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And the latest from last week and yesterday.....
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 445048" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>K - I'm so sorry. I think the bright side of this whole mess is that he is somewhere where he *is* being held accountable. Sorry it's where it is but... I don't think it's a bad thing.</p><p></p><p>I understand, and ache for, your hurt feelings. Not only did he lie you to, he somehow thinks he was going to get away with it. I agree with- Janet wholeheartedly - sounds like he's learned the lingo and is using it well. Bites that our kids are so smart in some ways and so darn (not so smart) in others. He certainly knows which buttons to push with you (institutionalized, sad/angry he can't come straight home, etc.). Personally, I think it's time to really get detachment firmly in place. He's institutionalized? As DadRich used to say, bummer for him. Can't come home? Bummer. I know it breaks your heart and you wish like crazy it was different, but it is time (and he's old enough) to put all of this very squarely on his shoulders, and then go cry your eyes out as often as you need to, *away* from him. His choices, his consequences, his failure to learn from past experience. What more can you do, K? It's a lot like when they were younger and we had to learn how to react with zero emotion to their gfgness. You have to find that stone-cold neutrality again.</p><p></p><p>I'm not saying to give up on him at all, but I do think there comes a time with our kids when we really have to distance ourselves for our own mental health and self-preservation. You did nothing wrong - why do you have to keep riding this rollercoaster? In my experience, there's not a doggone thing we as parents can do with- a kid at this stage who is dead-set on sabotaging himself left and right. They're not going to listen to us. They know it all. They have to figure out on their own that their way is only going to make life very difficult for them. Watching them flounder as they (hopefully) figure that out is ... well, it's just horrible, but there is absolutely *nothing* we can do to help them because, in their "wisdom", they don't think they need help. </p><p></p><p>I don't think I'd even call him on his most recent lie. What's the point? It's just acknowledging another gotcha. I love Suz's bobble-headed response - "yes, dear, um-hmmm, that's nice" or "sorry, dear, that your life inhales severely right now - what are you going to do about it?" because *you* cannot do a darn thing about it.</p><p></p><p>I got to the point where I imagined husband and myself, as well as most of the other adults in thank you's life, as hamsters running on one of those circular exercise wheels, with thank you dictating how fast we ran... to nowhere. Getting off the wheel was hard (I was a wreck for a solid year and a half, and literally cried daily for the last 6 months leading up to his 18th b-day, and quite often after as well), but I believe (for thank you anyway) the *only* way he ever had a shot in Hades of getting it together was when I completely backed off. If nothing else, I didn't have to hear the details of his life and to be honest, it was a relief.</p><p></p><p>Many many hugs to you, hon.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 445048, member: 8"] K - I'm so sorry. I think the bright side of this whole mess is that he is somewhere where he *is* being held accountable. Sorry it's where it is but... I don't think it's a bad thing. I understand, and ache for, your hurt feelings. Not only did he lie you to, he somehow thinks he was going to get away with it. I agree with- Janet wholeheartedly - sounds like he's learned the lingo and is using it well. Bites that our kids are so smart in some ways and so darn (not so smart) in others. He certainly knows which buttons to push with you (institutionalized, sad/angry he can't come straight home, etc.). Personally, I think it's time to really get detachment firmly in place. He's institutionalized? As DadRich used to say, bummer for him. Can't come home? Bummer. I know it breaks your heart and you wish like crazy it was different, but it is time (and he's old enough) to put all of this very squarely on his shoulders, and then go cry your eyes out as often as you need to, *away* from him. His choices, his consequences, his failure to learn from past experience. What more can you do, K? It's a lot like when they were younger and we had to learn how to react with zero emotion to their gfgness. You have to find that stone-cold neutrality again. I'm not saying to give up on him at all, but I do think there comes a time with our kids when we really have to distance ourselves for our own mental health and self-preservation. You did nothing wrong - why do you have to keep riding this rollercoaster? In my experience, there's not a doggone thing we as parents can do with- a kid at this stage who is dead-set on sabotaging himself left and right. They're not going to listen to us. They know it all. They have to figure out on their own that their way is only going to make life very difficult for them. Watching them flounder as they (hopefully) figure that out is ... well, it's just horrible, but there is absolutely *nothing* we can do to help them because, in their "wisdom", they don't think they need help. I don't think I'd even call him on his most recent lie. What's the point? It's just acknowledging another gotcha. I love Suz's bobble-headed response - "yes, dear, um-hmmm, that's nice" or "sorry, dear, that your life inhales severely right now - what are you going to do about it?" because *you* cannot do a darn thing about it. I got to the point where I imagined husband and myself, as well as most of the other adults in thank you's life, as hamsters running on one of those circular exercise wheels, with thank you dictating how fast we ran... to nowhere. Getting off the wheel was hard (I was a wreck for a solid year and a half, and literally cried daily for the last 6 months leading up to his 18th b-day, and quite often after as well), but I believe (for thank you anyway) the *only* way he ever had a shot in Hades of getting it together was when I completely backed off. If nothing else, I didn't have to hear the details of his life and to be honest, it was a relief. Many many hugs to you, hon. [/QUOTE]
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