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Am I Over-Reacting?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 232445" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>"My husband and I never do anything without checking in with the other. If he is going to be late he will call and vice versa. We are not asking anything of difficult child that we do not do ourselves."</p><p></p><p>Exactly! It sounds like you do what we already do. She needs to take this on board, you need to include her in this loop also (like part of a triumvirate, instead of parents and child, at least on this score). It's not checking up on each other, it's keeping each other in the loop. Very different.</p><p></p><p>As for what else she could be getting up to - you will increasingly find there are thigs she's not telling you. This is typical teen stuff. All you can do is build in te stuff you DO want, and hope tat she learns to confide in you when she is reallty stuck.</p><p></p><p>You have done the best you could do until now, but you have reached the point with her where all you have done now has to come home to roost. She will increasingly look to her peers now for influence, rather than you. Your hard work now begins to pay off (hopefully) as she tries to put it into practice. She will make mistakes. But you have to do a lot more sitting on your hands, or yourisk driving her further away.</p><p></p><p>A strong suggestion - when she does come to you with a problem, don't punish. If she has come to you, that should negate most punishments. Common sense and natural consequences should now (increasingly) be sufficient. For example, if she comes to you and says she broke your favourite vase while playing ball inside the house, natural consequences should be that she replaces the vase. Your task now is much more guidance and much less control, than ever before. It's a very difficult transition. Your idea of writing an essay in tis situation - very creative. I liked her response too ("your mother may make you write an essay!"). Another option is to role-play it.</p><p></p><p>Interestingly on the topic of getting a lift with someone and bending the rules, I was watching an episode of "Northanger Abbey" last night, and that is what happens to the heroine in the story. She is supposed Occupational Therapist (OT) meet someone and her 'friends' tell her that the person she is to meet has gone without her, and she should accept a ride form this other person. She reluctantly does so, and then discovers she has been deceived when she sees the person who was supposed to give her a lift, arriving as she is being driven off. She asks to be let down and her driver refuses, he has his own reasons for wanting her to himself (nothing nasty - yet). But she WAS handled deceitfully, and it damaged her social standing and her reputation so she had to do some fast talking to try to make it better later on. </p><p></p><p>I'm thinking, now could be a good tiime to broaden your daughter's education in other ways, including reading the link I sent you, plus perhaps a good grounding in Jane Austen in general. If she can't hack the original novels, "Clueless" the movie is based on Jane Austen's "Emma". There are some really good classics revisted out there in film. "Ten Things I Hate About You" is another. You may feel your daughter is still too young - you need Occupational Therapist (OT) be the judge of that. Watch them yourself first to make your call.</p><p></p><p>My daughters, easy child especially, watched "Degrassi Junior High" from VERY young (a lot of parents felt it was inappropriate, but for us it paid off). She learnt a great deal of the social ins and outs, as well as how to be on her guard, from such programs.</p><p></p><p>It really sounds like you're handing it well.Good for you!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 232445, member: 1991"] "My husband and I never do anything without checking in with the other. If he is going to be late he will call and vice versa. We are not asking anything of difficult child that we do not do ourselves." Exactly! It sounds like you do what we already do. She needs to take this on board, you need to include her in this loop also (like part of a triumvirate, instead of parents and child, at least on this score). It's not checking up on each other, it's keeping each other in the loop. Very different. As for what else she could be getting up to - you will increasingly find there are thigs she's not telling you. This is typical teen stuff. All you can do is build in te stuff you DO want, and hope tat she learns to confide in you when she is reallty stuck. You have done the best you could do until now, but you have reached the point with her where all you have done now has to come home to roost. She will increasingly look to her peers now for influence, rather than you. Your hard work now begins to pay off (hopefully) as she tries to put it into practice. She will make mistakes. But you have to do a lot more sitting on your hands, or yourisk driving her further away. A strong suggestion - when she does come to you with a problem, don't punish. If she has come to you, that should negate most punishments. Common sense and natural consequences should now (increasingly) be sufficient. For example, if she comes to you and says she broke your favourite vase while playing ball inside the house, natural consequences should be that she replaces the vase. Your task now is much more guidance and much less control, than ever before. It's a very difficult transition. Your idea of writing an essay in tis situation - very creative. I liked her response too ("your mother may make you write an essay!"). Another option is to role-play it. Interestingly on the topic of getting a lift with someone and bending the rules, I was watching an episode of "Northanger Abbey" last night, and that is what happens to the heroine in the story. She is supposed Occupational Therapist (OT) meet someone and her 'friends' tell her that the person she is to meet has gone without her, and she should accept a ride form this other person. She reluctantly does so, and then discovers she has been deceived when she sees the person who was supposed to give her a lift, arriving as she is being driven off. She asks to be let down and her driver refuses, he has his own reasons for wanting her to himself (nothing nasty - yet). But she WAS handled deceitfully, and it damaged her social standing and her reputation so she had to do some fast talking to try to make it better later on. I'm thinking, now could be a good tiime to broaden your daughter's education in other ways, including reading the link I sent you, plus perhaps a good grounding in Jane Austen in general. If she can't hack the original novels, "Clueless" the movie is based on Jane Austen's "Emma". There are some really good classics revisted out there in film. "Ten Things I Hate About You" is another. You may feel your daughter is still too young - you need Occupational Therapist (OT) be the judge of that. Watch them yourself first to make your call. My daughters, easy child especially, watched "Degrassi Junior High" from VERY young (a lot of parents felt it was inappropriate, but for us it paid off). She learnt a great deal of the social ins and outs, as well as how to be on her guard, from such programs. It really sounds like you're handing it well.Good for you! Marg [/QUOTE]
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