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Am i being unreasonable?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 754073" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>He isn't bullying you. He threatened you.He could make good on those threats. In the U.S. you can't do that. No idea about Canada.</p><p></p><p>I believe that people tell us who they are. Sometimes we just don't listen. We tell ourselves they don't mean it. Then we can get hurt or worse.</p><p></p><p>Most people would never say the threats HE made.. Also have you thought about what will happen if you suddenly can not be there to be a Mommy to this daughter in law,? Mom will collapse. </p><p></p><p>daughter in law in my opinion needs some incentive to learn to drive and to grow up. She also may need to learn how to get and use only government services. That looks like her future. She isn't trying to better herself. Lots of people have issues yet can still be adults. She is in a world of hurt if you ever get sick or pass on. She has no coping skills. No adult skills at all.</p><p></p><p>If this were me, I would cut out her free rides and only do things directly for the grands. And I wouldn't do everything. They also need to learn to take care of themselves perhaps at a younger age than desirable but some kids need to grow up fast. You certainly don't want your grands to be helpless like Mom. How old are your grands,? I would step back from daughter in law.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps, for example, instead of making it easy for Mom to get groceries you can babysit the grands while she takes a bus or other public trans to get her groceries, paying for them from her food subsidy. She needs to understand that life doesn't revolve around your kindness. In the U.S. many poor people take the bus to grocery shop and carry the bags home.Often an older child goes with to help. if one grand is at least 12, I think it would be good for your grand to see that if he or she doesn't get an education and won't learn to adult this will be HER life too. They need to see that you are not the long term answer or rescuer. They have to see a reason to do better than Mom. Who will support them when you can't?</p><p></p><p>All of them need to learn to do for themselves or they very well may just repeat all this.Do YOU work or have a life outside of this? If not you really do need therapy to learn that your life matters too. And that what you are doing may not be best for anyone. </p><p></p><p>daughter in law is probably expecting you to support her sixth child too. Are you so rich that you can do this,? Are you so healthy and young that you will be able to sustain all your grands until the youngest is 18?</p><p></p><p>If not there has to be a better way. For all of you.</p><p></p><p>If I were you I'd be furious that daughter in law is again pregnant. She has to learn to do more than make babies and watch you care for them. It's appalling to me that knowing she can not care for her kids she got pregnant again. She sounds as if she has no common sense or drive. I would think you NEED to step back and let her do some hard stuff herself. Alone. </p><p></p><p>This is a toxic situation.</p><p></p><p>I am praying that you can minimize what you do for this ex daughter in law and force her to grow up. You can always babysit the grands and buy things specifically for them, but I would make the Mom pay for her necessities and get places using public transportation. Yes, its harder. Maybe if you aren't always willing to take care of her she will mature a bit. She doesn't mind bringing children into the world that she can not take care of. Maybe if it's harder for her she won't continue this pattern of having more babies that she expects you to support even if the children are not your grandkids </p><p></p><p>I wish you blessings, courage and clarity and hope you find a good therapist for yourself.Our hearts are with you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 754073, member: 23706"] He isn't bullying you. He threatened you.He could make good on those threats. In the U.S. you can't do that. No idea about Canada. I believe that people tell us who they are. Sometimes we just don't listen. We tell ourselves they don't mean it. Then we can get hurt or worse. Most people would never say the threats HE made.. Also have you thought about what will happen if you suddenly can not be there to be a Mommy to this daughter in law,? Mom will collapse. daughter in law in my opinion needs some incentive to learn to drive and to grow up. She also may need to learn how to get and use only government services. That looks like her future. She isn't trying to better herself. Lots of people have issues yet can still be adults. She is in a world of hurt if you ever get sick or pass on. She has no coping skills. No adult skills at all. If this were me, I would cut out her free rides and only do things directly for the grands. And I wouldn't do everything. They also need to learn to take care of themselves perhaps at a younger age than desirable but some kids need to grow up fast. You certainly don't want your grands to be helpless like Mom. How old are your grands,? I would step back from daughter in law. Perhaps, for example, instead of making it easy for Mom to get groceries you can babysit the grands while she takes a bus or other public trans to get her groceries, paying for them from her food subsidy. She needs to understand that life doesn't revolve around your kindness. In the U.S. many poor people take the bus to grocery shop and carry the bags home.Often an older child goes with to help. if one grand is at least 12, I think it would be good for your grand to see that if he or she doesn't get an education and won't learn to adult this will be HER life too. They need to see that you are not the long term answer or rescuer. They have to see a reason to do better than Mom. Who will support them when you can't? All of them need to learn to do for themselves or they very well may just repeat all this.Do YOU work or have a life outside of this? If not you really do need therapy to learn that your life matters too. And that what you are doing may not be best for anyone. daughter in law is probably expecting you to support her sixth child too. Are you so rich that you can do this,? Are you so healthy and young that you will be able to sustain all your grands until the youngest is 18? If not there has to be a better way. For all of you. If I were you I'd be furious that daughter in law is again pregnant. She has to learn to do more than make babies and watch you care for them. It's appalling to me that knowing she can not care for her kids she got pregnant again. She sounds as if she has no common sense or drive. I would think you NEED to step back and let her do some hard stuff herself. Alone. This is a toxic situation. I am praying that you can minimize what you do for this ex daughter in law and force her to grow up. You can always babysit the grands and buy things specifically for them, but I would make the Mom pay for her necessities and get places using public transportation. Yes, its harder. Maybe if you aren't always willing to take care of her she will mature a bit. She doesn't mind bringing children into the world that she can not take care of. Maybe if it's harder for her she won't continue this pattern of having more babies that she expects you to support even if the children are not your grandkids I wish you blessings, courage and clarity and hope you find a good therapist for yourself.Our hearts are with you. [/QUOTE]
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