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Angry.....difficult child and Fallout.....Venting
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<blockquote data-quote="HeadlightsMom" data-source="post: 635178" data-attributes="member: 18284"><p>MWM -- No, your vent didn't do anything but help validate my feelings. Thanks for that! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>My view is that there is Nature, Nurture, and Free Will. Nature is the foundation, so I believe it takes precedence for the basics. Of course, Nurture plays a huge role, too. And the one we as a society tend to forget about is Free Will. I guess Nature and Nurture are easier because we can blame someone else for every action, rather than ourselves. I think it's a combo of all 3.</p><p></p><p>Adoption -------- Well, I know a BUNCH about adoption. I AM ADOPTED (as an infant). OUR difficult child IS ADOPTED (as a 6-yo). I met my bio family (still meeting them -- have met dozens and dozens) and I have met many of difficult child's bio family (probably 2 dozen, as well). I starting meeting my bio family when I was 25 yrs old. I began meeting difficult child's bio family when he was 13 or so. I'm tellin' ya, NATURE TALKS -- louder than I knew (I grew up knowing zero Nature, remember). difficult child told me that his cousin is currently wanted for a murder that happened at a hotel here last week. Nice. Another of our difficult child's relatives was tazed to death (at age 29) 2 yrs ago. Sad situation, I liked the guy. </p><p></p><p>I view Nature as Hard wiring, Nurture as Software installed, and........well, can't think of a good "systems" analogy for Free Will yet. If you think of one, feel free to let me know. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> </p><p></p><p>by the way, both my birth mother and birth father are professional writers. I come from a bio family of artisans (painters -- I also paint, writers -- I also writer, musicians -- I'm tone deaf though!, etc). My birth family has much better hard wiring, but there are problems -- addiction and anxiety seem prevalent. Criminal behavior in either my birth family or my adoptive family is rare.</p><p></p><p>But our difficult child's bio family has much more difficult hard wiring........ Schizophrenia, Bipolar, ASPD, Addiction, etc. Criminal behavior in difficult child's birth family is commonplace. In fact, it's more common than not -- especially the men. I tried to know them. Tried to be kind, helpful, respectful. But it just is not easy to be with them as they are hardened felons and we do not share the same ethics. We just don't. Now, I don't think criminal behavior is hard wired. However, when grappling with sufficient mental health difficulties (NATURE) -- AND -- abusive upbringing (NURTURE)-- AND -- bad choices (FREE WILL)......criminal behavior can happen.</p><p></p><p>But I don't think it has to. My husband's brother was diagnosed psychotic and bipolar for decades. He never chose crime. We were his legal guardians the last 8 yrs of his life. He died in 2007 (age 57) of liver cancer, thought to be attributed to his 30+ years of prescribed lithium use. Sad it took him soon, but it did give him a better life for 30 yrs (subsequent medications didn't work as well). I adored him -- he was out of touch with reality, but I so loved him and respected him. Really. His core shone through his difficulties. I miss him and we often drink a milkshake toast to him on holidays and his birthday. A good man, who had a difficult biology.</p><p></p><p>MWM -- You write some terrifically-insightful posts and pose great questions. I appreciate that. And I'll tell ya what....you must have some fantastically-large heart for adopting so many kids! I admire that because just our one difficult child 'bout did me in!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HeadlightsMom, post: 635178, member: 18284"] MWM -- No, your vent didn't do anything but help validate my feelings. Thanks for that! :) My view is that there is Nature, Nurture, and Free Will. Nature is the foundation, so I believe it takes precedence for the basics. Of course, Nurture plays a huge role, too. And the one we as a society tend to forget about is Free Will. I guess Nature and Nurture are easier because we can blame someone else for every action, rather than ourselves. I think it's a combo of all 3. Adoption -------- Well, I know a BUNCH about adoption. I AM ADOPTED (as an infant). OUR difficult child IS ADOPTED (as a 6-yo). I met my bio family (still meeting them -- have met dozens and dozens) and I have met many of difficult child's bio family (probably 2 dozen, as well). I starting meeting my bio family when I was 25 yrs old. I began meeting difficult child's bio family when he was 13 or so. I'm tellin' ya, NATURE TALKS -- louder than I knew (I grew up knowing zero Nature, remember). difficult child told me that his cousin is currently wanted for a murder that happened at a hotel here last week. Nice. Another of our difficult child's relatives was tazed to death (at age 29) 2 yrs ago. Sad situation, I liked the guy. I view Nature as Hard wiring, Nurture as Software installed, and........well, can't think of a good "systems" analogy for Free Will yet. If you think of one, feel free to let me know. :) by the way, both my birth mother and birth father are professional writers. I come from a bio family of artisans (painters -- I also paint, writers -- I also writer, musicians -- I'm tone deaf though!, etc). My birth family has much better hard wiring, but there are problems -- addiction and anxiety seem prevalent. Criminal behavior in either my birth family or my adoptive family is rare. But our difficult child's bio family has much more difficult hard wiring........ Schizophrenia, Bipolar, ASPD, Addiction, etc. Criminal behavior in difficult child's birth family is commonplace. In fact, it's more common than not -- especially the men. I tried to know them. Tried to be kind, helpful, respectful. But it just is not easy to be with them as they are hardened felons and we do not share the same ethics. We just don't. Now, I don't think criminal behavior is hard wired. However, when grappling with sufficient mental health difficulties (NATURE) -- AND -- abusive upbringing (NURTURE)-- AND -- bad choices (FREE WILL)......criminal behavior can happen. But I don't think it has to. My husband's brother was diagnosed psychotic and bipolar for decades. He never chose crime. We were his legal guardians the last 8 yrs of his life. He died in 2007 (age 57) of liver cancer, thought to be attributed to his 30+ years of prescribed lithium use. Sad it took him soon, but it did give him a better life for 30 yrs (subsequent medications didn't work as well). I adored him -- he was out of touch with reality, but I so loved him and respected him. Really. His core shone through his difficulties. I miss him and we often drink a milkshake toast to him on holidays and his birthday. A good man, who had a difficult biology. MWM -- You write some terrifically-insightful posts and pose great questions. I appreciate that. And I'll tell ya what....you must have some fantastically-large heart for adopting so many kids! I admire that because just our one difficult child 'bout did me in! [/QUOTE]
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