes="member: 2484"><p>Thankyou, everyone, this is such a wake up call, I think im doing fine and then I see my story through others eyes and relize how wrapped up in this im getting again. To answer some questions, Im in Canada, Childrens aid society(like CPS) is involved, also my son and I had a childrens lawyer appointed. The kids mom doesnt drive, she has some learning and emotional problems, and is on welfare so the only way she can attend the kids medical or shopping needs is through me. My son is not a viable alternative. We were in court as my son tried for custody and the judge said it would be simply trading one marginal situation for another. i dont want to raise 5 kids and if they went into foster care they would be split up. The childrens lawyer himself told me the system is so full that the standard to remove children is very high so unless im willing to completely walk away, childrens aid will keep the kids with her as long as they know Im there to help with transportation for groceries, medical needs etc. The new boyfriend is a recent development. And yes to answer another question, I am used to that behaviour, I spent 11 years married to an abuser and am so afraid of letting any man gain any authority over me that at the first sign of it i fight. I told my son what happened, he left a voicemail for the childrens lawyer. I thought of calling the police after the incident but figured with my own bad behaviour they wouldnt do anything other than maybe talk to him. Unfirtunately as you can likely tell ive become pretty disallusioned with any of the authoritative systems involved. I understand theyr overburdened so unless someone is seriously hurt, nothing is going to be done and unless I agree to take the children, they will leave them with mom. I don’t feel right walking away from helping them if I’m not willing to take them myself. they are still my grandkids and at least there’s one pair eyes on the situation in the family. So up until this recent boyfriend I felt they were better off all together and with her if I was willing to provide the transportation instead of in the foster care system and all split up. The kids are very bonded to each other, mom doesn’t drink or party, she’s not the most capable mom but she tries. but now this new boyfriend is changing the situation, because of what I’ve seen from him I do worry what’s going to happen if he gets angry at her or the kids. but again children’s aid is already involved they know he’s there, and there’s not really anything they can do based on a verbal confrontation between him and I. So, this is a long-standing situation where I started helping out as most grandmas do when baby number one came along, as I was completely over involved with my son and his problems I stayed helping through baby number two. Then she became pregnant with the third and my son went to prision for 4 years leaving her alone with 3 kids, and just me there to help (her family is basically absent). During a visit in the prision, she became pregnant again and after he was released the 5th came along before they split up for good. Like a lot of these situations I didn’t just wake up one day and decide to become someone’s primary support, it was a gradual one step at a time process till you become so involved you just don’t know how to get out of it. i’ve worked very hard at trying to maintain a distance but not abandon my grandkids. walking away completely from the situation just isn’t really an option for me. So because of this new boyfriend the only thing I know to do is insist I don’t want him in my car or in my presence. he’s never been to my house but I’m sure he could find the address if he did a little digging. At any rate thank you for listening and thank you for the advice and the clarity. it helps me to see that I didn’t create this situation, they did, and I have every right to maintain my distance from him. she will have to find a way to work around it because I don’t have to. I would like to know though anyone who’s had experience with the foster care system. am I truly doing the right thing by helping her because if I refuse and she had no way to get medical or food I think that would be the deciding factor and they would put my grandkids in the foster care system. I’ve never considered walking away before I’ve always said as I did before that that’s not an option for me but if I’m going to have problems with this new boyfriend then it may be my only option if i dont want to allow him to bully me.thanks everyone</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="skittles, post: 754072, member: 2484"] Thankyou, everyone, this is such a wake up call, I think im doing fine and then I see my story through others eyes and relize how wrapped up in this im getting again. To answer some questions, Im in Canada, Childrens aid society(like CPS) is involved, also my son and I had a childrens lawyer appointed. The kids mom doesnt drive, she has some learning and emotional problems, and is on welfare so the only way she can attend the kids medical or shopping needs is through me. My son is not a viable alternative. We were in court as my son tried for custody and the judge said it would be simply trading one marginal situation for another. i dont want to raise 5 kids and if they went into foster care they would be split up. The childrens lawyer himself told me the system is so full that the standard to remove children is very high so unless im willing to completely walk away, childrens aid will keep the kids with her as long as they know Im there to help with transportation for groceries, medical needs etc. The new boyfriend is a recent development. And yes to answer another question, I am used to that behaviour, I spent 11 years married to an abuser and am so afraid of letting any man gain any authority over me that at the first sign of it i fight. I told my son what happened, he left a voicemail for the childrens lawyer. I thought of calling the police after the incident but figured with my own bad behaviour they wouldnt do anything other than maybe talk to him. Unfirtunately as you can likely tell ive become pretty disallusioned with any of the authoritative systems involved. I understand theyr overburdened so unless someone is seriously hurt, nothing is going to be done and unless I agree to take the children, they will leave them with mom. I don’t feel right walking away from helping them if I’m not willing to take them myself. they are still my grandkids and at least there’s one pair eyes on the situation in the family. So up until this recent boyfriend I felt they were better off all together and with her if I was willing to provide the transportation instead of in the foster care system and all split up. The kids are very bonded to each other, mom doesn’t drink or party, she’s not the most capable mom but she tries. but now this new boyfriend is changing the situation, because of what I’ve seen from him I do worry what’s going to happen if he gets angry at her or the kids. but again children’s aid is already involved they know he’s there, and there’s not really anything they can do based on a verbal confrontation between him and I. So, this is a long-standing situation where I started helping out as most grandmas do when baby number one came along, as I was completely over involved with my son and his problems I stayed helping through baby number two. Then she became pregnant with the third and my son went to prision for 4 years leaving her alone with 3 kids, and just me there to help (her family is basically absent). During a visit in the prision, she became pregnant again and after he was released the 5th came along before they split up for good. Like a lot of these situations I didn’t just wake up one day and decide to become someone’s primary support, it was a gradual one step at a time process till you become so involved you just don’t know how to get out of it. i’ve worked very hard at trying to maintain a distance but not abandon my grandkids. walking away completely from the situation just isn’t really an option for me. So because of this new boyfriend the only thing I know to do is insist I don’t want him in my car or in my presence. he’s never been to my house but I’m sure he could find the address if he did a little digging. At any rate thank you for listening and thank you for the advice and the clarity. it helps me to see that I didn’t create this situation, they did, and I have every right to maintain my distance from him. she will have to find a way to work around it because I don’t have to. I would like to know though anyone who’s had experience with the foster care system. am I truly doing the right thing by helping her because if I refuse and she had no way to get medical or food I think that would be the deciding factor and they would put my grandkids in the foster care system. I’ve never considered walking away before I’ve always said as I did before that that’s not an option for me but if I’m going to have problems with this new boyfriend then it may be my only option if i dont want to allow him to bully me.thanks everyone [/QUOTE]
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