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Am I doing the right thing
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 743937" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Overcome, I think you have to listen to your intuition here, and make the right decision for you. This situation sounds all too familiar to me, crazy birth mother and all. Mine have taken turns running back to theirs when I’m not being accommodating enough and it always ends in tears. I can identify with every word you’ve written here. </p><p></p><p>Is home even an option with the pending charge? Are you in the same state? Is he allowed to leave the area where he is living? </p><p></p><p>His priority right now seems to be getting out of his drug charge, but I would not raise one finger to help him there. Getting charged may be the best thing for him in the long run. The courts may mandate rehab. </p><p></p><p>With mine, I’ve been trying not to send money but I have bought clothes, given grocery cards, etc. it’s frustrating because they are ALWAYS starting over. Clothes and personal items left behind or lost as they move between short term couch surfing situations or homelessness. They never can save and accumulate anything. </p><p></p><p>When you talk to him next perhaps try to help him come up with ideas on his own. And depending on the idea you can decide what you will do to support. No, honey, you can’t stay here and you know why. What are some other ideas you have? Where else could you stay? A friend? Sober living? Shelter? How can YOU make your next step work? What are the community resources available to you? Here are the numbers - call them when you’re ready to move forward. </p><p></p><p>I haven’t let mine come back here with me, even when homeless, because 1) it would disrupt the peace I have worked so hard to finally achieve and be unfair to my partner, and 2) I see no end game that doesn’t involve shouting, tears, and eviction with police involvement. They don’t get better under my roof. They stay lazy. I don’t think they mean to. They mean it when they say they would work and it would only be temporary. But they reality is they live for today. If they are warm and fed today, there is no priority to get a job or save money or plan for tomorrow. Tomorrow seems to be unimaginable to them in any real, concrete way. They seem to trust that it will take care of itself, just as today has. So it’s easy to let things go for one more day...and one more day...and one more day...</p><p></p><p>I do believe sometimes support is required to get them into a stable situation. There are holes they dig for themselves that are too deep to get out of alone. But that support has to be provided in a structured way that helps them move forward rather than enabling them. And I’ve come to realize that it may be better provided by someone who is not mom. They don’t take our rules and limits seriously. They manipulate our love. With an agency they have to fall in line if they want the help. </p><p></p><p>I would talk to him more about rehab. Perhaps tell him you’re willing to help with a rehab program but for anything else he’s on his own. I would advise him not to worry about beating the drug rap and paying an attorney but to take the public defender and throw himself on the mercy of the courts and ask for a rehab option. Facing the charges may be the best thing for him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 743937, member: 23349"] Overcome, I think you have to listen to your intuition here, and make the right decision for you. This situation sounds all too familiar to me, crazy birth mother and all. Mine have taken turns running back to theirs when I’m not being accommodating enough and it always ends in tears. I can identify with every word you’ve written here. Is home even an option with the pending charge? Are you in the same state? Is he allowed to leave the area where he is living? His priority right now seems to be getting out of his drug charge, but I would not raise one finger to help him there. Getting charged may be the best thing for him in the long run. The courts may mandate rehab. With mine, I’ve been trying not to send money but I have bought clothes, given grocery cards, etc. it’s frustrating because they are ALWAYS starting over. Clothes and personal items left behind or lost as they move between short term couch surfing situations or homelessness. They never can save and accumulate anything. When you talk to him next perhaps try to help him come up with ideas on his own. And depending on the idea you can decide what you will do to support. No, honey, you can’t stay here and you know why. What are some other ideas you have? Where else could you stay? A friend? Sober living? Shelter? How can YOU make your next step work? What are the community resources available to you? Here are the numbers - call them when you’re ready to move forward. I haven’t let mine come back here with me, even when homeless, because 1) it would disrupt the peace I have worked so hard to finally achieve and be unfair to my partner, and 2) I see no end game that doesn’t involve shouting, tears, and eviction with police involvement. They don’t get better under my roof. They stay lazy. I don’t think they mean to. They mean it when they say they would work and it would only be temporary. But they reality is they live for today. If they are warm and fed today, there is no priority to get a job or save money or plan for tomorrow. Tomorrow seems to be unimaginable to them in any real, concrete way. They seem to trust that it will take care of itself, just as today has. So it’s easy to let things go for one more day...and one more day...and one more day... I do believe sometimes support is required to get them into a stable situation. There are holes they dig for themselves that are too deep to get out of alone. But that support has to be provided in a structured way that helps them move forward rather than enabling them. And I’ve come to realize that it may be better provided by someone who is not mom. They don’t take our rules and limits seriously. They manipulate our love. With an agency they have to fall in line if they want the help. I would talk to him more about rehab. Perhaps tell him you’re willing to help with a rehab program but for anything else he’s on his own. I would advise him not to worry about beating the drug rap and paying an attorney but to take the public defender and throw himself on the mercy of the courts and ask for a rehab option. Facing the charges may be the best thing for him. [/QUOTE]
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