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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 641851" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>GM. glad things are better now and you are feeling more peaceful. I do have some suggestions about how to deal with your daughter that do not include talking about "stuff" as that usually doesn't do any good and provokes their nonsense arguments and a reason for them to be angry at us, which causes stress.This is how I do it now and just take what you like and leave the rest. You can talk to a easy child, but not a difficult child. I would abandon that strategy.</p><p></p><p>"Actions speak louder than words."</p><p></p><p>Without any conversation at all, you can stop how she treats you. All you have to do is not allow it. For example, if you and her are talking and she gets abusive, calmly say, "I expect us to respect one another when we speak now as we are adults. I will go now and when you are in a calm mood call me maybe another time." Then gently hang up and don't answer again. If she goes ballistic and calls you 100 times, put the phone in a drawer and take a walk with your dog or alone, but don't answer until she has had time to think it over. I would make her wait at least a day before answering a call or reading her texts. Type or say ONE TIME IN RESPONSE, "I love you, but we are adults now and you must respect me and then we can talk." That's all. Reinforce your boundary. Then try again when she contacts you next on another day. If she gets abusive again, hang up or delete text without finishing reading it, rinse/repeat.</p><p></p><p>Acting on what you will tolerate, WILL get the message to difficult child, more by what you do than by what you say. Do the same if you are in the same space as her. She starts talking smack or getting abusive and you leave, no matter where you are. Do it each time she isn't respectful. Forget about what the other people in your family may think of you and do the same to them. Eventually, they will ALL get it. You can always give a short, CALM explanation first. "I have decided that we are all adults and I prefer to be treated with respect. If I'm not, I will quietly leave until we all calm down. I wll also respectyou. I love you. Good-bye." Leave. Brother will be blown away, but have no choice but to treat you respectfully or not talk to you. This makes it HIS decision and you are setting reasonable boundaries.</p><p></p><p>Nothing works less than "This has to change or else." You can not guarantee a good relationship or a non-frightening one with your daughter. But you can make it clear that if she is ever violent or disrespectful, you are gone for a while. I'd call the police too if she ever gets violent again. Make her know you are serious. The ways that you change will send a strong message. Rehashing old hurts and setting verbal rules, without any action to back it up, will not do anything except trump up drama that you are involved in.</p><p></p><p>There is no guarantee, no matter how much you talk to your daughter, that she will ever be safe. That has to come from her. On the "actions speak louder than words" you will know by how she goes to therapy and attempts to change and softens her demands and how she treats you. If you want to have a relationship with her, you do not have to have high contact...low contact is fine until she can prove she is no longer a verbal or physical threat to you.</p><p></p><p>It really isn't that hard to do it. Remember, people watch what you do. They don't listen to what you say. Most will think you are just blowing hot air and words give others the self-righteous belief that they can lawyer you and argue with you and you probably usually go home in tears, having lost the verbal fencing. Don't verbally fence. Do. Act.</p><p></p><p>Like the mighty Jedi said, "Don't try. DO! There IS no try!" (I hope you like Star Wars or you won't appreciate that...lol).</p><p></p><p>People can not abuse you unless you let them. Short and sweet, less is more, talk is cheap...I have found all of these things to be true with a difficult child. They have to believe you will stick to your guns and talking all day and all night will not prove that.</p><p></p><p>So in my opinion you probably will get nothing but grief if you talk too much to your daughter about what she should and shouldn't do. I feel it would help A LOT MORE to SHOW her what you will and will not tolerate. And be consistent.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and have a peaceful night <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 641851, member: 1550"] GM. glad things are better now and you are feeling more peaceful. I do have some suggestions about how to deal with your daughter that do not include talking about "stuff" as that usually doesn't do any good and provokes their nonsense arguments and a reason for them to be angry at us, which causes stress.This is how I do it now and just take what you like and leave the rest. You can talk to a easy child, but not a difficult child. I would abandon that strategy. "Actions speak louder than words." Without any conversation at all, you can stop how she treats you. All you have to do is not allow it. For example, if you and her are talking and she gets abusive, calmly say, "I expect us to respect one another when we speak now as we are adults. I will go now and when you are in a calm mood call me maybe another time." Then gently hang up and don't answer again. If she goes ballistic and calls you 100 times, put the phone in a drawer and take a walk with your dog or alone, but don't answer until she has had time to think it over. I would make her wait at least a day before answering a call or reading her texts. Type or say ONE TIME IN RESPONSE, "I love you, but we are adults now and you must respect me and then we can talk." That's all. Reinforce your boundary. Then try again when she contacts you next on another day. If she gets abusive again, hang up or delete text without finishing reading it, rinse/repeat. Acting on what you will tolerate, WILL get the message to difficult child, more by what you do than by what you say. Do the same if you are in the same space as her. She starts talking smack or getting abusive and you leave, no matter where you are. Do it each time she isn't respectful. Forget about what the other people in your family may think of you and do the same to them. Eventually, they will ALL get it. You can always give a short, CALM explanation first. "I have decided that we are all adults and I prefer to be treated with respect. If I'm not, I will quietly leave until we all calm down. I wll also respectyou. I love you. Good-bye." Leave. Brother will be blown away, but have no choice but to treat you respectfully or not talk to you. This makes it HIS decision and you are setting reasonable boundaries. Nothing works less than "This has to change or else." You can not guarantee a good relationship or a non-frightening one with your daughter. But you can make it clear that if she is ever violent or disrespectful, you are gone for a while. I'd call the police too if she ever gets violent again. Make her know you are serious. The ways that you change will send a strong message. Rehashing old hurts and setting verbal rules, without any action to back it up, will not do anything except trump up drama that you are involved in. There is no guarantee, no matter how much you talk to your daughter, that she will ever be safe. That has to come from her. On the "actions speak louder than words" you will know by how she goes to therapy and attempts to change and softens her demands and how she treats you. If you want to have a relationship with her, you do not have to have high contact...low contact is fine until she can prove she is no longer a verbal or physical threat to you. It really isn't that hard to do it. Remember, people watch what you do. They don't listen to what you say. Most will think you are just blowing hot air and words give others the self-righteous belief that they can lawyer you and argue with you and you probably usually go home in tears, having lost the verbal fencing. Don't verbally fence. Do. Act. Like the mighty Jedi said, "Don't try. DO! There IS no try!" (I hope you like Star Wars or you won't appreciate that...lol). People can not abuse you unless you let them. Short and sweet, less is more, talk is cheap...I have found all of these things to be true with a difficult child. They have to believe you will stick to your guns and talking all day and all night will not prove that. So in my opinion you probably will get nothing but grief if you talk too much to your daughter about what she should and shouldn't do. I feel it would help A LOT MORE to SHOW her what you will and will not tolerate. And be consistent. Hugs and have a peaceful night ;) [/QUOTE]
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