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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 445159" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>klmno - there is one thing you're possibly doing wrong here. I can see a pattern - difficult child does something wrong, you react (appropriately) and protect yourself (now). Then at a later stage, not a lot later, you snap back into "Mommy will make it better" mode and try to rescue him at some level.</p><p></p><p>In is mind he has learned what buttons to push to precipitate the "mommy will fix it" in you. He is still focussing on how much you can do for him to make the problems go away. Any problems, whatever his responsibility in them. He is not willing to admit to his responsibility, he is also VERY skilled at passing off responsibility onto others. Any others.</p><p></p><p>Now, for some time you have stepped further back from "mommy will fix it" but difficult child knows you now, he is working hard to turn you back into the mother tigress who is angry at the system and trying to get him out of there. He wants out of there, but not because he wants to go straight. He might at some level want to go straight, but he also wants to do what HE wants to do, and that directly conflicts with what the law expects and your safety. His primary aim is his own personal freedom to indulge in his own desires. Anything that prevents this is an obstacle to overcome. At the moment, it seems to him that you are his best chance to help make this happen, but you know that as soon as you succeeded magically in springing him from his current placement, it would be as bad as ever. Or worse.</p><p></p><p>"I didn't tell you everything because I didn't want to hurt you" is utter garbage. His actions when he cut the money out of your clothes as you slept - not consistent with "I am trying to spare you any further pain". He wants to come home because he wants to do exactly what he did before.</p><p></p><p>One thing it makes me wonder about - I know attitudes for years were that nurture is all, that there is no such thing as hereditary insanity (other than Huntingdon's) but definitions and ideas have been changing a lot. You've described your bro as a sick individual; maybe this is at least partly DESPITE his environment and not because. And maybe your difficult child has inherited some aspect of this tendency, and this is also a factor driving him to do what he wants regardless of the impact on other people.</p><p></p><p>Do look after yourself. Keep detaching. Do try to guard yourself against the "mommy on white charger" syndrome that so many of us are infected with. He is counting on this and frankly it would be very bad for him and for you. </p><p></p><p>He needs to accept and acknowledge what he did - to you. "I didn't want to hurt you" is balderdash, he is just saying what works. He has a lot of time to practice and the best tutors in the world, in the place where he is.</p><p></p><p>It is such a mess. But looking back, I can't see how you could have prevented things getting to this stage. I really don't. I think your attempts early on to try to get him placed in a treatment facility were admirable and I would have done the same. But looking back now, I wonder if anything different would have been achieved.</p><p></p><p>Stop beating yourself up. He is who and what he is, and HE has to learn to take personal responsibility. Until he does, these problems will keep happening.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 445159, member: 1991"] klmno - there is one thing you're possibly doing wrong here. I can see a pattern - difficult child does something wrong, you react (appropriately) and protect yourself (now). Then at a later stage, not a lot later, you snap back into "Mommy will make it better" mode and try to rescue him at some level. In is mind he has learned what buttons to push to precipitate the "mommy will fix it" in you. He is still focussing on how much you can do for him to make the problems go away. Any problems, whatever his responsibility in them. He is not willing to admit to his responsibility, he is also VERY skilled at passing off responsibility onto others. Any others. Now, for some time you have stepped further back from "mommy will fix it" but difficult child knows you now, he is working hard to turn you back into the mother tigress who is angry at the system and trying to get him out of there. He wants out of there, but not because he wants to go straight. He might at some level want to go straight, but he also wants to do what HE wants to do, and that directly conflicts with what the law expects and your safety. His primary aim is his own personal freedom to indulge in his own desires. Anything that prevents this is an obstacle to overcome. At the moment, it seems to him that you are his best chance to help make this happen, but you know that as soon as you succeeded magically in springing him from his current placement, it would be as bad as ever. Or worse. "I didn't tell you everything because I didn't want to hurt you" is utter garbage. His actions when he cut the money out of your clothes as you slept - not consistent with "I am trying to spare you any further pain". He wants to come home because he wants to do exactly what he did before. One thing it makes me wonder about - I know attitudes for years were that nurture is all, that there is no such thing as hereditary insanity (other than Huntingdon's) but definitions and ideas have been changing a lot. You've described your bro as a sick individual; maybe this is at least partly DESPITE his environment and not because. And maybe your difficult child has inherited some aspect of this tendency, and this is also a factor driving him to do what he wants regardless of the impact on other people. Do look after yourself. Keep detaching. Do try to guard yourself against the "mommy on white charger" syndrome that so many of us are infected with. He is counting on this and frankly it would be very bad for him and for you. He needs to accept and acknowledge what he did - to you. "I didn't want to hurt you" is balderdash, he is just saying what works. He has a lot of time to practice and the best tutors in the world, in the place where he is. It is such a mess. But looking back, I can't see how you could have prevented things getting to this stage. I really don't. I think your attempts early on to try to get him placed in a treatment facility were admirable and I would have done the same. But looking back now, I wonder if anything different would have been achieved. Stop beating yourself up. He is who and what he is, and HE has to learn to take personal responsibility. Until he does, these problems will keep happening. Marg [/QUOTE]
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