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Parent Emeritus
Am I steering my own, true course or heading for the rocks?
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742980" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>This was me for years. I finally have learned NOT TO OFFER WHAT THEY DO NOT EXPLICITLY ASK FOR, and not to respond to anything not there in black and white in their words. It is really hard, because my instinct is to jump into solve/rescue mode. But I've learned it's better to just sit with the discomfort on my end and let them solve their own problems. I try not to assume they are coming to me for solutions but just take their words at face value, as venting about their lives. Unless they directly ask, then I directly answer. But they actually don't ask much anymore. So: "I'm $100 short on rent this month and I don't know what I'm going to do." Me: "Oh, that's tough, I'm sure you'll figure it out." Maybe they are indeed fishing - they probably are - but I don't bite anymore. I continually have to stop myself from reading the subtext in their words. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is the hard part. Because in the end, it's not really a different equation than those of us dealing with kids engaged in substance abuse that is slowly killing them. He is putting his health at risk by failing to take a life-preserving action, while mine are putting their health at risk by repeatedly taking life-risking actions. But it still comes down to the same thing: they are adults making choices we have no control over. I hear you trying so hard to find a solution to the medication problem, and there are several solutions that will work if HE wants them to. Just as there are programs who could help C and S get clean if they wanted to. But in both cases, the actual effort has to come from them. And I think in both cases the answer may be the same: giving them options, helping them think through solutions, but accepting that the final decision really is up to them. You can't make him visit a pharmacy or clinic every day to get his medications any more than I can make mine comply with mental health care or substance abuse treatment. </p><p></p><p>In my mind, reestablishing a relationship of trust is the most important thing here, even before worrying about an answer on the medication issue. Because until you have that, and until he is in a better place mentally, he is not going to comply with any medication solution you put in place long term. Trying to fix the medication first, without addressing the underlying issue causing him to be non-compliant, may be putting the cart before the horse. Maybe getting him back into therapy, or getting him to follow through on seeing a therapist together, is a necessary first step. It may take a couple months of groundwork before he's ready to face the health issues. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is exactly how I feel watching C and S and all the choices they make. Because their conditions, left untreated, are also going to be fatal. They are wrecking their bodies with alcohol and drugs. (I am not banking on C's sobriety yet, regardless of what he said a couple days ago - we have been here before.) They are engaging in all kinds of risky behaviors - S especially. I see all these potential futures written in their faces whenever I see them. Their uncle and two cousins on their dad's side have died of heroin overdoses over the last three years. As have many of their friends and acquaintances. They know where their path ultimately leads as well as I do. Getting them into some kind of treatment is every bit as urgent as any other medical problem. But I can't make it happen.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742980, member: 23349"] This was me for years. I finally have learned NOT TO OFFER WHAT THEY DO NOT EXPLICITLY ASK FOR, and not to respond to anything not there in black and white in their words. It is really hard, because my instinct is to jump into solve/rescue mode. But I've learned it's better to just sit with the discomfort on my end and let them solve their own problems. I try not to assume they are coming to me for solutions but just take their words at face value, as venting about their lives. Unless they directly ask, then I directly answer. But they actually don't ask much anymore. So: "I'm $100 short on rent this month and I don't know what I'm going to do." Me: "Oh, that's tough, I'm sure you'll figure it out." Maybe they are indeed fishing - they probably are - but I don't bite anymore. I continually have to stop myself from reading the subtext in their words. This is the hard part. Because in the end, it's not really a different equation than those of us dealing with kids engaged in substance abuse that is slowly killing them. He is putting his health at risk by failing to take a life-preserving action, while mine are putting their health at risk by repeatedly taking life-risking actions. But it still comes down to the same thing: they are adults making choices we have no control over. I hear you trying so hard to find a solution to the medication problem, and there are several solutions that will work if HE wants them to. Just as there are programs who could help C and S get clean if they wanted to. But in both cases, the actual effort has to come from them. And I think in both cases the answer may be the same: giving them options, helping them think through solutions, but accepting that the final decision really is up to them. You can't make him visit a pharmacy or clinic every day to get his medications any more than I can make mine comply with mental health care or substance abuse treatment. In my mind, reestablishing a relationship of trust is the most important thing here, even before worrying about an answer on the medication issue. Because until you have that, and until he is in a better place mentally, he is not going to comply with any medication solution you put in place long term. Trying to fix the medication first, without addressing the underlying issue causing him to be non-compliant, may be putting the cart before the horse. Maybe getting him back into therapy, or getting him to follow through on seeing a therapist together, is a necessary first step. It may take a couple months of groundwork before he's ready to face the health issues. This is exactly how I feel watching C and S and all the choices they make. Because their conditions, left untreated, are also going to be fatal. They are wrecking their bodies with alcohol and drugs. (I am not banking on C's sobriety yet, regardless of what he said a couple days ago - we have been here before.) They are engaging in all kinds of risky behaviors - S especially. I see all these potential futures written in their faces whenever I see them. Their uncle and two cousins on their dad's side have died of heroin overdoses over the last three years. As have many of their friends and acquaintances. They know where their path ultimately leads as well as I do. Getting them into some kind of treatment is every bit as urgent as any other medical problem. But I can't make it happen. [/QUOTE]
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