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Am I doing the right thing
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 743953" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>I know. I've heard all this before, too. I've had to learn to say, "well, it is an option, even if you don't like the option. If you choose not to take it, that's on you, not me. But you have options. Pick one."</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I have struggled with this line for years. This is what I've come up with, for me:</p><p></p><p>1. I do NOT help them out of self-made messes. That means no bail money, no lawyers, no court costs, etc. For each of my older three, I bailed them out of jail ONCE on minor charges when they were young, and told them that was the last time I was ever doing it, so don't call me if it happens again. I have never paid for lawyers. I really don't have that kind of money, so it makes it easier to say no, but I wouldn't anyway. If you've landed yourself in trouble that requires a lawyer, take the court appointed one or figure out your own way to pay for it if you don't like it. I did bend a little when N was in prison, for the sake of mercy. I was appalled to learn that prisoners are not provided with socks or underwear and if families did not provide them they had to do without. They had to be of a specific brand and style, in new unopened packages, and delivered in person. I did it, because I couldn't bear the thought of him sockless and underwearless somehow. I also paid for one phone call home each week and visited once a month, because I wanted him to have a path back to the light. But the rest of the financial repercussions he was on his own with.</p><p></p><p>2. I do not do anything that puts my present or future financial and physical security, or that of my partner, at risk. No withdrawing from retirement, or failing to put the max in my retirement account, to pay for their mistakes. No making loans or gifts that make me unable to pay my own bills on time. No putting anything on a credit card I can't pay off - I don't believe in carrying a balance, for myself or them. Especially NO CO-SIGNING ANYTHING, EVER.</p><p></p><p>3. I do not give money that may be used for drugs or drinking, or pay for other things so that they will be able to spend more of their own money on drugs and drinking. In general, that means not making up a regular monthly shortfall - if they are always $200 short on rent, they need to figure out how to fix the problem, not come knocking on my door every month. I DO occasionally pay for emergencies - a car repair (of course, S and C don't have cars anymore...) or other unexpected bill, for example. If it seems to be in the interest of keeping them on the path to independence. If they are especially destitute, I may take them grocery shopping or buy a bus pass. I just bought warm clothes for both S and C, even though they should still have the clothes I bought them last year...or the year before last... I don't want them starving or freezing to death. I want them to know I love them. But i also want them to know they are adults, and adults figure out their own ...stuff.</p><p></p><p>There's a lot of gray area here, and I've violated my own rules plenty over the years. But not often - and my consistency in this has helped both them and me. If there is a request, I ask myself is this a natural consequence of their behavior that they need to learn from, or an unexpected event that could occur to anybody? Will doing this for them help them take a step towards great independence (e.g., helping them get back into school), or is it simply throwing more money into the same old black hole? What steps are THEY taking to put my investment in them - and I think of it this way - to good use?</p><p></p><p>Phones are a real gray area, I think. I cut mine all off years ago because, well, there are four of them, and it gets damn expensive. And I am not rich. Plus they were always losing or breaking phones or going over the data plan and all that became MY problem to fix. I couldn't deal with it anymore. But sometimes, especially when C has been on the streets, I think maybe I should put him back on my plan, for my own peace of mind. C and S both use burners with pre-paid minutes that are frequently off, and it can be terrifying not being able to get ahold of them. But then I remember my data charges and the sense of entitlement they had to ALL of my upgrades and think...nope.</p><p></p><p>You'll come up with your own boundaries, but I hope this helps. I find it really helps to actually write down your rules, and have them on hand when the inevitable call comes in.</p><p></p><p>If also helps that they have no idea what my financial situation is month to month - I freelance, and they know my income fluctuates. So it's really easy to say "no can do" without a lot of argument because for all they know I simply don't have it. I simply do not talk about my finances with them at all. They know I'm ok, and they know I'm not a millionaire, and that's all they need to know.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 743953, member: 23349"] I know. I've heard all this before, too. I've had to learn to say, "well, it is an option, even if you don't like the option. If you choose not to take it, that's on you, not me. But you have options. Pick one." I have struggled with this line for years. This is what I've come up with, for me: 1. I do NOT help them out of self-made messes. That means no bail money, no lawyers, no court costs, etc. For each of my older three, I bailed them out of jail ONCE on minor charges when they were young, and told them that was the last time I was ever doing it, so don't call me if it happens again. I have never paid for lawyers. I really don't have that kind of money, so it makes it easier to say no, but I wouldn't anyway. If you've landed yourself in trouble that requires a lawyer, take the court appointed one or figure out your own way to pay for it if you don't like it. I did bend a little when N was in prison, for the sake of mercy. I was appalled to learn that prisoners are not provided with socks or underwear and if families did not provide them they had to do without. They had to be of a specific brand and style, in new unopened packages, and delivered in person. I did it, because I couldn't bear the thought of him sockless and underwearless somehow. I also paid for one phone call home each week and visited once a month, because I wanted him to have a path back to the light. But the rest of the financial repercussions he was on his own with. 2. I do not do anything that puts my present or future financial and physical security, or that of my partner, at risk. No withdrawing from retirement, or failing to put the max in my retirement account, to pay for their mistakes. No making loans or gifts that make me unable to pay my own bills on time. No putting anything on a credit card I can't pay off - I don't believe in carrying a balance, for myself or them. Especially NO CO-SIGNING ANYTHING, EVER. 3. I do not give money that may be used for drugs or drinking, or pay for other things so that they will be able to spend more of their own money on drugs and drinking. In general, that means not making up a regular monthly shortfall - if they are always $200 short on rent, they need to figure out how to fix the problem, not come knocking on my door every month. I DO occasionally pay for emergencies - a car repair (of course, S and C don't have cars anymore...) or other unexpected bill, for example. If it seems to be in the interest of keeping them on the path to independence. If they are especially destitute, I may take them grocery shopping or buy a bus pass. I just bought warm clothes for both S and C, even though they should still have the clothes I bought them last year...or the year before last... I don't want them starving or freezing to death. I want them to know I love them. But i also want them to know they are adults, and adults figure out their own ...stuff. There's a lot of gray area here, and I've violated my own rules plenty over the years. But not often - and my consistency in this has helped both them and me. If there is a request, I ask myself is this a natural consequence of their behavior that they need to learn from, or an unexpected event that could occur to anybody? Will doing this for them help them take a step towards great independence (e.g., helping them get back into school), or is it simply throwing more money into the same old black hole? What steps are THEY taking to put my investment in them - and I think of it this way - to good use? Phones are a real gray area, I think. I cut mine all off years ago because, well, there are four of them, and it gets damn expensive. And I am not rich. Plus they were always losing or breaking phones or going over the data plan and all that became MY problem to fix. I couldn't deal with it anymore. But sometimes, especially when C has been on the streets, I think maybe I should put him back on my plan, for my own peace of mind. C and S both use burners with pre-paid minutes that are frequently off, and it can be terrifying not being able to get ahold of them. But then I remember my data charges and the sense of entitlement they had to ALL of my upgrades and think...nope. You'll come up with your own boundaries, but I hope this helps. I find it really helps to actually write down your rules, and have them on hand when the inevitable call comes in. If also helps that they have no idea what my financial situation is month to month - I freelance, and they know my income fluctuates. So it's really easy to say "no can do" without a lot of argument because for all they know I simply don't have it. I simply do not talk about my finances with them at all. They know I'm ok, and they know I'm not a millionaire, and that's all they need to know. [/QUOTE]
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