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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 281331" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>There can be many reasons why we might feel this way. In autism it's a common feeling. Read Temple Grandin's "An Anthropologist on Mars" where she describes always feeling like she's observing aliens and their behaviour, instead of fellow-humans. She describes it well.</p><p></p><p>Steely, you're a twin. That may mean your expectation of other (non-twin) relationships is unreaslistic. Few friendships are ever asclose as your relationship with your twin. Because you had thta relationship from birth, it for you may have defined what friendship should be. And reality just isn't like that.</p><p></p><p>I have two sets of twins in my family, I base my observations on them as well as on their other friends. They still have each other to go back to (even when they're fighting) and you don't have that except in your heart. That could be making things harder for you right now - such high standards were set for you, that nothing else can come close.</p><p></p><p>Depending on what sort of person you are inside, you may find it difficult to form close friendships, or you may find it easier. Different people... I went through childhood feeling very lonely, I was a child with an adult mind and other children avoided me or thought me weird. I blamed myself, not helped by all these other pewople around me telling me I was strange. I bent overbackwards trying to make friends with kids who frankly I didn't like very much, because I was told that I should have friends.</p><p>I now realise my initial standards, while high, were appropriate. I had friends who were adults, because they treated me with respect and shared my interests. Now as an adult, that isn't so weird. I even have a few friends who are children. I figure for those kids, I am the adult friend that I had when I was a child. As those children grow up, we stay friends.</p><p></p><p>Stelly, you have been through a lot of changes in the last year or so. Not only in your life, but in moving around, chaging jobs etc. It takes time to build up a sense of trust in others (and for them to trust us). In that time, we feel more lonely than usual.</p><p></p><p>The best you can do is learn to value yourself for who and what you are. The more you don't seem to need friends, the more people will seek you out to be a friend. But if you come across as needy or lonely, you risk being alienated further. It's a crazy world.</p><p></p><p>I look around now at the people I know, and although I am not in touch with people from my childhood (apart from two people) I recognise the "type". I live near people who are very like the friends I tried to cultivate who I really didn't like. Now I'm an adult, I understand them better and I can accept them better also. However, I'll never share close confidences with any of them. But no longer will I desperately demean myself to be acceptable to them either. I am who and what I am, at last I value myself for it. And because I no longer try to change myself to be more acceptable, I have become more acceptable, simply by being true to myself.</p><p></p><p>I have lived in the same area for decades. Even so, you could count deep, true friends on the fingers of one hand. Beyond this is a larger circle of people who would bring me a cooked meal if I asked (if we needed it), people who would give me a lift in the car, would pick up shopping for me. And for whom I would of course do the same. Beyond that is another circle of people I smile at and chat to when we meet in the street. But deep, close friends I can confide in - maybe two. A meeting of minds is rare. You can't force a relationship to work at that level if it's not meant to be. And very few friendships are meant to work at that level.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime - work on getting to know yourself, learning how to be a good friend (and practising it!) and smiling at the world regardless of how you feel. I sometimes like to smile at people I don't know, purely to observe the human reactions (as if I am also an anthropologist on Mars!)</p><p></p><p>Hang in there, Steely. Friendship is aa tricky thing to define and to control.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 281331, member: 1991"] There can be many reasons why we might feel this way. In autism it's a common feeling. Read Temple Grandin's "An Anthropologist on Mars" where she describes always feeling like she's observing aliens and their behaviour, instead of fellow-humans. She describes it well. Steely, you're a twin. That may mean your expectation of other (non-twin) relationships is unreaslistic. Few friendships are ever asclose as your relationship with your twin. Because you had thta relationship from birth, it for you may have defined what friendship should be. And reality just isn't like that. I have two sets of twins in my family, I base my observations on them as well as on their other friends. They still have each other to go back to (even when they're fighting) and you don't have that except in your heart. That could be making things harder for you right now - such high standards were set for you, that nothing else can come close. Depending on what sort of person you are inside, you may find it difficult to form close friendships, or you may find it easier. Different people... I went through childhood feeling very lonely, I was a child with an adult mind and other children avoided me or thought me weird. I blamed myself, not helped by all these other pewople around me telling me I was strange. I bent overbackwards trying to make friends with kids who frankly I didn't like very much, because I was told that I should have friends. I now realise my initial standards, while high, were appropriate. I had friends who were adults, because they treated me with respect and shared my interests. Now as an adult, that isn't so weird. I even have a few friends who are children. I figure for those kids, I am the adult friend that I had when I was a child. As those children grow up, we stay friends. Stelly, you have been through a lot of changes in the last year or so. Not only in your life, but in moving around, chaging jobs etc. It takes time to build up a sense of trust in others (and for them to trust us). In that time, we feel more lonely than usual. The best you can do is learn to value yourself for who and what you are. The more you don't seem to need friends, the more people will seek you out to be a friend. But if you come across as needy or lonely, you risk being alienated further. It's a crazy world. I look around now at the people I know, and although I am not in touch with people from my childhood (apart from two people) I recognise the "type". I live near people who are very like the friends I tried to cultivate who I really didn't like. Now I'm an adult, I understand them better and I can accept them better also. However, I'll never share close confidences with any of them. But no longer will I desperately demean myself to be acceptable to them either. I am who and what I am, at last I value myself for it. And because I no longer try to change myself to be more acceptable, I have become more acceptable, simply by being true to myself. I have lived in the same area for decades. Even so, you could count deep, true friends on the fingers of one hand. Beyond this is a larger circle of people who would bring me a cooked meal if I asked (if we needed it), people who would give me a lift in the car, would pick up shopping for me. And for whom I would of course do the same. Beyond that is another circle of people I smile at and chat to when we meet in the street. But deep, close friends I can confide in - maybe two. A meeting of minds is rare. You can't force a relationship to work at that level if it's not meant to be. And very few friendships are meant to work at that level. In the meantime - work on getting to know yourself, learning how to be a good friend (and practising it!) and smiling at the world regardless of how you feel. I sometimes like to smile at people I don't know, purely to observe the human reactions (as if I am also an anthropologist on Mars!) Hang in there, Steely. Friendship is aa tricky thing to define and to control. Marg [/QUOTE]
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