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Am I steering my own, true course or heading for the rocks?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742992" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This at once gives me hope and a panic attack. </p><p></p><p>There is so much trauma for me associated with him in my space--even in the other house. I am able to distance myself from it by various defense mechanisms but when I do not have the defenses erected, I feel flooded by fear and dread. Which is very important to face and to know. </p><p></p><p>I think as much as anything, I am like you Elsi. I want to protect the calm and safety I have in our home. While this is not as important as helping J to decide to protect himself, his health and his life, I am seeing that my life, my health, myself, and my relationship with M have status, have a standing here, too, and have to be factored in. We put the importance of US aside. This can't go on. And I can't resume it. </p><p></p><p>Which is to say I am not ready for J back. I know this contradicts everything, but he has to take steps, which is what you are saying. He has to take steps to get back here. </p><p></p><p>I want to keep my life. I do not want to give it up. </p><p></p><p>I think there are ways to do this: That J work with mental health case management, for example. They could take some responsibility. We could have a family therapist here where I live and meet a couple of times a week. That J arrange some kind of volunteer placement. (He KNOWS everybody. He could work at the rescue mission, for example.) These were all "conditions" that he thwarted over time. </p><p></p><p>This is M's position. That J has to do something. To choose to get back here. All of the other times, it went like this: J came back as he was. And what happened, every single time is that J stayed as he was. It was like trying to push the stone uphill. It never worked. </p><p></p><p>I am hopeful now. Let's see if he calls the doctor. I think there is a fifty-fifty chance. And if he does not do so today, there is tomorrow. I know now he is not blowing me off. He wants me to be texting him. He is not spurning me. </p><p></p><p>Thank you smithmom (and Elsi and Tired). That is what you were trying to coach me to do. To begin and to maintain a dialog and to keep suggesting. </p><p></p><p>I see now that the therapy suggestion was not peripheral. It is central. Thank you very much.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742992, member: 18958"] This at once gives me hope and a panic attack. There is so much trauma for me associated with him in my space--even in the other house. I am able to distance myself from it by various defense mechanisms but when I do not have the defenses erected, I feel flooded by fear and dread. Which is very important to face and to know. I think as much as anything, I am like you Elsi. I want to protect the calm and safety I have in our home. While this is not as important as helping J to decide to protect himself, his health and his life, I am seeing that my life, my health, myself, and my relationship with M have status, have a standing here, too, and have to be factored in. We put the importance of US aside. This can't go on. And I can't resume it. Which is to say I am not ready for J back. I know this contradicts everything, but he has to take steps, which is what you are saying. He has to take steps to get back here. I want to keep my life. I do not want to give it up. I think there are ways to do this: That J work with mental health case management, for example. They could take some responsibility. We could have a family therapist here where I live and meet a couple of times a week. That J arrange some kind of volunteer placement. (He KNOWS everybody. He could work at the rescue mission, for example.) These were all "conditions" that he thwarted over time. This is M's position. That J has to do something. To choose to get back here. All of the other times, it went like this: J came back as he was. And what happened, every single time is that J stayed as he was. It was like trying to push the stone uphill. It never worked. I am hopeful now. Let's see if he calls the doctor. I think there is a fifty-fifty chance. And if he does not do so today, there is tomorrow. I know now he is not blowing me off. He wants me to be texting him. He is not spurning me. Thank you smithmom (and Elsi and Tired). That is what you were trying to coach me to do. To begin and to maintain a dialog and to keep suggesting. I see now that the therapy suggestion was not peripheral. It is central. Thank you very much. [/QUOTE]
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